this post was submitted on 08 May 2026
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This is probably not the place to share this, but to your point here's a personal story about that:
I went on a date with a guy who was a friend of a friend and I'd known casually for a while. We were at his place and hanging out. He tries to do something I didn't want and I didn't want to ruin the mood so I casually move away. He tries again and I verbally very seriously say that I don't want that. He tries again a bit later and I end up leaving. He legitimately has no idea what he did wrong. He calls and texts an apology. He's a nice guy otherwise. He asks if we can chat about it because he's confused and concerned. We do. He grew up very sheltered and literally didn't understand that no means no. I know that sounds idiotic to anyone with a normal upbringing, but it was the case. We have an extended conversation about enthusiastic consent. He apologizes again and asks if I would feel comfortable going out again at any point. We do and he acted exactly as one would hope. We dated for years with no issues afterwards. I'm sure someone will probably be thinking "he was manipulating you" or "he was worried about his reputation", but in reality he just never had someone talk to him about consent and bought into the "no means yes" bs that was popular in media when he was growing up.
If I didn't know him as well as I did, or if I was someone else, it's possible I would have been too concerned to speak up about it and he would go on never knowing that what he did was wrong. This sign would probably legitimately have helped him.
I think this is a part of why a lot of SA goes unreported. No one want to report their boyfriend because of what in a non sexual circumstance might be called a misunderstanding. If I say I don't want dessert and my BF orders me dessert anyway, I can just not eat it. That's not the case when it comes to sexual contact and people seem to struggle with that.
Thank you for sharing, that was an extremely appropriate example of exactly what I was talking about!
And I think you're absolutely right that that may be the reason a lot of SA goes unreported. Likes yes there are situations where systems of power are used to silence people, but there are also a lot of clumsy sexual interactions we had as teens that may technically be rape or sexual assault, but we were all still learning.
The boys were learning that consent is a very real concept and the girls were learning how to advocate for themselves (for the most part, of course as the opposite was also the case) . All of these were happening in tandem with systems of power making things just that much more complicated.
Yea, I think it's extremely sad that women's bodies are essentially used as a training ground for men's understanding of consent, and therefore woman have to deal with the consequences of any misunderstandings the men may have. It's also sad that a women's inability to advocate for themself may mean a man legitimately doesn't understand the harm he's causing as he's causing it. And vice versa of course.
One of the reasons I am so verbal about enthusiastic consent is because that requires both parties to understand what is needed of them. It's not just about knowing how to recognize consent, but also how to provide consent. I appreciate the nuance you added to the conversation. Sometimes the internet can be hit or miss about these things.
100% agreed. All great value-added points!