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How do people who can't have or don't want penetrative sex find compatible partners? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 day ago by sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

22 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I (22M, heterosexual) am interested in a sensual and affectionate form of intimacy involving purely oral stimulation. My desire is entirely centered on kissing and being kissed as a way to exchange love and pleasure (with oral sex being an extension of kissing). It is so hot to me that it is genuinely all I want, and penetrative forms of sex do not interest me. (Due to medical issues, they also might not work super well at this point.)

I have never had a sexual partner because I was raised with a traditional model of intimacy in which an active male partner penetrates a passive female partner. Since my desires did not fit this framework, I never tried to even date anyone, believing that the type of intimacy I wanted - one in which both partners took turns giving and receiving oral pleasure - was impossible. At least, not without having to participate in an activity that didn't arouse me.

I am not nearly as ignorant as I was back then, but I would like to know if there is a general dating strategy to efficiently narrow things down to women who aren't interested in or don't require penetrative sex.

Does anyone know of someone in a similar situation who found a compatible partner regardless? If so, how did they do it?

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[–] sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world 5 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

You're probably right about the ignorance thing. I've never done this before, so I just assume that a softer erection is unusable or wouldn't be accepted at my age. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this stuff because my family doesn't want to talk about it and they expect me to figure everything out on my own. So I kinda just read and ask questions on the Internet. It sounds kinda pathetic, but it has helped me a lot.

[–] SaneMartigan@aussie.zone 6 points 21 hours ago (1 children)

It's not pathetic, it's a modern way of finding things out. I had to listen to Dr Love on late night ABC radio with call in questions from teens about sex. My parents were 100% useless. As far as the quality of your erection, if you're like the majority of young men, once someone you're being intimate with grabs your dick it'll get plenty hard.

[–] sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world 4 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago) (1 children)

Well, the issue is that I have circulatory problems. Mine used to work better, but after my condition developed, I can only get around 60-80% there. I think part of the reason I want a non-penetrative relationship is because I don't want to get attached to a function that I might not be able to perform, if not now, then in a few months or years if my circulation worsens further.

[–] SaneMartigan@aussie.zone 6 points 20 hours ago* (last edited 20 hours ago)

Viagra is a vasodialator so it may help with the circulation issues. But like I inferred, having a rock solid erection isn't essential to enjoying intimacy with people. If you are getting intimate with someone, let them know you have a minor medical issue that you'll need to work around. I have one, I mention it openly to partners and they're happy that I'm comfortable enough to do so. I had a lot of bad sex thinking there was something wrong with me (tight foreskin) when I just needed to communicate better with my partners. My best tip would be to ask partners if they have any sex toys and to show you how they like to use them.