Been suicidal most of my life, and without a doubt, my life would have been better if I jumped off my window when I was a teen like I wanted.
It always gets worse, always, and I'm so tired.
I'm almost 40 and I think 40 years of pain is enough. I've seen what life can provide and I rather not suffer any more.
Don't worry, i have no plans, because I cannot die.
when my ex beat me, no matter how hard, I never bruised, so absolutely no one believed me, and the police just said they would arrest me if I touched her. When I try cutting myself to cope, no matter how sharp the blade it barely cuts my skin. the last time I got a bruise was a small bruise on my face when I feel down the stairs a whole floor and my face broke my fall, it went away after a day or two.
And I've had 5 suicide attempts, some were encouraged by my ex. and I barely got any side effects.
Took a whole box of antidepressants, only effect was not being able to mastubate for a couple days.
dranks a whole bottle of wine in one shot and took a box of blood pressure medication, and i didn't even get durnk. no matter how much I drink I cannot get drunk. I tried developing a drinking problem to cope, but no matter how much I drink I dont get drunk.
I take 1000mg of thc gummies just because it helps me sleep, I don't even get high, it just helps me sleep and skip a few hours of the horrors.
Tried shrooms, all the way to twice a hero dose, way beyond ego death, and I just got some light visual artifacts in the corner of my eye, but no high, no nothing, just a waste of shrooms for like 50 people.
In a week of exceptional depression I didn't eat or drink, decided to continue until I collapsed and died, one week, zero symptoms, feelt just normal, no thirst, hunger, no dehydration, and not even weight loss. I made the mistake of changing my mind and eat again, not sure if it changed anything as I doubt I would have died. People die without food or water, not me apparently.
Might be a fucking superhero, except the only think I do is suffer and I cannot escape.
Why can't I die???? why??? why am I forced to suffer in pain every fucking day.
The only times something good happens is only so it can be taken away and hurt me more.
The only good thing in the last couple of years was that for the first time in my life I've made a group of firends I love and adore. and they actually love me too, I feel a bit human when I'm with them, and now I have to say goodbye. Live gave me a loving support group just to say SIKE. A found family, just so I can lose them. It was a trap and I feel for it.
And if any of you suggests any services, I'm undocumented, cant access non of them. because of course, it's my life and there's no escape from the suffering.
If you read this far. do not take your life for granted,. enjoy your ups and downs, I only get downs.
I understand that all too well.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about why. I used to think there was something I was needed for, but now I don't know how I would ever impact more than a handful of lives. The world is pretty fucked.
Now I've come to believe it's about ourselves, about growth. We're here to learn some kind of lesson, either something we chose in some way or as a punishment. If it were all random, why would the easy way out be blocked?
I try to help the people around me. I spend a lot of time looking inside myself, trying to speed run whatever I'm supposed to take from this experience so I won't have to do it again. I try to understand humanity, both the good and the flaws. I try to understand the world. I try to understand myself
When I get deep enough into meditation, a handful of times I've had visions. Just a flash of a scene and sometimes a message partially understood, then I'm thrown back to rock solid reality. It only happens when I'm very deep in meditation, otherwise even substances don't make me see more than colors.
I think the way out is through new experiences. To experience new sides of life
I find myself having little to tie me down, so I think I'm going to set up my car as a sleeper and go on a journey. Try to taste true freedom and go wherever the wind takes me, to search for beauty and answers, and overcome whatever inevitable challenges that brings
If that doesn't work, maybe I'll try to live with monks for a time, and see if a life free of distractions will bring answers or some form of joy
All I can tell you for sure is that you're not alone, to seek joy wherever you can find it, and to take it one day at a time... Not like there's another option