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37 year old man here.
I have one single rule that has guided me into being a functional adult, and that is:
To be an adult, you have to understand when it is appropriate to be childish.
This covers a shit load of stuff.
You need to understand what...
..."childish" means
..."appropriate" means
... it means to apply these concepts in real life.
I started to really feel I was doing alright in my late twenties. Got less selfish, learned to accept my flaws, own my mistakes and be less of a dick. I learned to just bluntly admit that I don’t know certain things. Got even less competitive. And started to enjoy just listening to people. Worked wonders for my self-esteem. And it made me A LOT more likeable to be around.
After going to therapy and taking medication for my depression, I was able to clear my mind enough to take improving myself seriously. What I did was:
Realize that, in reality, the vast majority of people don't give a damn about you, in the sense that only the weirdest and most annoying ones are going to judge you or look down on you; the rest generally won't care, and that's liberating.
Being more honest with myself, doing what I really want to do, and not feeling sorry or ashamed for saying no and setting boundaries.
Helping those around me when I see the opportunity. I used to see myself as useless, but now that I actively seek to help others and realize that it's not something others usually do, I feel better about myself.
Set and achieve goals. I am currently in the process of building my first Gaming PC and have been gathering the parts little by little, which has given me a great sense of accomplishment and makes me believe that I can achieve greater things.
Accept what I cannot change on my own and not let misfortunes get me down. Just as good times end, so do bad times.
Take responsibility for my mistakes, my screw-ups, and my prejudices. Analyze them and see what I can change, how to change it, and how I can make amends for any damage I have caused, even if it was not with bad intentions.
Stay true to my ideals and principles.
Never stop dreaming of a better and different future, and work little by little to achieve it. Pessimism only seems mature when you are 12 or 15 years old and know nothing about life. Life is beautiful, and the future is full of possibilities.
that you feel helped you transition into adulthood
It felt like nothing and nobody helped. It just happened, and it took awfully long.
You talk about being fully functional and then about being isolated. Which is it? What are you really asking about?
The feeling of isolation is something that I have experienced throughout life. I can only attribute it to the norm that men should not talk about their woes, lest they be seen as weak.
My upbringing was a bit different, as my brother and I never had male role models growing up and we were never encouraged to confirm to those norms.
For me personally, the feeling of isolation occured and eventually compounded after the birth of our son. I did not cope well with the lack of sleep and the immediate loss of personal space and time. I felt like my feelings and experiences could never compare to what my wife was going through, and I had no right to complain. This led me to nearly a decade of depression, to the detriment of my wife and son both.
What has helped me over time, is the acknowledgement that my feelings and experiences are valid, and I don't need to compare them to others.
Mainly self-delusion 😌
Hard work. Stopped relying on other people to do shit I should do myself. Died a couple of times. Stopped giving a fuck about what other people think.
Never be afraid to ask questions.
Learn from your mistakes, but it's a lot easier to learn from others mistakes.
To me, masculinity means integrity, honesty, and decency.
Articulate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Also understand your boundaries.
I've worked with a ton of working class guys who seem rugged on the outside. Most are reasonable and respond well to kindness and inquisitiveness.
Learn to ask inquisitive questions about someone's life, and they'll respond well and open up easily.
It's easier to focus on what's practical rather than getting mired in abstractions.
Just a few things off the tip of my brow.
Therapy
I'd like to add: therapy with a therapist that gets you. It's ok (I dare say normal) to swap therapists a few times.
You're not obligated to listen to a stoic when you are trying to process some trauma.
For me it was separating those two things. Person is the type, man is subtype. Nothing in the subtype will change the type but any change in the type will impact the subtype. Find out what makes you a happy person and you'll by default be a happy man.
Keep trying, take responsibility for failures and learn from them, be honest in everything, mature at least one skill to be valuable to your community, find those that need help and help them with mentorship and love, be patient (with yourself)
A job that feels reasonable meaningful was probably the biggest game changer for me
You keep going at it. You try to make yourself a better person, bit by bit, and forgive yourself for your mistakes. You work to understand your own neurosis and patterns of emotion and find ways to work on them. I still feel dysfunctional sometimes, but it's a pattern that I've learned not to fall into fully.
Hmm. I think you mean 'go from feeling like a teen/kid into feeling like a normal adult'? When I was in my first job out of uni, I was the youngest on my team, and definitely felt it. I slowly progressed over a few years into being one of the ones to do the documentation and training, and felt pretty ok.
When that healthcare company was taken over by a for-profit shitshow and I had to jump ship, I applied for a lot of junior roles at various places. I got several calls, but the company that hired me was the one that offered me the senior position/lead instead. That made me realize "Oh, I guess I do know what I'm doing".
When I was heading up that group, I got a lot of management offers and when I finally departed to do consulting, it was because I had an appreciation for my professional worth. I did eventually leave that field because I just can't handle doing defense shit anymore, and that's really where the money is, but I still do ok.
My personal sense of 'not feeling like a kid' was probably when I started volunteering in my community, and doing a lot more to help the folks who needed it. When you develop strong friendships in the community that persist through things like illness and major life events, you have progressed beyond the whole 'drinking buddy' stage of friends.
On the fulfilling community aspect, I found that at my Unitarian Universalist (UU) church. UU's don't believe in a shared religious text, instead they have a core set of shared values. My church has people who identify as atheist, Christian, several types of pagan, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, etc. We celebrate religious holidays from all of them as well as secular holidays like Trans Day of Visibility and Earth day. The focus is on being together and trying to make the world a better place. I also really like the music program. There's a handy website to find a congregation near you, many stream services on Zoom so you can test them out before going in person.
Hey thanks for this. I think I'll. Check one out on Sunday
You're welcome!
Antidepressants
Spending copious amounts of time thinking while out hunting or fishing.
By having a massive schlong
People with one rarely feel the need to assert such.
Paying off debt and getting a stack of cash.
Being able to take care of people.
In that order.
But then you still realize how the entire thing is a house of cards. And you are still a peasant, with a few extra lives.
But that's about as good as it gets for the working people.
The only real solution is quit being poor and that's pretty much unreachable for like 80% of population.
