CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I've posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it's kinda shitty I've never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn't realised I'd managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to 'date'. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you're not sure there's even a problem. But you are certain there's an issue. How'd you explain that to anyone? How'd you explain that to them?
Idk why I'm posting this rant. I'm sorry for disturbing you all. I don't even want someone to tell me I'm wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
'Yeah, no, you're right there's something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you're right, you shouldn't be here. No, you're absolutely right, there's an unplacable ugliness to you that you can't fix and everyone will always notice.'
I don't know what I'd do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it'd make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
Dating is not fun. It wasn't fun in my 20s. And if I had to do it in my mid thirties, God have mercy on my soul.
The only advice I can give you is to put yourself in situations where you meet people. You don't have to go out looking for a relationship to find it.
I think its better to just find like minded people to do activities with, and eventually you will find someone who likes you, and you mesh with.
The road to that place is long and sucks ass, but you'll get there.
As for the suicidal ideation, I've also been there. Go out and exercise, and touch the grass, socialize with other people, and if you drink, stop doing it so much. But, also, get enough sleep! That is easier said than done, I know.
Once I started getting enough sleep, trying to set a bedtime for myself, and if necessary, drug myself with sleep aids to go to sleep, my suicidal ideation pretty much disappeared.
Now, if you do all that and you're still having suicidal ideation, see a therapist if you can. Best of luck, life is hard.
Thanks for the words of support. Genuinely happy things have gotten better for you. In many ways, they've also been getting better for me.
In other replies I've approached why I want to 'date' rather than evolve but maybe it's just a case of it's yet another thing I can't/shouldn't do.
I wouldnt say it's something you can't or even shouldn't do. But if it's making you feel bad, take a step back and ask yourself why it makes you feel that way. Keep in mind, people with ADHD often have issues with low self-esteem. That goes double if you've had an kind of trauma. You should be kinder to yourself about these feelings you are having.