Turns out I'm a birb.
this post was submitted on 01 Jun 2026
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I used to have a parrot. A male. After he was a few years old he realized my hand was warm. Very warm. And nicely curved.
And he hunched down while I was holding him and wiggles his little butt on my hand.
I realized what was going on. But I didn't want him to do this on me because 1. It made me feel gross. 2. I worried it would make him confused about our relationship.
He only ever did it a few times but when he did. I would gently remove him from my hand and put him on his perch.
So he knew he wasn't in trouble. But that I wasn't going to let him use my hand.
I get online. Of course. See what other people are saying.
Some were saying it's fine. Let the bird rub one out on your hand/shoulder..wherever.
Some said they disciplined the birds by squirting them with water when they did it.
Now I feel like masturbating is natural. Especially for an isolated animal. I mean. Common. Let them have that.
But I don't think I should be involved.
So I got this idea from watching a documentary about Real Dolls.
So I made my parrot a fabric stuffed bird companion. Same size as him. Same colors.
But he never touched it. I spent like 4 hours hand stitching that parrot sex doll for him.
But the heart wants what the heart wants.
I removed the bespoke stuffed parrot from his play area after about a month.
I never saw him rub his rump on anything else. I felt kinda bad that he couldn't have that small pleasure for himself but it is what it is.
He would get rather aggressive during mating season so I really hoped he would figure out how to relieve his own tension.
He only lived about 6 years and died from a heart problem. His species usually lives around 35.
Miss my little JoJo. He was the most interesting pet I've ever had. But probably wont get another parrot. They are not really domesticated animals.
So I actually found a pic of the bird and the sex doll bird. 
I had a rescue cockatoo that was probably in his 40s or 50s when I got him. He’d had a rough life, possibly a wild capture before he entered the pet trade. Never spoke if I was watching, but if he thought I was gone would babble to himself in English, Spanish, and a third that might have been another language or gibberish, never figured it out. He used to love to try and mate with my girlfriend’s head.
While I agree that parrots shouldn’t be bred to be pets, since that’s an industry that currently isn’t going to get ended any time soon, your love, skill, and dedication would make you an excellent rescuer. There’s a lot of older birds who’ve had shit lives and deserve the remainder of their years living with someone who cares.
I have thought of fostering. But now I have two cats.
But if I'm ever in a long term place with the space, I would definitely consider taking in rescue birds.
Im rather fond of birds. I used to make JoJo toys and play areas. And helped him groom his pin feathers.
I even taught him a few tricks.
But they are very complex animals. And they need room to fly. When I had jo I worked from home and had a huge living room and a long hallway. So he was rarely in his cage and would fly up and down the hallway.
He had play areas by the window. Top of his cage. And one next to my work station.
They need a lot of stimulation. And social interactions.
I really miss Zeke. I converted a walk-in closet into a good sized aviary and only trimmed his flight feathers to the point he couldn’t fully “fly” but could safely enjoy himself in the environment he lived in. But most of the time he had full access to the house and yard. He was a such a big personality. I had three dogs and a cat at the time, and he’d own his own begging at the dinner table for a treat next to all of them and nobody, despite the size difference, ever fucked with him. I loved our mutual grooming, stroking his feathers and him nuzzling through my hair.
I’m stoked that this year I’m in a place where I could get chickens. They’re not parrots but they’re scratching that “I like being around birds” itch. Out of my four gals I have one that wants to be my gal, one who is curious, one who’s maybe, and my little “idk but you feed me”.
I told a friend of mine with chickens that parrots love beak rubs. And I would bet chickens do too.
Next time I saw him be told me his buddies were calling him the chicken whisperer cause now all the chickens come up to him for beak rubs.
Give that a try with yours and see if it helps build trust.
Chickens are pretty cool too. Honestly I have a soft spot for most birds.
! So much work and he doesn't want it 😭
I even made it out of soft corduroy. I hoped the ridges would feel like feathers. Idk. I couldn't find any guides online for how to make your parrot a sex doll.
Maybe some progress on the topic has been made since my last attempt.
Maybe a heat pad would have made it more interesting? 😅
good bird.
What kind of jerks were punishing birds for masturbating? Let animals do their thing, they didn't ask to share a planet with humans and our weird maladaptive behaviours
I got morbidly curious about this and went digging through bird communities one day.
On one hand it seems like there are a difficult number of different things that will randomly prompt birds to just start fucking themselves. Everything from not putting them in isolation whenever they do it to unknowingly touching them anywhere but on the head. It's like a whole thing you have to learn all their triggers and watch for them because they'll goon so hard they die of stress.
On the other hand, why are we putting animals in captivity that goon themselves to death if you don't give them a mate? Seems kind of cruel compared to other animals that we've domesticated
I only just recently discovered that birds are capable of masturbating, and, frankly, I’m proud of them.
cloacal rubbing.
Considering that basically all birds (except a few like the red-billed buffalo weaver) only do a cloacal kiss, it shouldn't be too surprising I guess.
Frankly, I don’t see how it’s any of my goddamn business. Let them have their fun.
No delicious seeds, only Kellogg's Corn Flakes™
Excuse Me??
So that's why Archaeopteryx evolved hands.
they still had teeth and claws. they probably could do it better than modern birds. plus there were the odd "enathiornids. aka opposite birds"
Who is even calling it to be punished? Do they even know what it looks like when the birds do it?
That goes against the birble! A Cardinal sin! Fowl mouthed herony I say!
It’s not the masturbation that’s the problem, it’s what that asshole parrot says while doing it.
I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND
Why is this being posted absolutely everywhere??
Well, what about blokes?