Hi everyone, I'm currently going thru a breakup with someone that seems to be a narcissist (no diagnosis but their behaviour seems to point that she is) and I think is the first time I dealt with someone like that.
We had a fallout after she had an argument with her family and friends during a party that I attended to at her place, she stormed out of her place completely drunk and left me there in a weird position, her friends where bitter and told me things about her and it matched with things I saw by myself but wasn't sure so I didn't make a big fuss about them and that broke me completely since I'm deeply in love with her.
Her friends and I just stopped talking to her after her rude behavior and actually expected her to apologize to me or give me an explanation but she didn't budge and just kept on partying and not talking at all to me for almost a week and whene she did talk was to tell me that how did I dare to distrust her.
She has been on and off with me and calls me in the middle of the night piss drunk to tell me she loves me and that she misses me and then she'll go cold again, we'll spend a night together and then cold again and that's driving me mad since I already tend to overthink everything or day dream a lot and is literally torture in my brain I cannot take the thoughts out of my head since I'm hyper focusing on that only and is making me feel a lot of pain and solitude.
Have you ever dealt with a situation like this? Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk? Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?
Thanks in advance for your responses
Edit: I wanted to ad as well that she's a transgender woman and I had a crush on her since I was a teenager (she's kinda popular on social media in my country) she actually made me realize that I liked trans girls and somehow we bumped into each other again now that I'm an adult but now I'm having these thoughts that I might not find someone that understands me and she made me feel like an outcast again, I introduced her to my family and made it clear that I fell in love of her goofy moments in privacy and her eyes it was never a sexual thing like really was pure but now I'm totally shattered I've been drinking every weekend in order to catch some sleep and it's scaring me a lot
That's where my other suggestion about cultivating healthy personal boundaries come in. There's a great story about the Buddha getting buttonholed by the father of one of his students, who harangues the Buddha at length for wasting his son's time and teaching him a load of philosophical nonsense. The Buddha sits and listens patiently until the father runs out of stream and stops speaking. At which point the Buddha smiles sweetly and says "I'm very sorry, I cannot use your abuse, you may have it back". The Buddha has no shortage of compassion or empathy, but that doesn't mean he has to suffer fools gladly ; )
There will always be some people who will try to cast you as a bit player in their dramas, like the father in that story does to Buddha. Sometimes maliciously, more often through lack of self-awareness. That's what over-identification with ego does to us. But even though they'll make it seem compulsory, and even make turning down the role awkward or painful, it's always your choice whether you let them direct you or not. Since we're trading songs, When You Come Back Home by The Front Lawn seems pretty relevant to this.
As I said in my initial reply, figuring out how to handle this less like a people-pleaser and more like the Buddha in that story is a lifelong journey. But the better you get at it, the less attractive you are to narcissists and other Cluster B personalities, and the more likely you are to attract people with healthy boundaries and respect for yours. So it does get easier over time, even if it can seem a little lonely at first.