In terms of the listening part, my wife is like this. We found out a few years ago that she has ADD. She doesn’t do it intentionally but I do get frustrated sometimes. It’s just her brain going a million miles an hour.
this post was submitted on 05 Nov 2026
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She sounds like someone who doesn't know how to deal with negative emotions. My bf is like this. He wants to make me laugh to cheer me up when I'm sad or depressed. He'll just change the subject or make jokes when I talk about serious thihgs.
Show her this post and ask her to reflect on whether she observes the same things as you do. Sounds like you are coping in different ways - she might think distractions work, whereas you seem to want to dive into and analyze tough situations. Hopefully she can see what she's doing and how it affects you, and work on making the relationship better
Often when people ask for advice like you are doing it comes down to "tell them what you told me just now."
In this case it seems like she doesn't listen, and/or care enough.
If you are trying in earnest, and it is reciprocated then there is room for growth. If it isn't then they are not supporting you, and you should seriously and decisively consider going separate ways.
You can like each other, you can enjoy each other's company, you can be in love, yet still it be wrong for a relationship.
The girlfriend sounds really childish. To the point I’m wondering if these are very young people, like early teens. If so it isn’t that that don’t care, it’s that they’re very immature and don’t know how to deal with anything uncomfortable and just shove it out of the way and move on to what they can easily distract themselves with.
If this person is an adult, I’m very concerned about their maturity level, becuase it sounds really stunted.
15 and 16, high school
Do not base your next step on advise from the Internet! Talk to people you trust! Your love is young and you both will make a lot of mistakes and thats ok. Give the talking part of the relationship more time. Stay kind and fair to her and yourself. Be ready to learn. If you want to work for the relationship, work. If you dont, be honest about it.
You presume they have someone they trust. Many of us didn't at that age, or at all
There are social workers all around the world and of course not every single one of them is great but many are.
Social workers existing does not mean people have people they trust. What are you trying to say?
Those people are trained to support people in any situation and are inclined to be trustworthy by their professional ethics.
Its their job to help people in this situations.
You're doing well by being open enough to ask and learn.
You're gonna make some mistakes, and you're also gonna be right and prove the world wrong sometimes.
Break up, be nice about it and tell her why. You kids are in highschool, you'll both learn, grow, and date other people. Might be uncomfortable for a while but that's how it is.
Ultimately you need to do what's best for you.
Thanks :)
Married here - if it’s this bad now, you might want to consider how inconsiderate she might be when she’s going through her own shit and really really is in pain herself and it gets worse than this. Is that something you can handle? If not, I’d think twice about marriage. Be really sure about how someone handles their worst moments and how they’ll treat you in those moments before you decide it anchor yourself and yours lives permanently.
If you think she’s worth it, it’s time for couples therapy. They are there for exactly this type of thing.
OP is a teenager. Frankly I think they should have been explicit about that from the start, because the advice is going to be a lot different than for adults. I don't think it's healthy for teenagers to rely on romantic partners for mental health support. At that age, neither person actually knows how to provide that. And teen couples therapy would just be... weird. All of this sounds way too serious for 15.
OP, please consider that these are two separate problems. Get therapy for your depression, then decide what you want out of the relationship. At this age, it's unrealistic to expect your girlfriend to change to meet your emotional needs. Statistically, this will probably not be the person you will marry (anecdotally, all the couples I know who got together this young are not together ten years later). If it feels like the relationship is worsening your mental health, you may be better off without it.
I think there’s a ton of solid advice in here - but I also am realistic in the fact that teenagers get pregnant every minute of every day, so what should be experimenting and getting to know what you like, having less serious fun can turn into a family and marriage with one night of less careful fun, or a broken condom, or bad luck with being the 2 percent that even both being on birth control still doesn’t do the intended job. It’s best to not just assume it’s always something you can treat as just youthful fun, experience, testing the waters. Treat your partners with a seriousness that is deserved because they might be in your lives longer than you intend.
Exactly. Having your needs unfulfilled in a relationship drains your love tank.
When the person who has been draining your love tank suddenly needs a fill-up and finds out you are empty, then disaster is the only possible outcome.
It's easy to care for someone when you have reserves.
But if she consistently demonstrates that she is not going to fill your love tank, then even if you care for her, it's better to let her go, because otherwise at some point, something is going to happen, and it's going to be far worse for the both of you.
Having your needs unfulfilled in a relationship drains your love tank.
I know this is advice for OP, but thank you for putting it so clearly. I needed to hear this too
And I hope it helps someone else as well
Sounds like that’s one hell of a one-way street, paved with nothing but red flags at every intersection.
She laughed at your PTSD diagnosis? That’s unhinged.
That's a teenager who doesn't know how to deal.
Then she's not anywhere near sweet. She's toxic.
There's a lot of negativity in this thread that I don't think is entirely warrented. It sounds like you're both still very young and you haven't been dating for more than a few months. It's alright to just have a fun, shallow relationship for a while and then move on, especially at your age. That doesn't make you a terrible person.
If you want your relationship to last beyond the first few months, though, when you're both still in love, you'll have to develop some sort of emotional connection beyond just fancying eachother.
