Asklemmy

Same dude.
I'm a bit younger, married have a baby and some money on my savings account. But we currently live off my wives income, pay rent and lots of it. The appartment is barely adequate but we're still stretching our means right now, because I can't keep a job. After spending a decade to get a college degree and another decade in which I only managed to be employed for less than 3 years, I don't feel like an adult who is in control of their life.

I still feel like the teenager I used to be, just with more experiences, more responsibility and less support.

Meanwhile, most of my friends are raising their families in their own houses, or those who spent time in academia to get a PhD are building one.

But to be honest, I feel like most people work on the same dynamics they learned as teenagers or young twens and are just larping being an adult.
They just do so, with a lot more self-confidence, than I can muster. I suppose it's easier to build that, when you're either raised with a lot more privilege or when you attach your self-worth to the status symbols you can afford with a solid income.

Or maybe that's just my loser's perspective, idk.

Regarding your situation: Yeah, you probably shouldve taken care of your savings a bit better. And your co-workers have the advantage of having made their investments earlier. The best time to invest is always 50 years ago or something. The second best time is always NOW!

I suggest you tackle the topic of your finances sooner than later.

The main issue is, that you have to know what the goals are, that you're investing money for. Every strategy will have to reflect that.

And you can struggle feeling like an adult a lot more comfortably, when you don't have to worry about the future so much.

If you have 100k saved in liquid cash, you definitely need to be investing that in broad scale index funds. Keeping it liquid means inflation is going to be eating away at your money over time, which is really not good. The whole market is pretty out of balance due to AI, but it's better to get in now rather than trying to wait and see. You have time to recover from market crashes, just don't panic sell if the market crashes.

If financial stuff isn't your thing, you can also save for retirement in prefabbed vehicles called Target-Date Funds. These are kinda annoying as they have a decent amount of fees, but you basically set a retirement goal date, and they will automatically rebalance more and more conservatively over time. However, you are at a bit of a disadvantage if you start at 43. I'd recommend saving aggressively if you can afford to.

Renting vs buying is always a thing, and it highly depends where you live. Having money for a down payment is good, but I'd consider what 100k invested right now would do for you until you are 80 vs what a house would do for you instead. 40 years of interest could be better than a significant debt load, even with several market crashes.

Fwiw, if you don't have a spouse or kids, I don't really see much value in a house. Rent a cheap one bed and laugh all the way to the bank when a water pipe breaks and you don't have to cover 75k in water damage.

Most of the indicators you're talking about are, in my opinion, superficial markers of adulthood. Do you show up for the people you care about? Do you fulfill your commitments? Do you look for opportunities to grow and improve? Do you do the hard thing you need to do instead of the easy thing?

These are the traits that make you an adult, not how many kids you have or whether you own or rent housing. You can have 10 kids or none and still be an adult. You can own, rent, or live in your parents' basement and still be an adult. You can't be making promises you don't keep or always taking the easy way out and be an adult. Those other things are all vanity metrics.

You probably need to figure out what do you want. There is nothing wrong to be alone, not have family or kids. Unless it bothers you. There is nothing wrong to rent a home. Unless it bothers you. Figure out what you want, how the future in which you want to leave looks like. If you can't, maybe talking to a psychologist worth a try - decide what problem you are trying to solve, book a few sessions, see if that moves you towards your better self.

Financially, I agree with many on this thread - keeping all $100k on a savings account is one of the worst things to do with your money. Keep a couple of months of expenses on savings, put the rest to work. CDs are mostly safe, and help offset the inflation. Buying home isn't a bad option, and if it's just a place for you to live, don't consider it an investment depends on location, but you'll likely save on monthly payments vs rent.

Once you figure out what you want from your life, talk to a financial advisor to set realistic financial goals and decide on home purchase or investments.

You don't sound atypical to me. The millennial generation is buying houses later and starting families later, or not able or willing to do either one. $100k in the bank is doing far better than most your age. At least in the US, something like 50% of people are living paycheck to paycheck, and wouldn't be able to pay a $1000 emergency expense.

Don't take this as financial advice, but it seems there is evidence that all the housing speculation is nearing an end. There is a lot of supply that is currently just being sat on by companies who are hoping demand catches up again. But we're starting to see a rise in foreclosure rates, and it's suspected to go up through the year.

Many people in their 30s-40s have instead been spending their money on things like pokemon and sports betting. I recommend going to your bank or credit union and just putting the money in some kind of high yield savings account for now. Again, not financial advice, but I would not buy a house right now.

The potential exception would be if trump deliberately triggers mass inflation in an attempt to "offset" a market collapse. In which case...I don't know how it shakes out in the end, but it can't be good for anyone holding USD...

they are married, some with children, own their own condos, houses, or are paying a mortgage, but can still live a normal life, own a car, some even have the luxury of not having to work 40 hours a week, but 32 because they don't need to work more, house already paid, family and life objectives achieved.

Do you actually want these things as well or do you just feel inferior when comparing your life to theirs?

You have more money stashed than the majority of people in the US. You could do practically anything you wanted to with enough conviction and a steady job and that much in savings.

The only person you should be comparing yourself to is your past self. Life isn't a competition, you're meant to find joy within it. That's where I would start if I were you.

