this post was submitted on 01 Oct 2025
285 points (96.7% liked)

Not The Onion

18430 readers
1542 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 46 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Lucky_777@lemmy.world 109 points 3 weeks ago (5 children)

Republicans man. So concerned about others bedroom activities. They need to get laid more.

[–] Tempus_Fugit@midwest.social 56 points 3 weeks ago

I hope they never get laid again until it's in the ground.

[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 29 points 3 weeks ago

~~They need to get laid more.~~

They need to go fuck themselves.

[–] Steve@startrek.website 14 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] Revan343@lemmy.ca 10 points 3 weeks ago

I was thinking pallbearers

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 5 points 3 weeks ago

That's why they are so sex obsessed, because they are sexually frustrated from repressed urges of being Republican. The American Dad episode of stan finally unleases his urges due to his conservative nature is what I picture Republicans kinks are

[–] desmosthenes@lemmy.world 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

machismo is king in their culture

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 3 points 3 weeks ago

That's why latin men identify with Republicans so much, they are all machismo culture

[–] PodPerson@lemmy.zip 78 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] jedibob5@lemmy.world 53 points 3 weeks ago (4 children)

Man, why did we stop doing the whole "calling Republicans weird" thing? It was really starting to get under their skins, especially when major Dems like Walz and such got in on it, but then it just kinda fizzled out...

[–] SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 32 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Harris and Waltz were told to stop doing it by the DNC because they were gonna win.

You can literally chart the rise and fall of their campaign by that one phone call where the DNC leadership told her to pivot to "vote for us or you hate democracy, and gaslighting Americans about the economy"

[–] ThePantser@sh.itjust.works 18 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Because it was getting to them DURING an election. Now they (pubeucans) are in charge all the Dems are cowering in fear. Only Burnie has the balls to say shit to their faces.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Dems don't want to ruffle the feathers, especially the old guard who are in cahoots with some of the gop, I'm betting the it came from their donors

[–] possumparty@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago

Because Hakeem Jeffries started bellyaching about fucking decorum like that was ever something that mattered.

[–] PodPerson@lemmy.zip 4 points 3 weeks ago

Dunno, but agree that it was clearly melting their delicate snowflake sensibilities. I think we should bring it back.

[–] kittenzrulz123@lemmy.blahaj.zone 35 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I genuenly cannot give a fuck about the sex life of a Trump

[–] Cheems@lemmy.world 4 points 3 weeks ago

The only don't ask don't tell policy I can support.

[–] Psythik@lemmy.world 32 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

How the fuck is he 19 already? He hadn't even hit puberty yet last time I checked.

Why did time just start flying by after COVID started, and never slowed back down? I'm only in my 30s, but I feel like my life is already more than halfway over. My body feels the same too. The first 30 years of my life lasted forever, but ever since lockdown, a year now feels like a month. Hell, my 30s barely started, and now they're almost over already, after what feels like less than a year of being 30.

I mean I'm just now starting my life. Finally got a decent job and a house after years of trying, and I already feel too old to accomplish anything more. This is bullshit.

[–] LucidNightmare@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 3 weeks ago

I'm butchering this, I'm sure, but. As you grow older, time seems to fly by faster because your brain is basically culling similar experiences. That commute to work, that is practically the same 90% of the time, isn't interesting to your brain for it to "save", so that time basically disappears to you.

I found something that will explain it better than I can. :-P

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I also find out there's kai trump too

[–] PalmTreeIsBestTree@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago

Kai is straight up all ready grifting now.

[–] xc2215x@lemmy.world 30 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)
[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 18 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

It's actually incredibly normal for sycophants and courtiers to gossip about the future of the royal lineage.

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago

Well. That put this in perspective.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 3 weeks ago

To him it's not odd, since Jesse water is a creep himself. He essentially used the Dennis system on a female fox co-worker, slashed her and tires so she would have to get the ride from him

[–] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 28 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

1 “Haha, you know, every man’s wondering the same thing. We gotta know! But just between us, you think he gave his date big cummies? An overflowing specimen jar? Intentional ejaculation for the purpose of animal pleasure or procreation? Insemination with live, wriggling gametes?”

2 “Yes”

1 “Oh man, you’re so nasty! This is a Christian network, man!”

[–] QuoVadisHomines@sh.itjust.works 23 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

He's 19. He is barely an adult under normal circumstances. This is horrifically gross and Watters should be sacked for this.

Edit:This is when I would want Trump to call into the show. It would be great for him to ask why they were doing this on live tv.

[–] chatokun@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 points 3 weeks ago (3 children)

He joked about wanting to date Ivanka on Howard Stern. He also said the grab em by the pussy thing, but at least there he didn't know about the mic.

Either way, he wouldn't care,and might even join in.

[–] Grimy@lemmy.world 9 points 3 weeks ago

"Look, my son, Baron. He's a tremendous guy, a great guy, frankly, a winner. And he's got this tremendous energy. The best energy. He's, and I've seen the numbers, folks, believe me, he is absolutely doing more fucking than you can even believe. A lot. More than Europe. Probably more than anyone you've ever heard of."

[–] Madison420@lemmy.world 5 points 3 weeks ago

What? He knew there was a mic, he was mic'd up. He may not have known it was recording or on but he very definitely knew it was there.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 3 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

He made a similar comment to the then younger Paris Hilton too in another article

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 6 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Trump himself is a sex pest, I think he's okay with it. Plus one of his older sons has been to Epstein Island as well

[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 23 points 3 weeks ago

If my conservative mother had the brain capacity to actually process what was going on on her tv, she probably wouldn't be a conservative. She snaps at me whenever I swear, but this shit is blaring on her tv constantly. If I ever comment on what's on, she has no clue what I'm talking about.

[–] frustrated_phagocytosis@fedia.io 12 points 3 weeks ago

Hahaha South Park came to life again

[–] charade_you_are@sh.itjust.works 12 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Did that bitch just say "prima-Donald" and then say "no (bad) pun intended"? I'm a little high on weed so maybe I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure that's what that dumb Fox bitch just said.

[–] UltraMagnus0001@lemmy.world 11 points 3 weeks ago

He looks like Draco Malfoy

[–] Dorkyd68@lemmy.world 10 points 3 weeks ago

These people are out of their fucking minds. He has game because his dad is a billionaire dictator. Girls probably afraid that if she doesn't put out that she'll wind up like one of his dad's victims. If he weren't rich dude wouldn't pulling anything, bro out here looking like a vampire

[–] MuskyMelon@lemmy.world 9 points 3 weeks ago

FOX calls it sex, we call it SA...

[–] NatakuNox@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago
[–] maxxadrenaline@lemmy.world 5 points 3 weeks ago

how weird to fuck someone with bulletproof armor on

[–] quick_snail@feddit.nl 5 points 3 weeks ago

IS HE FUCKING SATAN?

[–] railway692@piefed.zip 4 points 3 weeks ago
[–] njm1314@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

What kind of a creepy sex shit you think Watters is going to be into? I mean look at that fucking face. He's a sick pervert. You could just tell. Be a miracle if he's not a pedophile. But even if he's not it's going to be something weird. That's a sick fuck face if I've ever seen one. What do you think it's going to be?

[–] Lodespawn@aussie.zone 1 points 3 weeks ago

Given he looks like a ventriloquist puppet I assume he has an actual ventriloquist puppet of himself that he fucks while fisting himself

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 3 weeks ago

Waters himself is pretty much a creep too, he used the DEnnis system against a girl once

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago

Nothing odd about speculating, having a laugh on the down-low, but FFS, this is America's most popular news outlet. This is the sort of thing a late night host could be making jokes about.