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But why do you want it all without normal processes?
You say you are the most normal American. So the normal way is the way for you.
You're missing the point. Plenty of Americans do have ancestry that allows them to claim citizenship (and therefore easily immigrate) somewhere or another, so the first thing an American trying to immigrate will be told is to check for that. Making it clear they can't do that is important so they can get advice they can actually use.
That's not what they said. You ignored the beginning of the sentence.
Its because their concept of immigration is sitting in Mexico waiting for 20 years to be allowed into the US finally.
And because of American Exceptionalism, they expect to be an exception.
That and within the US, there are loopholes and gotchas you can use to get a visa faster.
I read this as "We'd have to go through a lengthy bureaucratic process since we do not have citizenship claims anywhere else, so given this fact, how should we go about moving abroad?"