Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Yeah it's really hard to say "this life was better than that life". What you measure and how you measure just doesn't "measure up". Some would say Elon Musk has the best life, he's the richest guy on the planet, they'd like to be him, etc. Other's think he's the Anitichrist.
Sorry to hear about your brother. The older I get, the more I don't think there's ever any "seeds of self-destruction". I've seen a lot of people go down the drug road. Some you'd never guess would ever even touch a drug. But once that dopamine and endorphins hit the reward center of their brain, that's usually it. Human beings effectively become lab rats at that point. The behavior is identical. I (like most people) experimented in my 20's, but it was never conducive to the life I wanted to live (seeing the world). I like to sleep, I like to keep my wits about me, so anything stronger than beer was just never a good time. I have also lost friends and loved ones to the stuff, it just leaves you wondering "why"? I think for some, the feeling or high is truly overpowering and it only takes one curious moment to expose yourself to that kind of risk.
But all of that is just one of a billion different paths to go in life. Some people go to MIT and end up working at the CERN. Others go into art or music. Some become contractors, some go into politics, some fly into space. Some have kids, others don't, some even adopt. I'm always fascinated by the "how" in it all. What lead them to choose the things they chose? What surprises came along the way that they didn't see coming? I find out more and more, most people didn't "decide" to be where they are. They just ended up there, in part from life choices but equally in part circumstances. The mom of three really only planned to be a mom of one. The contractor had originally planned to be a musician. Thank you for your message!