You wouldn't be an asshole for asking, but you would be an asshole if you kept insisting after they said no.
Communication is great, coercion is not.
Also sounds like therapy would be a good idea, but that can be said of anyone.
this post was submitted on 02 Oct 2025
4 points (100.0% liked)
Ask Lemmy
35183 readers
39 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
The hard part is that they've stated that the reason they don't offer to get me off when they're not up to sex is because I don't ask enough, but I don't ask enough because if they're not feeling well enough for sex then it seems shitty of me to ask for personal gratification at all.
But it's really hard to gauge when they're not feeling well enough to do anything, and when they're well enough to do it
Not that me cumming is directly relational to me seeing them naked, but it speaks to my hesitation to ask. Because I do ask to see, but they seem to intentionally conflate me asking to see with me asking for sex, even though I've explained that when I ask to see I'm literally asking to see them naked.
I have asked for them to think of a way I can ask for personal gratification without seeming callous to their feelings, but like most requests of this nature it falls on deaf ears. Probably because they're demisexual and don't really understand a cis gendered straight male on testosterone's sex drive.
It's because they aren't attracted to you anymore. You aren't making her wet. Your personality and manipulations and probably other relationship issues are contributing. The New Sex Therapy by Kaplan is a book that basically says this exact issue is caused by that. You probably need months of couples therapy and letting her let you know when she is ready and letting her reject you. It may take years if the problem is because she had sex out of obligation (self rape in a way, perhaps rape by you if you're always coercive like in the OP). She may never heal and may never enjoy sex with you or anyone again.
That seems like a massive reach.
It isn't.
Perfect answer.
coercion is not.
I emphasize this detail with several exclamation marks!!!
Still depends on the relationship, person, and intent. I can't speak for others. I may react initially negatively, but I am open to coercion.
Crime is really about intent more than any other factor. Manipulation and coercion can be done with positive and negative intent. If a person manipulates me at a clever level with the best of intentions, I have no problem with it, but again, I only speak for myself.
I may react initially negatively, but I am open to coercion.
You are open to being convinced.
Y'all been together 10y. Uncomfortable conversations are necessary sometimes. I think you're going to have to crack some of these eggshells. How you crack them is another thing. I think you gotta start with cracking your own shell about asking. Simply stating you're horny for example. Whether at that point she's down for sex, a bj, hj or you have to jerk it in the shower are all valid results of that statement that she has control over. If she says no piv sex but she'll give you a bj you kinda gotta take her word for it.
My now wife once said she'd give me a bj or sex anytime I asked and I said she underestimated how horny I was. I was right but it was a good week and now she'll say no if she's not feeling up to it. A short bit of discomfort, no harm done, longterm benefit where i can ask without coercion worries (usually) and she can respond without being afraid of hurting my feelings or giving me blue balls.
One thing to keep in mind with body dysmorphia is that what you think about their body is unlikely to change how they feel about their body. Often times, dysmorphia doesn't stem from outside influences, and is an entirely internal struggle. Depending on what their dysmorphia is rooted in, showering them in praise may help them accept their body, or may compound their negative emotions ("I'm ugly and I'm dating an idiot").
You both have valid desires, but they're both at odds with each other. Honestly, I'd recommend a therapy session for the both of you. It would probably be beneficial to have a neutral third party involved in the conversation.
Well, of course you can ask but your condition grants you no privileges over someone else’s boundaries. You’re only the asshole if you don’t respect those boundaries.