memes

holy shit the Amazon listing for this is amazing:

CONSISTENTLY PERFECT TOAST – Get consistently perfect results with toasting algorithms for dozens of bread types. Sensors adjust in real time to toast bread, bagels, waffles, and more exactly how you want them. Extra‑wide slots fit thick slices and bagels with ease.

This is called a "darkness" setting. All this does is control the amount of heat put out. Your toaster already has one because this is usually done with a resistor and a thermostat and requires very little if any rare earth minerals.

FASTER & TASTIER – New InstaGLO 2.0 is the only heating technology that reaches full heat in just 2 seconds. It sears the outside to lock in flavor and prevent drying out. Your bread will get crispy on the outside, yet stay soft and delicious on the inside. It’s like searing a steak, but for bread.

New InstaGLO 2.0 is the only heating technology that reaches full heat in just 2 seconds.

This is just how resistance wires work. Your regular toaster also gets to full heat in 2 seconds. If it's anything at all, they're just varying the amount of power going into the resistance wires differently.

It’s like searing a steak, but for bread.

C'mon man, we all know that's two different things here.

JUST 3 TAPS – Get perfect results with just 3 taps. Choose your bread type, browning level, and whether it’s fresh, frozen, or a reheat. The full-color touchscreen shows clear options and remembers your last setting. No trial and error. Just smart, simple toasting.

How about just throwing the bread in there?

TOASTIE PRESS (sold separately) – Make grilled cheese, paninis, and quesadillas with no butter or oil. The Toastie Press delivers crispy, melty sandwiches using just the toaster’s heat. Just tap Toastie Mode and click start. It’s easier, healthier, and dishwasher safe for easy cleaning.

SMART CONNECTIVITY – Start your day without your phone. Wi‑Fi connectivity auto‑sets your clock and shows the updated weather forecast while you make breakfast. The R180 Connect also reminds you when you need to clean your crumb tray. Dimensions: 11.6"(D) x 6.1"(W) x 8.4"(H)

Oh would you like to not use phone? Great we'll just put one in your fucking TOASTER!