I have been suffering from a whole host of mental health issues for a long time in my life. Some only popped up around college, some were probably there for most of my life and were just not diagnosed yet.
Lately I've found myself struggling with thinking about or describing to others things I like or don't like or ways I go about life. There are some things I either used to like or think I should like but don't at the moment. I might even come up with reasons to rationalize these dislikes that sound plausible to me. But then I stop and feel kind of disingenuous about it. Like do I not like a thing because that's what my "real" feelings are? Or is it something due to one of my issues like depression and I might like the thing if I were finally able to find a treatment that worked. What is the difference between my intellectual thoughts and how my brain and body actually feel and behave?
Another manifestation of this has to do with the things that bother me about the world. There's so much terrible stuff out there and I feel bad about that, but am I depressed because I feel bad about these things or do I feel bad about these things because I'm depressed? Would I stop feeling bad about wars or climate change if I weren't depressed anymore? That doesn't seem like it would make sense. I guess I'd just be regularly sad as opposed to clinically depressed?
Things get even weirder and more existential when I start to think about what we even are. Our brains aren't just computers running software. We're a collection of cells all doing their own things that somehow come together to perform larger functions that compose a larger complex organism. Not even all of the things that make our body work and affect how we feel are even technically "belonging" to to the body. Things like the bacteria in our guts are super important to our health and as I understand it, have an impact on mental health to some extent.
So what am I? What is "me?" Is it possible to separate my thoughts from my body? What does it mean to think things that are in conflict with your feelings?
Obviously this is a pretty vague topic and can be approached from a variety of perspectives such as biology, psychology, philosophy, etc. So I'm curious what people think about this.
You are right to doubt the concept of self. The closer you look at these things the more the distinctions we arbitrarily apply to life and to the "self" dissolve. I have experienced ego death on a few occasions, and what it taught me is that life and matter is all one. The self is just a useful illusion of the mind. You sound like you might be overwhelmed by something and I would be willing to bet that ego is the underlying cause of it. How you think about yourself does matter, just remember that you deserve the same love that everything does.