Ask Lemmy

Tell her to talk to a therapist about dealing with her anxiety. Then walk away as it sounds like you're mostly interested in getting laid. The old "don't fuck crazy people" comes into play here. There's plenty of other people out there you can sleep with without these headaches.

If all you want is a one night stand, this kinda does sound like you're leading her on. It feels a bit dishonest to be talking with her for an extended period of time and getting to know her if you just want a hookup, not even a friendship.

In this situation all you can be is honest, but in the future I'd take a look at how you're interacting with people.

As a woman who's been that down: IMHO you can just empathize, but admit you don't have the capacity to deal with her needs. That you wish her well, but for your own mental health, you can't be her rock. She may well know she has trust and relationship issues, and is telling you for the very reason that she wants you to walk away now if you can't cope, rather than break her heart later.

Of course it's also possible she's has a personality disorder, rather than "just" depression, anxiety and trauma. So don't let yourself be guilted back.

In any case, for both your sakes, and I hope this does not need saying: No sex.

Edit: Based on your responses you're barely acquaintances. No action necessary, just let it drop.

Here's an enormous life lesson that took me decades to learn: you cannot take responsibility for anyone else's happiness. If she is truly a danger to herself, this is usually mandatory reporting territory depending on your local laws. Act accordingly.

If you're suddenly feeling your connection to humanity above and beyond getting laid, here is some basic info on what you can do: https://www.nami.org/relationships/how-to-talk-and-listen-to-someone-experiencing-suicidal-thoughts/

Run. For everyone's benefit.

If you cared for her and wanted to help it would be one thing, but that doesn't seem to be a commitment you want to make.

If something does happen to her becausw of you, that's on you for life, people will remember that shit.

Find another fuck-buddy, and move on, hopefully she does too.

But having dated a girl like this forever long ago, the longer you lie to her, about anything, the worse things get, and this looks pretty bad already.

I like her, and we also share some common ground. I am only interest in having sex with her. (I'm also not interested in any friendship).

Sort these sentences out for yourself.

You've made a throwaway account to make a thread about it and discuss.

So just as a counterpoint: Have you considered you do have interest in friendship and that's intimidating?

from what i read so far, i think you really believe that people can "like" someone with varying degrees. and i think it makes sense, for you to follow through with this belief.

maybe you can convince her with this mental framing so she doesn't feel "disliked" and wouldn't be too dejected at the thought.

i am no expert at your idea of liking and relationships, but i think it is a possible approach.

cheers!

I don't understand the mismatch, how can one be interested in a one night stand with someone who hates one night stands? Like, how did you get this far in without that coming up already?

I don't think your approach to sex is wrong, at all, nothing wrong with needing casual sex, I just don't understand how you ended up in this situation, if you don't like her in even a friendship way how did it get this far?

Be sincere and direct: I was wishing we can be something fun, but this is going in a direction where none of us could get anything good out of a relationship.

If she's feeling these anxiety issues still the best advice is to get professional support. You're not responsible for getting her into that position, and she likely will not get ahead and out of them with or without your support.

Then be honest, I guess. Not in a "brutally honest" way, tho, but in a more nuanced manner.

What common ground did you have? What led to her telling you about all this?

I don't think this is your problem but her's. If you're only interested in sex and she isn't then there's no future between you two. The best you can offer her is honesty.

I also hate people who only want sex, and no relationship at all.

Nevertheless, that person is very manipulative, and a relationship could create endless trouble. So my recommendation is to run fast and far.

Read about the "double bind" tactic:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

At the end of the day, you're either going to sacrifice yourself for her happiness or you won't. And to be honest it's much more likely you won't and shouldn't; if you try you'd both be miserable. Whether or not she does it is entirely outside your control - even if she actively blames you, it's her choice to make.

The most important thing is to be kind; I think you have to tailor that to the person so I don't know if I can help with the phrasing, but maybe along the lines of how you have to work on yourself.

Also remember to leave if it starts to go circular.

I've said what I felt I needed to say, and I'm not sure further discussion will be productive

sort of thing. I'm sorry you're in this spot bud, it's a tough one, but no matter what happens it's not your fault.