Kinda rage bait. I’m a newish mom and verbalize when struggling. If he’s doesn’t know how to help, I direct him. I had to get comfortable with the fact that he would help in his own way and to not steamroll him as a parent just because I’m mom. But I ask if I need something; he’s not a mind reader or an asshole, he’s my partner.
I hope it gets better for anyone struggling like this. It’s tough.
I have great respect for the task of being a parent in our time. Not just the social pressure and the workload is immense, figuring out how to share it is a hard task on it's own. It's great, that it seems to work for you.
I'm just always a little irritated, when people talk about men "helping out" in care work, as if it is not their main task, as if it is extra applaudable when it's men that do the same exact thing. I might read way to much into this choice of words, so feel free to ignore, but would you call what you do as a parent "helping with parenting"? Whenever workers share an equal workload e.g. on a construction site, one wouldn't usually say about the other:"they helped out", they would say:"they did their part, same as I did, same es everyone else". Directing people, keeping everything in mind and telling them when something needs to be done is a lot of work too, a kind that's easily ignored.
I guess if one person has to do a lot more wage labor than the other to fill a shared account, than that's a piece of their part of the work too and that might mean less care work. In the end whatever setup works for everyone involved is fine, as long as it is consensual and meets everyones needs as much as possible.
Help isn't just used in the context of a person doing something and another person with a secondary contribution. It's also the word used for two people working together on a common goal.
We're helping eachother out.
You made a nice meal. Oh yes, but Steve and Joe were helping me cook. That doesn't mean one was the cook, it means 3 people cooked to make a meal.
OP even says "when he doesn't know how to help" implying all his chores are done and he still has energy so he gets advice on the next chore from his partner. Maybe it's a chore his partner usually does, or maybe it's a chore he didn't notice needed to get done that she noticed. If she finishes her chores and has energy left she can ask for the same thing.
God you just want to see men as useless and women as heroes when we're all just people in this world trying to make the best of things.
This generalization can fuck off in a number of different ways.
As a father I'm seeing all these other fathers and just think damn glad i'm not their wife.
