Not The Onion

The headline buries the lede:

A woman allegedly came out of a nearby room after Spillman’s arrest and told police he had followed her from the hotel lobby to the sixth floor. The woman said she and other guests “immediately entered their room because she was in fear of their lives”, the police statement recounted. The statement added that the woman purportedly saw Spillman “masturbating next to [the] hotel room”. Hotel security told police they had also seen Spillman allegedly engaging in the same behavior on the floor.

He's not just doing something inappropriate in public that would be fine in private. He's following women around and doing this outside their rooms. That's a serious problem.

Local sheriff’s office deputies say they arrested John Andrew Spillman, 33, on Sunday after he was found naked while off duty on the sixth floor of the DoubleTree by Hilton hotel Miami airport & convention center, according to a sworn law enforcement statement reviewed by the Guardian.

The Secret Service’s best-known responsibility is protecting the US president. And earlier that day, Spillman had been part of an external screening security detail at the 2025 PGA Cadillac Championship, which Donald Trump attended.

According to the police statement outlining the circumstances of his arrest at the hotel, Miami-Dade county sheriff’s office deputies found Spillman “masturbating at the end of the hallway”. A woman allegedly came out of a nearby room after Spillman’s arrest and told police he had followed her from the hotel lobby to the sixth floor.

Someone run over and get c/NominativeDeterminism

The dude found a way out, lol