Hey all. Getting right to it:
Last November, a majority of my wife's family voted trump. I immediately made known my disgust and that I had no interest in maintaining relationships with any of them. My wife is equally appalled, but family is important to her and she chooses to compartmentalise it for the sake of their relationships. That's her call. Typically, her mother comes to stay at our house for an extended period as we live far away, and this year I tolerated her being here for the sake of my wife.
But now, thinking about the next visit and how bad things have gotten, I can't even stand the thought of having her in my house, let alone being in the same room as her. I really don't want her here at all, but I will again tolerate her for my wife's sake. However I think it's likely that I will make myself pretty scarce during that time.
So the ethics question is - given that I expressed my distaste after the election but still remained cordial, is it ok, ethically speaking, to become more resentful as the consequences of their actions become more apparent? Or, given that what has happened since is pretty much out of everyone's hands, am I locked in to the level of hostility I showed immediately after?
I guess the distilled version is - a person does X, I express disapproval. Is it ethical to express MORE disapproval as additional unforeseen consequences of X become apparent?
Thanks for your thoughts!
Edit to Clarify - My mother in law is not MAGA and I don't think she's enjoying any of it. She thinks we can "just not talk about it" and everything will be fine. However she has become more racist and judgemental (anti-trans etc) in recent years. Hates Joe Biden and Kamal Harris but can't or won't say why. Thanks for the responses so far and I'll try to respond, but I'm about to start work shortly.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to avoid your MIL. I also think it’s reasonable for your wife to maintain the relationship.
Can you use her visit as excuse to take a vacation—alone or with friends—or visit your family? Given the circumstances, I think avoidance is a perfectly valid option. Get some you time if your wife is cool with it.
I'm definitely planning to not be around the MIL much. I have a home office to hide in. I've briefly considered taking a weekend camping here or there, but that would hurt my wife as camping has always been an us thing. But when I say she stays for an extended period, I'm talking multiple months in a normal year. Guess I'll just install some computer games! 😉
This is by far the most reasonable compromise I’ve seen. OP, if the MIL absolutely must visit, this is a completely fair thing to demand in exchange. You are making a sacrifice for the sake of your wife. If you’re willing to be flexible, she should be, too.