Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Just wait! Life actually gets worse!!!
I am making a joke but at the same time, I'm 52. I squeaked through the 70's and 80's with an alcoholic father who liked to beat up my mother and I. Once I turned 16, I left home. Mom committed suicide after I left.
Ended up doing some college, then computer programming after a stint in the Air Force. Spent my 20's pretty much dizzy as hell, I loved girls and pool and darts and bars. Spent my 30's teaching English in Asia. Had some fun and dangerous times over there, always research your destination country well before you commit to a job abroad.
I lost my passport in Cambodia, was finally medically evacuated from Cambodia via the US Embassy (I'm 5'9" and weighed 110 lbs, not good!) and was dropped off in L.A. in the middle of December with no money, no ID, and nowhere to go. I had just turned 40.
I spent the majority of my 40's hitchhiking the USA. California to Florida and back twice, then up to Monatana, Idaho, back down through Nevada and Utah twice, then AZ back to FL and finally started hanging out near the places I liked. Eventually that became Houston in the winter and Denver CO or Bozeman MT for summer. I got into house-sitting, I don't hitchhike anymore. I have clients primarily in Denver and Houston and friends all over.
Now I'm 52. Recently diagnosed with spinal stenosis, CES, PTSD and other health issues. It went by fast, although I would have said life moved at a snail's pace when I was a teenager.
You will have to find the motivation to survive whether there's music or not, that's a fact. Life does not come guaranteed with good tunes, although we'll both probably agree it should. Some people tell me I lived the wrong life. Others tell me it's interesting. And some of the drivers that picked me up while hitchhiking -- have told me it was beautiful.
Some rich people are bad. Some are good. Some poor people suck. Others are not. Take everyone at face value. Never lump them into groups. Never burn anyone, and never burn yourself. Watch your back. Hope my little rant helps. You have to find you. You have to decide where you'll go. You have to choose what is important, and what isn't.
And listen to this song regularly by Baz Luhrmann -- "Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now"
I think your life was interesting. It is also my dream to go abroad anywhere, just out of where I have lived my life upto now. Having Freedom is the most valuable thing to me to just do whatever you want ig
It really is. But it also costs a lot.
I really wish I had the "ultimate algorithm" for everyone to find happiness. Not even joking. In my 52 years on this rock we call Earth, I still haven't found my own "ultimate algorithm". The rules change. The situation changes. People... Change.
My life never involved the white picket fence, nice house, beautiful wife, or kids. And the shit part is, when I was young -- I thought that was the ultimate weighing scale of life. Get all that or die. No room for inbetween. You're a failure if you don't succeed, blah blah blah.
None of that is true.
I once hopped in a car with a guy from Phoenix who "had it all". Nice house, his wife was trophy-level, he had 3 kids all going to college. Perfect life. Showed me photos of his house. Eight hours later he was yelling and screaming about how his two boys just smoke weed, his daughter only calls when she needs money, and his wife hasn't laid him in six months. Perfect life, huh?
I'm not saying to pack your bags, I'm not saying go get a home loan. I'm saying your life will be a different trail. Maybe you get married, maybe you don't. Maybe you end up rich, maybe you don't. And I really HATE to coin a phrase, but it really is about the journey.
Prepare for that as best you can. If you're in school, finish it. If you have a job, save.
What you don't realize is that you're already on your own trail. You just haven't realized it yet.
FYI my life is STILL interesting! I ain't dead yet!!!
We're the same age, lived very different lives. I don't think either of our lives has been better lived. Would definitely be good times to compare notes. Based on geography we'll probably never get that chance but it's interesting to me how we shared the same sort of conceptual space growing up and took our different paths. It's interesting the things that drive our path through life aren't what we think they are.
I was not raised by my biological mom. I never talked to her until I was 18. I met her and my siblings still years later, and my youngest brother was probably 15-20 years younger, but damn he reminded me so much of myself.
I never thought that much of my bio-mom after meeting her. But that little version of me grew up, got into drugs, got in trouble with the law, and is already dead. And it would've been so easy for him to just not do that. Or maybe had I grown up in that life, it would've seemed impossible to escape that path. I wonder what the inflection point was from that curious, kind, thoughtful kid to what he became. I wonder if there was ever a chance to help him escape it or if the seeds of his self-destruction were already planted.
I guess that's why other paths from where I started fascinate me so much. Hope things go as well as they can in the health front. Good travels, friend!
Yeah it's really hard to say "this life was better than that life". What you measure and how you measure just doesn't "measure up". Some would say Elon Musk has the best life, he's the richest guy on the planet, they'd like to be him, etc. Other's think he's the Anitichrist.
Sorry to hear about your brother. The older I get, the more I don't think there's ever any "seeds of self-destruction". I've seen a lot of people go down the drug road. Some you'd never guess would ever even touch a drug. But once that dopamine and endorphins hit the reward center of their brain, that's usually it. Human beings effectively become lab rats at that point. The behavior is identical. I (like most people) experimented in my 20's, but it was never conducive to the life I wanted to live (seeing the world). I like to sleep, I like to keep my wits about me, so anything stronger than beer was just never a good time. I have also lost friends and loved ones to the stuff, it just leaves you wondering "why"? I think for some, the feeling or high is truly overpowering and it only takes one curious moment to expose yourself to that kind of risk.
But all of that is just one of a billion different paths to go in life. Some people go to MIT and end up working at the CERN. Others go into art or music. Some become contractors, some go into politics, some fly into space. Some have kids, others don't, some even adopt. I'm always fascinated by the "how" in it all. What lead them to choose the things they chose? What surprises came along the way that they didn't see coming? I find out more and more, most people didn't "decide" to be where they are. They just ended up there, in part from life choices but equally in part circumstances. The mom of three really only planned to be a mom of one. The contractor had originally planned to be a musician. Thank you for your message!