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childcare is about 3K a month max in a HCOL. even with 2 kids that's 6K a month.
if you both have degrees in tech in your 30s, you should both be making like way more than 6k a month. neither parent should stay home, unless it's a lifestyle choice. i have known a few people who did this. a dual income tech couple should be pulling in well over 200K/yr
and yeah if you are poor because of lifestyle choices... that's not struggling. that's you choosing to make less money than you could. or i suppose you could be 24 or something and both be making 60K, but why you had kids so early is against a lifestyle choice and your struggle would again be self-imposed.
and by the sounds of it you very much could afford a cheap least or car payment. a lease on basic hybrid civic is 250/mo or so. sounds you aren't open to leasing a car though and think you have to purchase it outright.
Got to love when people say 24 is young to have a child and it's a choice. Not every state allows abortion, and even with birth control and contraception, children occur.
Then the dogshit advice to lease... Sure, it might make sense to some, but it's almost always a terrible choice.