Bro I’m your age exactly and have less than a 1/10 of your savings, the world is your oyster with that kinda nest egg

Have kids and getting married doesn’t make you any more mature or your life fulfilling than not having them. Anyone can have kids as long as they are biologically able to. The question is are you willing to sacrifice your life to raise them and provide for them? It’s a life-long responsibility that has no return policy!

As for your investments, you should put that 100k from least to most conservative either in an S&P 500, target date fund, or HYSA. You’re literally losing money by just keeping it in the bank cause of inflation.

what i told you being an adult is an arbitrary and made up distinction and nobody ever actually grows up and literally every single person you have ever seen is to some degree faking it until they make it

You are scared of the unknown. Get on the internets and download a mortgage/home ownership spreadsheet. Then you can see how much house/condo you can afford, and when you are ahead from renting.

You are doing better than most with 100k in the bank. I wouldn't sweat it much.

First just take that 100k of rainy day funds and get it into a high yield savings account at like 3-4% APY - that should at least give some solace that it’s not evaporating at the rate of inflation.

I'm older than you and unmarried, no kids, renting. I don't feel like a kid, though. I feel old. I understand being scared of retiring without enough, but if you can find a small house in good condition at a reasonable price, I think it would be okay to take on a mortgage with as much as you've saved. You shouldn't ask your dad for financial help, though, IMO. Money complicates relationships. Don't add feeling beholden to feeling unloved.

A lot of people spend a lot of time on an extrinsic search for intrinsic meaning. There isn't one. The value and meaning of your life can only be self-determined. That feels impossibly heavy at first, but as you come to embrace it, there is an incredible freedom in it. If there is any determinant of adulthood, that's it - to be self-defined. To that end, there are no "rules" about what your life must look like - marriage, kids, home ownership, whatever else are all options, but not compulsory. It's up to you to determine what it is that you actually want.

The other marker of adulthood, I think, is to have come to terms with your childhood. It sounds like you think your father was given advantages that he hasn't seen fit to pass on to you, and you understandably have some feelings about it. Family of origin issues can really cloud your mind until you sort through and come to terms with them. Talking to a therapist about it (or bar that, reading some books on the subject) could be of some value. A lot of people go through their lives reenacting patterns they observed in their parents or projecting their unmet needs from childhood onto others, to their own detriment. This is work that you have to do yourself; no one can "fix" you.

Comparison will not get you anywhere. Consider who you want to be, and then start taking steps in that direction. Once you have set out on that journey, you may encounter others on their own journeys or you may not, but you won't have your self-worth riding on the outcome.

As someone with far less and fully satisfied, there is truly no standard. The idea of always wanting or needing more is something that is pushed upon us at a massive societal level. If you have the things you truly need, you can work towards things you want, and if you have the things you want, congrats. You’re there. It is an option to feel like you need more than what you have once your essentials are met. No one other than yourself actually cares if you’re ambitious and if you don’t get satisfaction from the ambition to pursue more, then don’t.

Hey Grok, define "midlife crisis of the mainstream male"

scnr, please go to therapy! You deserve to be happy.

Daaamn, you have a hundred grand?

I’m almost 41 and you’re doing better than I am!

The difference between you an a teenager is 20something years of life experience. Don't infantalise yourself

Just turned 47. Divorced 15 years. Still single. I often feel the same way. Buying a house now in this market is insanity. Hopefully, real estate should crash again at some point.

Getting married and having kids really really sucks. This horrific world is going to ruin my children. I am not rich enough to protect them.

I am terrified. I should never have thought I could do this. The worst part is, I knew better.

Don't do it. The rulers don't deserve your children.

If you do get married, marry someone you trust with your very life itself, and don't have kids.

Unless you are very rich and already own a lot of shit. Then do what you want.

I just want to second the comment here about a high yield savings account, or even a CD. They're both low/no risk investments. If the money you have is just sitting there you might as well be getting interest on it and a high yield savings, or a CD, aren't exposed to the market so you can only lose if the bank shuts down and the FDIC can't reimburse you, but if that happens we all have much bigger issues to worry about lol

I'm in a much worse situation than you, also at 40, so I definitely feel your pain here. Single, renting a garage "apartment," working a shitty dead end factory job, and no inheritance to ever expect to receive. I too don't feel like a real adult, but a failure of a human. So you're not alone there for sure.

You are doing very well. I got married at 42. It's the only time I've been married and was the worst mistake I've ever made. I love my spouse very much, but it was still a very big mistake. Don't envy those people. Being lonely is still easier, and kids suck. Go get married and see how fast you save money then. You'll be fucked.

You have more than enough money to put a down payment on a mortgage for a house. Do it.

Don't imagine that you should wait until you get married, get the house for yourself, because you're right, it's an important investment, and you're just throwing your money away on rent. It's surprising you haven't bought a house yet.

Yes, you sound entitled. I was embarrassed that I had to borrow the down payment for my house from my dad, I never expected him to buy me a damn house, even though he could have just done so outright. I never felt "unloved", quite the opposite. He raised me to stand on my own feet, and now that he's gone, I'm grateful to him for doing so.

Having said all that, house prices are ridiculous right now, but are starting to crash in some markets, I'd wait no more than year to see what happens. Use that time to plan, instead of whining.