Asklemmy

Cousin had a 1.5h hellfire and brimstone service with an altar call in an unairconditioned church on a weekday afternoon on the Midwest prairie on a hot August day 120 miles (~192km) away from my house.

Weak perkolator coffee, grocery store sheet cake, and bite-size sandwiches (limit 2) served in the basement afterwards.

We were asked to clean up after ourselves and break down the tables and chairs after 30 min. Church doors were locked and we were ushered out after another 30min.

Last cousin wedding I went to.

At the height of the Colin Kaepernick nonsense, my cousin got married to a cop.

So the reception is going normally when everyone is asked to stand and they started playing the National fucking Anthem. Literally everyone was surprised and taken aback by this, but most complied and faced the flag.

My Very Conservative Uncle, however, was busy having a conversation with me. Next to my chair. On one knee. During the anthem.

To his credit, nobody laughed harder about it than he did. "Of course I'm the guy taking a knee during the anthem!" He also was blocking me in and gave me the perfect excuse to do what I'd planned to anyway and remain seated because what the fuck? Are we in North Korea and need to tribute Glorious Leader at every event?

That was probably one of the last family functions I've been to, come to think of it.

Mine. I got married at city hall and the justice made every sentence sound like a question. We showed up with her mom in the fanciest Goodwill, Kmart stuff we could put together. And I think he dunked on us.