I still think it's wild that no one really talks about how the order of the books after the gospels is shortest to longest with Revalation (some truly crazy ass shit) tacked on at the end.
this post was submitted on 19 Sep 2026
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My favourite thing about the Bible is that every time it's been translated the people doing the translations include they're own nonsense.
My favorite thing about the Bible is that the gospels were written by followers of the disciples, who themselves didn't know how to read or write, in Aramaic, then translated to Greek, then to Latin, then censored by the council of Nicea, then finally translated into English with the Geneva, then quickly edited by the commission of King James, because the J-Sauce was very socialist and anti-government.
And the atheists who want to quote terrible things mentioned in the bible are pulling from the Old Testament, specifically a book of law written by the King Joshua, 800 years before Jesus, and proclaim that people proclaim it to be the word of God.
So, ok: we have so many translations, literally a mass obliteration of Cathars, as well as other Inquisitions... now, you wanna tell me you know jack shit about the bible and tell me things didn't happen?
Ok. Cool, bro.
Edit: btw, the two loaves of bread and five fish story was about a 12 year old boy. Jesus didn't magic shit other than inspiration in that story. Lost in translation/Nicea/government. You may be kept hidden from the teachings, because Jesus was punk fucking rock.
And a King didn't want you to even know it! That's my point, good ol' JKV that every goddamn "scholar" quotes from.
It's all horseshit.
Thank you for attending my lecture.
you mean poopiecoin isn't cannon??
My favorite part is how well it can be used to light a fireplace. Just tear out some pages, put some wood over it and light it. Secundair use is rolling paper when you've run out.
I smoked a bible joint once, it's still a lot of paper hahs
It does not work well as toilet paper. But in a a pinch give it a try. Consider your ass warned, though.
No no no, cleaning your ass is what holy water is for. At the entrance of every church they have a bidet for that.
Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author. This can be quite removed, some books were written many years after the event, some were passed down.
A few centuries later, the Council of Nicea went through all of these texts and decided, "This is real, we can tell, we're putting this in the Bible. That... that other stuff is fake, yuck! Gross. Heresy."
They also resolved a pressing issue for the new church. "Priests, please stop cutting your balls off, that is a metaphor, not literal instruction. Even though He said that they were literal instructions, that was also a metaphor."
"Oh, just one more thing... you can't get married. No, He didn't say that, but we're inspired by the Magic Bird, so mote it be."
You probably think I'm joking.... but sadly, no.
p.s. the church pays no taxes womp womp
The celibate came in the middle ages and wasnt a law before the begin of the 20th century
My favorite bit of Christian lore is the time that predestination became a widespread belief. People cursed god and the church and sinned 30x harder, recognizing that if they did it, they were always meant to. In the absence of choice, people found hedonism not just agreeable but compulsory. Then the church solved that issue by telling people that they could actually get into heaven by paying. People got so pissed off that a sect splintered off, and I think that how we got Protestants.
Someone please tell me how many different events I erroneously mixed together.
people found hedonism not just agreeable but compulsory.
.,.
People got so pissed off that a sect splintered off, and I think that how we got Protestants.
I think something is missing or the Protestants would be Hedonists.
Then the church solved that issue by telling people that they could actually get into heaven by paying. People got so pissed off that a sect splintered off, and I think that how we got Protestants.
OP here is referring to the fact that the Catholic church was selling indulgences (basically get out of purgatory free cards), and that is what led Martin Luther to publish the Ninety-five Theses, calling them out on it. This is generally considered to be the starting point for the Protestant Reformation.
They were pissed off with the hedonism and made catholicism but with fun being illegal and salvation through wageslavery
Some of the other writings that didn't make the cut for the canonical bible are wild.
Bet a non canonical bible with only cut content is a way better book.
The Bible: Extended Cut
now with multiple endings
The book of Enoch often features in nutty ancient aliens content. Extra terrestrial beings and hand held devices and so on.
It's important context for the canonical bible. Imagine you find a bunch of scrolls in urns in a cave and it's basically an anthology of short stories from the star wars realm. You cut out the ones that just seem too crazy and the ones that contradict others, and then call the rest your special nutty history.
thats called the bible with apocrypha, and youre right its way better
edit: sry misread, dont know if you can get the apocrypha without the main bible. But the cut content is great!
Lower-case apocrypha are extra-canonical religious writings, which cover a wide range of ancient texts in Christianity.
"The Apocrypha" is applied to a specific set of books that are accepted in various configurations by the Catholic, Orthodox and Eastern churches but are rejected from the Biblical canon by many Protestant denominations. Those are the ones you can find between the Old and New Testaments in some Bibles.
It's not at all confusing.
Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author.
You mean the four authors who all wrote the same story but slightly different?
Holy spirit talking to people must have been common back then. Strange how it just stopped.
It didn't stop, we just understand it as psychosis these days.
This is 'explained' by Julian Jayne's idea of the Bicameral Mind.
So, everyone had, until 3000 years ago, schizophrenia induced by gods and were comanded by gods? That's some wild mental gymnastic he did...
βOh, just one more thingβ¦ you canβt get married. No, He didnβt say that, but weβre inspired by the Magic Bird, so mote it be.β
Didn't that one come later because certain members of the clergy were having kids and functionally turning their positions into hereditary fiefdoms?
IiRC it was more so that the Church got actual fiefdoms and wanted control so that potential priestly families wouldn't just distance themselves into secular noble houses, taking lands with them.
Fiefdoms and related duties originated from kings, so the church wanted similar parallel rights over their vassal priests.
Flagging for best-of-lemmy
Well, he didn't say you can't rape little boys...
Wait what? Really? I mean I figured. Just...it was basically like that?
He came back after getting crucified prolly told them about it then
The part where Moses writes down his own death and funeral is also pretty trippy.
I also like how John keeps saying "BTW Jesus totally liked me more than the other disciples. Beloved, even."
Makes sense
God spoke to the writers of the gospels and told them to write down the story.
I mean I have no idea why each version of the same story is different. Maybe different timelines, dimensions?
God works in mysterious ways. π€·ββοΈ
Different idiots.