EDIT: For those concerned about how this story sounds: I'm leaving out a ton of detail for the sake of brevity. The history of how I've felt about possibly being trans technically goes back since I was a kid. And over the past years its been more notable and its intensified in the past few months. Past few days are just sort of a sudden cracking of the egg.
EDIT2: Also, HRT doesn't bring about any permanent effects for the first few months is what I've read. Just softening of the skin basically and emotional changes. Some of you freaking out about me immediately starting HRT are being alarmist. If by some incredibly unlikely situation I end up hating being on HRT I'll figure it out within the first month or three and stop. But I know that's not going to happen TBH.
So, let me give some quick explanation on how I got here: Last Thursday, a girl I was essentially obsessed with told me to fuck off forever, even as a friend. To be honest I alienated my entire friend group surrounding her. I deserved this by any conventional measure, but that's not what I want to litigate.
I had been on a mental loop essentially obsessing over her, and when it was clear I'd not get to even be her friend anymore, let alone be with her romantically, I realized I had absolutely nothing to think about or put my energy into. She was kind of part of my last (I'm autistic) hyper fixation of romance that had crumbled before me. I went from Video games to Politics to Romance. I cared about nothing for a few days, purely operating on survival mode, work was absolutely miserable and free time I sat around doing essentially nothing but thinking and watching garbage youtube. I did not want to live anymore, though I had suicidal ideation even before she rejected even my friendship.
Saturday night and Sunday morning, in bed I ruminated about the only thing left basically all night waking up randomly: myself. My identity. Who the fuck am I? I wont get to heavy into details but I realized I was in denial with my "gender ambivalence" I wasn't ambivalent. I'm a transwoman. I told a friend and they immediately called me "Girrl!" and called me by a feminine form of my name via text. I immediately liked this to an extreme degree. And I think this kind of confirms it. I literally had a strong emotional sense of pleasure. I've never been excited to be a guy.
I feel both amazingly good about this revelation but also extremely... sad. I'm 38. I feel like I missed out on literally the best possible years to be a woman and I'm about to go into the worst. And the years I lived as a man were pretty terrible. I feel like I've been cheated.
I've realized the only real way I'm going to manage any real romance is to embrace who I actually am and stop pretending. I thought all my masking was to appear allistic (I'm autistic) but I was also essentially masking my gender. Pretending to be a guy. And I fucking suck at it.
Fortunately, I've aged surprisingly well despite being 38. I have all my hair. I already have a somewhat elven-esque pretty boy face even today that I think will not really require facial work. I have a "sing-song" voice for a guy. I am naturally relatively lanky/thin. Because I'm an indoors and night time person I've suffered minimal to zero UV damage to my skin and I don't smoke.
This almost stings more though: god how cute I could have been! What an absolute waste. But there is something to be salvaged at least. I plan to start HRT ASAP. I intend to call Planned Parenthood today.
Anyway, the actual question is: Other than HRT, what do I do now? What do I need to be careful about? What should I avoid? What should I try?
I suppose it couldn't hurt to mention to her.
I don't know that this negates me actually being trans though. Even if I was manic about figuring it out, its still true.
I'm not really 100% on board with the psychiatric treatment of mania or conceptualizing it medically, but it's clear to me that part of you is freaking the fuck out aobut something because you've been serially obsessing.
Do you have any sense of relief from your egg cracking? It sounds like there hasn't been much time to reflect and contextualize, etc., and you're just running to the next thing--transitioning ASAP.
So I guess the question is do you think all the unhappiness you've been experiencing is driven by living in the wrong gender? That's perfectly possible that's been the source of your stress, but I wonder if there are separate (or related) issues running alongside it that transitioning wouldn't solve.
Anyway, I'd find some good therapists if you can, someone who is not an idiot and understands trans issues; check local LGBTQ groups and see if you can get some good referrals and maybe tie into a community of transpeople for support. It doesn't necessarily have to be formal Support Groups, sometimes it's just social shit like games night or open mic.
That is basically how I've always operated. I tend to have like, one main thing that I'm hyperfixating on. A sort of "main project". I'm autistic and its essentially monotropism on a macroscale (but honestly on an hour to hour or day to day I tend to not like changing what I'm doing). Eventually when I resolve or complete a project it can sort of become part of the background of my life instead of my main focus though.
Yes, suddenly I basically see a reason to continue being alive. I can enjoy things again. Like I said in another post, played a video game that very day for multiple hours that I had been essentially ignoring because I'd been in a state of "What's the fucking point I'm not even capable of enjoying anything." The reflecting is something that brought me too this point. I'm sure I'll continue to reflect. TBH I probably do too much "reflecting" for my own good.
Will do. There is a LGBT center walking distance from me. In addition, a bar known for being an LGBT hub, though that's where some drama for me lives atm.
Nothing negates you being trans. In fact, you being trans seems to be a non-issue almost entirely. You're exhibiting potentially self destructive behaviors, though. In ways that being autistic and hyper fixated do not usually account for.
I'm all ears on what those are.
You alienated your friend group, you obsessed over a person to the point of them severing all ties with you (which points strongly toward limerance behaviors), you said for a while you were in survival mode, had suicidal ideation, can't seem to find any joy outside of your fixations. Huge, huge red flags especially when combined. I'm no professional but you're in an uncontained state. Which is plenty enough for me to absolutely call out worrying behavior. Any friend of mine had this combo going on and I'd be forming an intervention. But, to top all of this off, you're looking to add very powerful hormones into the mix. Again, not a mental health professional but this is all really troubling. Absolutely treatable but only if you see these things as problems.
Yeah I explicitly know I experience limerance for months. I am aware of this. I'm pretty good at metathinking about myself, to the point of dissociation.
They are really troubling. I know perfectly well. But I'm not in survival anymore or suicidal. I enjoy things now. Started too basically immediately after I accepted that I was trans. Maybe the first hours I was really sad about this revelation but like it only took maybe a few hours before suddenly I felt calm about life and what I needed to do. I was able to relax the rest of my Sunday. I did not even feel the needy obsessive desire to go out and seek social validation. I just chilled in pleasant solitude and played a video game. I have not been able to enjoy solitude in MONTHS. Things feel OK.
Treatable with what? I'm about to try a treatment. Its called HRT. I've considered others and they absolutely do not interest me. Anti-depressants? Nah. CBT? Fuck nooo.
Maybe I'll try anti-depressants later if HRT really turns out to not work or I end up depressed for reasons other than being trans. But it makes little sense to not just... go for the obvious solution.