ADHD

My boyfriend of a decade and a half told me he had been suspecting I had it for awhile. He had been suspecting it for years. Just never said anything because we were managing pretty well and he didn't want to throw a bomb into my life unless it was necessary.

When he told me, I was in the middle of having a mental breakdown over my inability to focus at work. He told me he felt I deserved to know because he hated how hard I was on myself and he wanted me to understand that I couldn't help it.

It changed a lot for me when he said it. In a way it felt like something clicked into place, sort of. I have since spent a little over a year learning about ADHD and understanding what my symptoms are and where I am similar or different to the listed symptoms.

I have tried to get a referral twice. First time the doctor I saw refused to give me one and instead acted very inappropriately with me. The other time I got my referral from another doctor, who was more professional and then I just kinda stopped the process from there. I tried to find a psychiatrist, but it was very overwhelming and the system was very disorganized and confusing to use so I couldn't. I also found out that apparently this whe thing is extremely sensitive to me and the few times I managed to find phone numbers to call, I would start crying uncontrollably and being unable to call anyone because I was so embarrassed about my emotional outbursts.

I decided I would look into it later when I was in a better place mentally, but everytime I have even tried to take a step into getting diagnosed since then, I become very emotional. I don't know how to describe it. It's very embarrassing. I am also extremely terrified of being humiliated. I dont have the best experiences seeking help for mental health stuff so I'm very scared of going through something like that again. And to put myself in a situation where someone is literally there to question my life experiences and determine if they are valid or not. That just fucks with me in ways I can't describe, so while I would really love to be officially diagnosed, I am just too scared of the emotional toll the process would take on me. My boyfriend feels the same way. It was one of the reasons he didn't tell me about his suspicions at first.

So for now I'm living my life with the knowledge that I probably have some form of ADHD and I try to be a bit more forgiving of myself when I mess up and I try to embrace the parts pf me I tried to erase my whole life. In that sense, it has helped me a lot. Even if it isn't ADHD, it does help to keep in mind that I have always done my best and that my best just isn't as good as most people's average.