Ask Lemmy

There are 10 kinds of people in this world.

• Those that know binary.
• Those that don't.
• And those that didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

EDIT:

A statistician, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe watching the building across the street. 2 people enter the building. Some time later, 3 people come back out.

• The statistician says, "Our initial count must've been off."
• The biologist replies, "I think they probably reproduced."
• The mathematician observes, "Now if exactly one person enters the building it will be empty."

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks if they all want a beer.

The first says "I don't know", the second says "I don't know", the third says "yes".

Also, pretty much all of Futurama.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, “You were going 140 km/h, were only 120 is allowed”

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, “Great! Now I’m lost!”

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”

“We do now, you bastard!” shouts Schrodinger.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

An infinite number of mathematitians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter beer, the fourth an eighth beer...

The bartender cuts them off, puts 2 beers on the counter and says "Know your limits!"

Would you like to hear a TCP joke?

I would like to hear a TCP joke.

Here is your TCP joke.

I have received your TCP joke. *laughter*.

—-

I’d tell you a UDP joke but I’m afraid you wouldn’t get it.

Does "how do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized" count? It doesn't exactly require advanced scientific knowledge or anything :p

There are two hard problems in computing:

• naming things
• cache invalidation
• off-by-one errors

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

What do you get if you combine a jellyfish and an elephant?

A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are traveling in a train through Scotland when they see a sheep on a field. "Look! Scottish Sheep are black!" Says the biologist. "Well, at least some Scottish sheep are black" Says the physicist. The mathematician clears their throat and says "We know that there's at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least half of it is black"

Three engineers are in a bar discussing which school of engineering god belongs to, the mechanical engineer goes first;

"God's a mechanical engineer, look at the bones and muscles and how they interact and move." The electrical engineer is shaking his head;

"God's an electrical engineer, look at the nervous system and how the brain is wired, that's electrical engineering." At this stage the civil engineer has a wide grin on his face;

"God's a civil engineer, who else would run a waste pipe through a recreational centre?"

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

Bartender: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here!”

A tachyon walks into the bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says, "I'll have some H2O, too."

They drink their drinks.

The second chemist dies.

Johnny was a chemist

Johnny is no more

What Johnny thought was H2O

Was H2SO4

I haven't got a joke, how about a tongue twister?

"When a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, there's a packet pocket socket racket error to report."

How many math professors does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer is trivial and the proof is left as an exercise to the reader.

My friend asked how my C programming class was going. "I'm really struggling," I replied, "I could sure use some pointers." He said, "int* x, int* y, int* z."

Leonard Susskind, on seeing yet another one of Einstein's predictions confirmed in an astronomy experiment: "They didn't call him Einstein for nothing!".

How many programmers does it need to change a light bulb?

....

...

..

.

Impossible, because that's a hardware problem.

::: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber.

Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scaler. :::

How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

The way they pronounce unionized.

What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

He works it out with a pencil!

There are two hard problems in computer programming:

1. Cache invalidation
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

Three perfect logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Y'all want something to drink?"
The first logician thinks about it and says "I don't know."
The second logician thinks about it and also says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."

Edit: aw, dang, I see deadbeef beat me to this one... by 4 hours.

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "3 beers?"

The first one responds: "I don't know"

The second one responds: "I don't know"

The last one responds: "Yes, please!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer,” the second says “I’ll have half a beer,” the third says “I’ll have a quarter of a beer,” and, before the fourth mathematician can speak, the bartender says, “I see what’s going on here,” then pours two beers.

Is Psychiatry still a science?

• How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
• 2. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother...I mean the LADDER!

A Linux Mint User, an Arch Linux User, and a Gentoo Linux User walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they'd like. The Linux Mint User asks for an IPA, the Arch Linux User asks for hops, barley, water, and some instructions. The Gentoo Linux User asks for a manual on how to first make the universe.

Hey, does the name 'Pavlov' ring a bell?

So this atom returns to the pub begging the bartender and the patrons "Oh, good golly! I've lost one of my here electrons! Has anyone seen it?!"

The owner says. "No one has reported anything. Are you sure you've lost it?"

To which the atom replied, "Yes! I'm positive!"

.....

The next day...

Having a pint, the bartender sees the atom from yesterday and calls the ion up to the bar and says "Just yesterday, you say you lost an electron. Well we found it and here it is." Rolling it across the bar. The atom, now very happy says "Yeah! That's the one! Amazing! Thank you! What can I do to repay you?!"

The bartender, with a sly wink, says "No charge."

There are 10 types of people.

Those that understand binary and those that dont.

There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary and those who don't.

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staying in neighboring rooms at a hotel for a conference.

In the middle of the night, a faulty outlet sparks a fire in the hallway. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, fills the ice bucket up with water and uses it to extinguish the fire. He goes back to bed satisfied.

A bit later, another fire breaks out. This time, the engineer wakes up, sees the fire, does a quick calculation and fills his ice bucket 3/4 full. He just barely extinguishes the fire, and goes back to bed satisfied.

Later yet, the fire starts again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, sees the ice bucket, announces "A solution exists!" and goes back to bed satisfied.

There are 10 types of people in this world.

--

--

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

Pull down their genes

There are two kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete

Let Epsilon be so small that Epsilon half is already negative.

this video

I dont care that its technically not a joke