CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I've posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it's kinda shitty I've never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn't realised I'd managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to 'date'. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you're not sure there's even a problem. But you are certain there's an issue. How'd you explain that to anyone? How'd you explain that to them?
Idk why I'm posting this rant. I'm sorry for disturbing you all. I don't even want someone to tell me I'm wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
'Yeah, no, you're right there's something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you're right, you shouldn't be here. No, you're absolutely right, there's an unplacable ugliness to you that you can't fix and everyone will always notice.'
I don't know what I'd do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it'd make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
This might be an unpopular opinion but online dating works and is worth the struggle.
I also experienced some ghosting, periods of few replies, etc as well but I got better at it over time and found much better results as I adjusted. This is honestly a marathon not a sprint. Pace yourself, take a week off from matching (sometimes more) when it wears you out.
If you’re not getting enough dates then you must improve your photos. Your photos are everything in online dating. Even one 15% better photo can make all the difference. Over the next while try to improve your appearance, whether through some nicer clothes, finding a pretty setting, or a haircut and make sure to take a couple photos wherever you go. Most new photos may not look good but occasionally you will create one that’s an improvement worth updating your profiles with. People will learn about you after they are attracted to you. This is not vain or selfish, we want a partner we are attracted to.
I briefly dated someone who worked at one of the dating apps, and she told me about the science of dating. It’s called an “optimal stopping problem” and I highly recommend you google it.
It boils down to meeting as many people as does not burn you out, then locking in on the next best person you find. This will be your best chance of a good life partner. Also for men, there is a pay to play aspect. Be comfortable paying a monthly fee if you’re not getting any new dates. I know this is not perfectly fair but it makes sense how it came about. (And can be cheaper than buying strangers drinks.)
Once things get rolling be sure to turn down people you have doubts about. There is an ADHD impulse control issue where you may have an urge to go all in on a person showing you affection, especially if you’ve been needing it for some time. But please don’t settle, you should have very few reservations when you meet someone ideal for the long term. Again, your best chance of success is to say no to a good handful of people first so you know what’s possible and have more insight into what you need.
We spend so much energy on schooling for jobs we might change, but ideally a good partner is forever too. This is worth spending time and energy on. I married someone so perfect for me I didn’t let myself believe it was possible before I met them. I wouldn’t have found this without online dating - I am convinced it is better at putting you in front of people who suit you more than what past generations had to go through as long as people are willing to adjust to its quirks.