Asklemmy

I had depression since I was 14 and started to take an upper in the mornings and a downer in the evenings by age 17. I also developed chronic neck pain due to scoliosis and took Tetrazepam as muscle relaxant. Later I switched to Diazepam because the French banned Tetrazepam, and that's where the addiction started. Got up to around 20mg of Diazepam in addition to two beers or a glass of wine in the evenings, at least 2-3 times a week.

The diabolical nature of Benzos is that they have this cumulative effect due to very high plasma half-life of about 50 hours. So if you take 20mg on Monday, you'll still have 10mg in your blood on Wednesday. If you add another 20mg, you'll have 15mg in your blood on Friday. Take another 20 and you are up to 17.5mg on Sunday. This can continue until you're dead half a year later by slowly overdosing. Couple it with other GABA-ergic substances like alcohol and you have a serious multi-drug addiction within a few weeks.

The withdrawals were hell. I stopped when I started studying in 2015 and noticed a pattern of me becoming more aggressive and harsh against my wife due to my on/off relationship with addiction. One time I could juuuust stop myself from hitting her in an argument, which lead to me breaking down crying my heart out and putting a gun to my head. I had become everything I always despised, and I realised I just started because I wanted to be productive in capitalism. The cold steel against my temple made me snap out of my constant cycle of self-hatred and self-harm.

This was the same time when I became a radical leftist accelerationist. If things are bad, they have to become worse to the point the system breaks down. I confessed my addiction to my wife and she helped me overcome it, with healthy hobbies like hiking and swimming.

I started to pull myself together, switched my field of study and finally got a Bachelor's in 2021. Now I'm completely drug-free most of the time. Had a few relapses and still have Benzos at home as they're the only pills which help me sleep when the nerve damage and neck pain gets to me. I only take them in emergencies now and only ever keep 4 tablets at home, the others are in a bank drawer.

Nowadays I'm pretty successful job-wise, I'm 35 and in the top 10% earners in my country. I made lots of friends since 2015 and have no fear of dying alone. I work with kids and teach them programming and project management sometimes. Since 2022 I even go on a long vacation every year.

Life is good now. I feel like I have already been at my lowest point and I'll never ever go back there again.