Just to start with I am not looking for anything sappy or "life is beautiful you need to wait" type things.
So it is just 6:36 am, and I am lying in bed. Its hot and humid, there is no electricity, only mosquitoes. It is just another one of those things that is making me wonder why do I live? I mean what is the point. I genuinely have no idea. I know if you "wait" things will get better. But why should I wait.
I want a guitar, I am trying to save up for it. But idk how long will it take. (If anyone wants a recommendation btw of some great song, try "odorouze" by yorushika, these days I am just listening to that on loop).
Anyway if I tell this to my parents I guess they will just say I am ungrateful; that I should be glad I have a roof over my head. I guess they are right. So many have it worse. I am ungrateful. But that doesn't make life feel any worthwhile to me. It is just the same chore always. Go to school, college whatever. Do your responsibilities, please people, sleep, wake up repeat. Get sick sometimes for a change, and of course countless daily annoyances. From the bathroom lock getting stuck to your phone running out of charge midway, or your earphones when you need them the most.
It is not like I do not try to "live life" as others say. But everything requires money. What if you do not have unlimited of it? Then you have nothing. I guess coz I am a young student and I do not have any "family" for which people go through worse shit than me. I have parents and an elder brother. My brother already earns very well. I am not sure what any of this has to do with me.
I have also tried making friends. But what do I do with friends? Most of them hang out on instagram and shit like that anyway. Stuff I do not want to use. Even if I do make friends what do u do with friends? You just joke around with them or get a cup of tea.
People also sometimes to say to believe in god. I am not against that but I do not get god. How can I get anything anyway that is outside my own comprehension. Outside the laws of the universe, my brain cant visualize it. And I do not think the man in a sky god can be real.
"Life is like a machine gun, thats all I want to say. Sing it with refrain, hey, all at once from the throat"
When I try to think of my reason for living. It is just because I am alive. What else should I do? Do nothing? I have done that too when I was depressed for a year. It is not really much of a choice. Does anyone else relate?
I wish I was good at music and could make a song out of my feelings that is not delusional pop. But my parents think music is a distraction and bad, and I remember asking my teachers multiple times when I was in school. Once when I was 10years old. Once when I was 16. But they pushed me away because the rich charismatic kids get all. I was shy and I couldn't even introduce myself. Maybe I am a pushover. Yeah I was. I am better now however. I just do not ask anyone for favors anymore. And after that sentence my earphones ran out of charge. I do not have the motivation to write in silence.
Your life will naturally feel more chore full living with your parents because you feel like you have to take care of them, or at least make accommodations for them in some way. Source: i live wit' my parents while studying.
Seeing your friends is supposed to not feel like a chore. If it does, reduce the amount you see them until it's actually fun for you, pr change the frequency. You could forego talking to them on IG and instead be the mysterious friend who only sees them at parties, or hangs out with them at events like bowling, paintball, walking or drinking. It's fine to not want to talk 24/7; in fact I agree that spending a lot of time on Instagram is detrimental.
When things do feel like a chore, you must seek ways to find them more fun or grow in tolerance of them. Examples:
I think you might benefit from finding a solo hobby (or a few) which give you space to gather your thoughts. It seems to me that the problem is other people guiding what you do with your time/life. Adulthood is figuring out, by yourself, how to spend your time - it is the key difference between an adult and a child (kids even before public education was invented, would be told what to do by their parents or peers)
I am not taking care of my parents. We can not stand each other. My parents hate me and I hate them. However I live in the east, and they have the authority and I do not. And they wont let me move out because they live in a 24/7 news cycle where university students murder each other while drunk. I feel like banging a glass bottle on my head when someone talks about the topic so I leave it out until someone asks.
Oh okay. So you're studying a bachelors degree and then you're hopefully going to be able to move out when you get your graduate job?