Your "the only way" argument is literally how they are all sold. Maybe do even the lightest bit of research before declaring you have no option but to continue doing the worst thing possible?
"We've done nothing and we're all out of ideas!"
Edit: Reading this back I was kind of mean. Obviously you're entitled to your own preferences, but bidets have solved most of those problems already and are definitely worth checking out.
I use a Toto Washlet C2. I live in an old apartment that only has the classic "round" styled seats (to save space), and this works with that.
Couldn't recommend it more. Has a self wash, but I still wash it every couple of months by hand.
No dirtier than a normal toilet, and the premist functionality reduces stickage and the amount I need to clean.
No need to get an ultra fancy toilet, and this model (the c2) has all the fancy features at a relatively low price (no detachable remote, no profiles, no instant water heater) (I don't think any of those are worth the extra cost).