Ask Lemmy

I have lots of advice but I haven't so much as held someone's hand since 2005. So about twenty years now.

The only advice I have is find women your age and ask your questions to them. See what they say. Then go from there.

Think the best advice is that when you talk to a woman in public you should have a reason besides her being a woman in public. Like if a man approached me because he thought my shirt looked cool or he saw me reading a book he liked that's a fine bit of casual conversation. If he just point blank asked if I had a boyfriend as if that's the only reason a woman wouldn't want to date a random man she knows nothing about I'd tell him that was none of his business.

Women don't want to be approached in public.

Not being able to freely communicate with about half of humanity is definitely a handicap, lol. Nothing that can't be learned though!

I'm going to echo the suggestion to approach men (and later women) for whatever reason to practice approaching people you don't "have business" with.

Ask a question, comment on something benign (cool shirt?), etc.

And also expand your list of contexts where it's ok to talk to people.

Anywhere that groups of people gather is a good option. Concerts, cafés potentially, parks...as long as you aren't cornering anybody, you should be fine.

You are both right and you’re both wrong.

I’m right in the middle of yours and your parents age. The dating scene is complete shit today compared to when your parents were in it. I don’t believe they’re likely recognizing how different shit is today vs 30-40 years ago.

I feel like the viewpoint you’re coming from is calculated, safe and fairly accurate for the experiences you’ve likely had in your teen years and early 20’s. More often than not, sticking with what you’ve been doing is going to be considered the more socially graceful, generally appropriate baseline behavior in today’s dating world.

If you were to take the opposite approach, and approach women in places that you’ve previously considered socially unacceptable, there’s a good chance you’d have some success and a good chance you’d deal with some awkward rejections too.

If I were you, I’d try putting myself outside of my comfort zone a couple of times, maybe a city two hours away from where you live. If you’re into anime or comics, go to a con and approach women you’d be uncomfortable approaching otherwise. If you’re into reading at all, go to a bookstore and do this. Everyone needs to eat, supposedly the grocery store is fair game.

Do some social experimenting. Safer to figure out things a bit away from home though if you’re nervous.

It’s ok to talk to a woman. But judging by your wall of text… maybe it’s not ok for you specifically to talk to a woman.

I have a different problem - I sometimes perceive extremely attractive women as "usual", until my head is too dizzy with them, and I also sometimes perceive them being kind as flirt, and flirt as being more serious, and being more serious as being kind, and all the combinations, and get confused when they approach me, and in general this leads to trying to start\see possible relationships being a point of pain. I don't want to treat another human being as a piece of nice meat in any fundamental regard. At the same time when a beautiful woman does certain things with her facial muscles, willpower and feel of reality just leave the chat. At the same time she might be a very good person and do that as part of a sincere emotion, so just discarding moments where feel of reality leaves the chat would discard most of women who do that. And the rest would be discarded by fear of not delivering on expectations (not of being nice and smart, that I can accept mostly not being, but of being barely reliable and not again falling into depression or stagnating in personal development or emotional fakery or something like that).

OK, yes, this thread is not for autistic people.

Your parents might be right, you are paying too much attention to the rules. The rules are like a noise canceling filter, you shouldn't apply them for moments important to you. If you really like someone, break the rules, then lick your wounds if she says that was ugly ; she most likely won't. By breaking the rules I don't mean doing anything , just what's not fully appropriate, but not evil. Like - if you lost your phone and need to call someone urgently, how appropriate would it be to approach the first person you see? But is that justified? Relationships are kinda important and rare enough.

It's inappropriate to approach women in public unless you have business with them."

What are you Amish?

I'm with your parents on this one. It's not hard to talk to someone without harassing them. Obviously you have to be mindful of the context of the situation.

• You're at a party and attempt to strike up a friendly conversation with someone? Totally fine

• You see an attractive stranger walking on the street and you stop them to ask them out? Not ok

Obviously there are loads of gray areas in between, but you can't just start with the premise that talking to a woman is harassment.

Youre right that there are social rules saying you shouldn't. But when you're confident and have social skills you can break the rules.

If you trust yourself to have the social intelligence to pickup on signs of disinterest or irritation then go for it. Start with a casual chat and have 0 expectations. You'll feel if its right to ask for their number.

If you know you dont have good social skills then just play it safe and find some mixed groups and just try make friends with as many people as possible.

Have times changed? Yes. Do you need to approach women? Yes. Don't hide behind a screen. Get out there and talk with women.

Talking with people is not disrespectful. God, what a sad society is that?

There's a saying that goes something like, "Enlarge your territory, linger in public, walk through open doors." That's a good start. Get out of the house and linger in public places. Strike up conversations and be a social animal. Talk with everyone: men, women, young, old - get that practice in. If you talk with everyone, then you're not putting as much pressure on yourself. Don't get attached to an outcome, but challenge yourself to talk to people.

I think you're making excuses. I strike conversations with strangers all the time, including women. I go dancing for swing, salsa, bachata. You wanna see something that challenges your beliefs on interactions between men and women? Go watch Bachata.

But anyway. Social skills are a skill and they need to be worked. Put yourself out there and get rejected. (You'll learn it's not so bad).

Your parents are definitely right.

i'm not particular what you would call a normal guy and i have a lot of edgy views, but my take on this is simply that the main and by far number one reason why you're not supposed to talk to women nowadays is because social media has instilled an outright fear of men in women.

you see, women are naturally very intelligent and pick up signals, even small ones, fast. if they see a hundred social media posts a day, and even one of them says something like "men are bad, keep away from them", they will take the warning very seriously, even though there might be not much of a good reasoning behind it. maybe whoever wrote that social media post was only a crazy christian and was saying it because she was worried about staying "pure". there are unfortunately christian people out there who think that "morale" and stuff like "staying pure [from men flirting with women]" are more important than understanding the social needs of the people. such is religion. over the internet it spreads like crazy. that's why the women are all afraid of men. to which i respond with this meme:

(which means as much as: the fear is artificial and instilled; look at the actual predators. it is the rich)

My advice for you is: stay careful, as there are crazy "feminists" out there, who are only looking for a "catch". For example, they want to test their "critique" on someone, and try to hurt you simply because they're looking for a fight. but also, you must understand that only your heart will carry you forward, so you must listen to it. it is a difficult path to walk, but maybe you can try it.

dont talk to anyone. eyes glued to the floor. no smiling. in fact, never leave your house ever again.