this post was submitted on 05 May 2025

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172

I avoid approaching women in public because I believe it's inappropriate. My parents say that it's a necessary skill. Who is right? (lemmy.world)

submitted 17 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) by sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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The other day, my parents asked me (22M) if there were any women that I find attractive (I guess because they're paranoid about me being gay lol) and I told them yes, there's a fair number of women that I've seen in public that I've found attractive.

They asked me, "Do you talk to any of them?" and I said "No??? It's inappropriate to approach women in public unless you have business with them."

I told them that it is only appropriate for a man to talk to a woman he doesn't know when the social situation is explicitly designed for meeting strangers—dating apps, hobby groups, meeting friends of friends, etc. In my view, cold approaching women you don't know just because you're attracted to them is harassment.

My parents told me that I'm being ridiculous and making excuses because I'm nervous. They are adamant that I need to learn to approach women or else I will never find a partner. I told them that times have changed and this is disrespectful and potentially predatory behavior along the lines of unsolicited flirting and catcalling. Approaching women is a violation of their personal space and could make them feel very uncomfortable, especially if they feel like they don't have an easy way out.

My parents are almost 60 and they are very conservative, so they don't exactly follow progressive discourse, and I feel like they're super out of touch on this as a result. Particularly, my mom tends to strike up conversations with other women in public, and she's skeptical when I tell her that I can't do the same thing because I'm a man and would be viewed as a potential predator.

But I also don't get out much, which makes me second-guess how distorted my understanding of the social world is from reality. My parents are like a broken clock, and sometimes they DO have a point about something despite 90% of their opinions being insane. Maybe there is a more nuanced reality that I'm not picking up on.

So I wanted to ask here. Are my parents out of touch? Am I out of touch? Are we both wrong? I want to know your opinion.

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[–] Red_Crystal@lemmy.world 3 points 16 hours ago (10 children)

Where did I say that? There are drunk people in the bar, and they don't always want to meet you. Yes, there are those who are only thirsty for acquaintances, but often they themselves will take the initiative. I suggested a list - cafes, parks, embankments, etc. It's not always pleasant to talk to people who have been drinking, especially when it's not part of the group.

[+] BlameThePeacock@lemmy.ca -6 points 15 hours ago (9 children)

If you walk up to random people in a cafe, park, or embankment (really?) and ask for their numbers, you could get a positive response, but it's equally likely that a women (or even a group) will start yelling at you for doing so.

That's what I'm saying about nowhere to ask safely. Some women will be totally fine with being approached, and others will not, but there is ZERO way to indicate to others that information.

We need to bring back the whole gay handkerchief system and adapt it to the whole population, If everyone wore an accessory or object that indicates your willingness(or not) to be approached it would make the whole situation 100% better. Like a stoplight party, but all the time and with slightly less impact on your whole wardrobe.

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 3 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 14 hours ago) (4 children)

If you walk up to random people in a cafe, park, or embankment (really?) and ask for their numbers

So I think this is the disconnect. This isn't window shopping; you're trying to connect with another human being. You need to take the time to talk with her, see if she shows interest by engaging and encouraging the conversation, and if there's any commonality or chemistry between you.

Then, if you think there could be something there, offer to give your number rather than ask for hers. It will help her feel safer with you, and she can choose whether or not to accept and if she takes it, she can choose whether or not to follow up. It puts the onus on her to move things forward.

[–] BlameThePeacock@lemmy.ca -3 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

I'm 40, and married. This isn't about me.

You still don't get it through, you say talk to them first, but thay limits when you can even start a conversation to very limited locations and certainly doesn't include your suggestions around a park or embankment.

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 3 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

A couple of things:

I'm not the 'park or embankment' person, I was just using your response to that person to point out why cold-approaching someone for their digits is a bad idea.
I'm 43 and married, not sure why that should be relevant? Never meant to imply it was about you; I was using the 'general you'.
The whole point is quality over quantity, which is why it's in both parties' interest to chat a bit first and see if there's potential. It's a small investment of time and effort to see if there's anything there that's worth pursuing. Some guys seem to think it's a numbers game - that if you just shoot your shot (again, the general you) with a bunch of women, some percentage of them will land. That's a recipe for frustration. I would never just give my number to a guy who asked for it out of the blue, and I'd reckon most women wouldn't either.
You keep talking about limited locations, but I disagree that they're limited. Look for women where people go to socialize - bars, live music, book clubs, hobby events (e.g., group hikes if you're a hiker). And this is the perfect venue to casually chat with the woman and feel out the situation.

I don't know what to tell you man. There are people all through this thread telling you it's not as dire and impossible as you seem to think it is.

[–] Red_Crystal@lemmy.world 1 points 1 hour ago

He doesn't need an introduction. He's married. But he teaches a 22 year old guy... It feels like he's not 40, but 60... And the only place to meet someone is a bar... 🤦🏼‍♀️In different cultures and different countries everything is different. You need to study it first. And he was told directly that I, for example, do not talk to drunk people. Unfortunately, such is the society, and it is too nasty when drunk.

That is, if they refuse, then there are reasons for this. And it doesn't mean that everyone is obliged to give each other a phone number.... God, 2025.... Who gives them out anyway? This is personal information that is not advisable to distribute. You have nicknames in IG, Reddit, Twitter, FB and Telegram... And a bunch of others.

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