Ask Lemmy

Yes, but it took time to get there. Two things shifted: I opened up and I lowered the bar to be called "friend".

Opening up: geek out. Find the people that share your interests. I know, it's hard to do. But if you can find some people with a common thread, you'll likely find people with a few common threads and several tangential threads. Obviously, it's hard to find people, but chances are if you find one, they'll bring you more similar-minded people. Secondly obviously, you have to throttle yourself to not overdo the geeking until you know it's someone that has similar levels of interest. Most people geek out about something, but your local societal norms tend to direct you on what's normal. Watching every sports game of a particular team, knowing their stats? Geek. Cars? Geek. Guns? American Geek. Weight lifting min/maxing? Geekmaxing. These are just the normal masculine hobbies. Weather, space, physics, electronics, gardening, cooking, reading, so many other things to geek about. Try going to events that are part of or are tangential to your interests. Even if you dont grab anyone's contact info, enjoy vibing with your kind. Depending on the gig, you might even start seeing the same people.

Lowering the bar: I spent souch time feeling like I had no real friends. I had work friends. I lost school friends. I left home city friends. I lost prior work friends. Then I threw a big party and invited people from across my life. They showed up (mostly) and it literally felt like I was just catching up with old friends. The party itself wasn't important (to this topic), but the realization was. I always heard this notion of "fair-weathered friends" and "friends of proximity" and thought it applied to all of mine. Now I know: they're all friends of proximity because everyone is. Even your own family. If you lose the proximity, the friendship fades if you don't make the time for them. But it doesn't mean it's gone. It doesn't mean it needs a formal restart. I have summer friends, winter friends, work friends, concert friends, and so on. No, they're not all deep friendships, but they're people I can message on mutual topics and get together for mutual interests. But, among the ~30 people I can think of off the top of my head, there's maybe 5 I can talk about anything to. Doesn't mean I do. But they're people that i can spontaneously have deep conversations with.

Opening up can be as a simple as "I'm having a bad time with [blank]". If you're surrounded by masculinity, you might just get some dumb curt answers like "fix it" or "so don't do it". But you might find people with relevant experiences. I know I have selection bias, but most of the people in my life now would lend an ear and try to help. Humans like solving problems.

Similarly, when I was younger, I had more female friends than male. I'm sure being horny was an underlying factor, but I have little interest in most male interests here. By 25, I felt like I had no one. By 35, I was surrounded by 20 men and 20 tangential women, all friends, all open emotionally, all with just a seemingly small amount of common interest. But all about the same vibe.

And yet I can go a week and only talk to my spouse. And I'm happy with that. My spouse is my best friend, but I'm in the orbit of all these other people to share hobbies and interests with, both with and without my spouse.