The way I see it you have two options. The first is you enjoy the relationship for as long as you do. You get your emotional support somewhere else. When the initial attraction wears of you break up.
But if you want a serious long-term relationship, you'll have to address this issue. You could try telling her how you feel the next time she changes the subject. Tell her you need to work through these negative emotions, and it'd be nice if she tried to listen and/or comfort you.
Or perhaps next time she's feeling insecure and needs to be told she's not stupid and ugly, you change the subject and show her some funny videos. See how she likes it! This is arguably a bit passive aggressive and immature, but it does sound like empathy isn't her strongest point. It might help her understand if she experiences things from your point of view. Depending on how she responds, you could then address the matter in a more direct fashion.
Thank you :)
I'm glad if any of that was helpful. Good luck, have fun, don't die!
There could be a variety of reasons for this behavior...
- She is uncomfortable because she doesn't know how to comfort you
- She is avoiding her own trauma triggers
- She is ADHD or Autistic and doesn't understand what's expected of her in those moments
- She is not looking for a partner and only wants a relationship that's "fun"
- She is callous and doesn't care to put in the effort to support a partner
But here's the thing... the root cause is not important (yet)
If your partner is unwilling or unable to support you, that's not a good partner for you. That doesn't make her a bad person necessarily...she may not be capable of dealing with everything you're going through. But even if that's the case then she still might not be the right partner for you.
I recommend trying to get her to focus on you before having your next conversation about this. Don't start talking about the problem until her phone is away and she's making eye contact. Don't do it over text.
If that goes okay, then tell her what you need. Don't sugar coat it or be vague. Tell her directly "when I say this particular please it means I'm looking to you for support and I need you to lock in, listen to where I'm saying, and engage with me as a supportive partner."
If she can't do that much, then it is probably time to move on. And if she listens and ignores you...it's probably time to move one.
Communication is hard. And it's the most important thing in relationships.
Good luck!
EDIT TO ADD: As someone else said, she also can't be your therapist. Especially not at your ages. That doesn't mean she can't listen and provide comfort though. It's important to manage your expectations - she's not going to be able to give you advice or help you solve these issues - but it is not unreasonable to expect that she gives you her undivided attention when you are vulnerable
I completely agree with that. I don't want her to give me advice, I just want her to listen, I should add.
It sounds like she's only in it for the good times and doesn't want to face reality. With that in mind, you need to consider how compatible that makes you two overall.
Is this your ex from two months ago https://lemmy.world/post/51270212 and are you still questioning your sightness?
I see you struggling a lot from your posts but I'm not sure anyone here can give you the indepth professional help you might need. We're just strangers on the internet. It's easier to ask than a bunch of strangers at the shop, but not much better the offering advice.
Also given asking about if your 14yr old sisters friend is the arsehole puts you around tha age, for multiple reasons. Things will get better as you become an adult, but you do need to seek better trained support.
Thanks. Different partner, my current gf is recent, and I’m 16 but yeah.
It sounds like the two of you have different coping strategies for trauma and that those two coping strategies are incompatible. You can't make her do anything. Either she can be there for you the way you need her to, or she can't.
I agree, TYSM
I would add some depth to this take. How long have you known each others? It might be that she is trying to lighten the mood and, in a misplaced effort to make you happy, strikes the wrong note. This is a crappy excuse an only works if you have been dating very shortly (a couple of months max) and only if, when pointed out, she makes obvious attempts at redirecting. I would not go as far as couples counseling, not worth it if she can’t see the problem and fix it herself.
You're 16...a 14 year old is not going to be able to provide mental health support for you. You need actual help. You're expecting something from someone still developing mentally. You as well. Go get the help you need and try not lay your mental health on others. There is being supportive and then there is expecting others to be your therapist...guess which one people don't really want to do.
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Look man. I wish I knew you in real life. We could discuss this type of thing. Honestly even then its hard to give advice as all the consequences of such advice falls on you and your life but that is just even more the case when we are just randos on the internet to each other. Im sorry.
Next!
People are like busses - there'll be another one in a few minutes. And maybe that one will be going the same direction
(Paraphrased what a grandparent told me as a teen).
This person does not care about you. A lot of people in relationships don't care about their partners. You will be a lot happier alone than with a person who is nothing but an emotional drain on your life.
Yikes, is she 14 or something? The brainrot is horrible out there. I cannot Imagine how much it sucks being young now.
Could also be she has no idea how to actually deal with trauma so just sends laugh emojis to avoid awkwardness. Have you ever had a date or hangout without phones / screens ? Would they even be able to survive that ?
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I had a partner very similar to this. I'm sorry but my advice is to gtfo. My last straw was receiving selfies asking how he looked as I watched my aunt dying of cancer.
This person is either a narcissist or emotionally immature, and neither are favourable traits that can be "fixed" in any way externally.
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Does she avoid all negative emotions like that or just yours? Because if she does, those negative emotions are going to catch up with her in a major way eventually.
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This sounds a lot like an ex GF of mine and breaking up with her was a very good decision.
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