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How do people who can't have or don't want penetrative sex find compatible partners? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 day ago by sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

22 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I (22M, heterosexual) am interested in a sensual and affectionate form of intimacy involving purely oral stimulation. My desire is entirely centered on kissing and being kissed as a way to exchange love and pleasure (with oral sex being an extension of kissing). It is so hot to me that it is genuinely all I want, and penetrative forms of sex do not interest me. (Due to medical issues, they also might not work super well at this point.)

I have never had a sexual partner because I was raised with a traditional model of intimacy in which an active male partner penetrates a passive female partner. Since my desires did not fit this framework, I never tried to even date anyone, believing that the type of intimacy I wanted - one in which both partners took turns giving and receiving oral pleasure - was impossible. At least, not without having to participate in an activity that didn't arouse me.

I am not nearly as ignorant as I was back then, but I would like to know if there is a general dating strategy to efficiently narrow things down to women who aren't interested in or don't require penetrative sex.

Does anyone know of someone in a similar situation who found a compatible partner regardless? If so, how did they do it?

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[–] sad_detective_man@sopuli.xyz 36 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

That's not unlike some forms of asexuality. Try dating in ace spaces. Many of them aren't repulsed by sex, just by penetrative sex.

Since so much of dating outside of heterosexuality is discussing what exactly you're okay with and looking for, it's a pretty safe way to learn about yourself and build that relational vocabulary.

[–] TherapyGary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 23 points 1 day ago (2 children)

As an ace therapist, I agree with this answer OP. Like others have said, talking to a therapist would also be a good idea, but be sure to find a therapist who's actually familiar with aspec stuff

[–] sad_detective_man@sopuli.xyz 6 points 1 day ago

TIL more about b-aced king TherapyGary

[–] roofuskit@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago

I'm glad you chimed in because this was my first instinct, but it didn't seem responsible to say so when I have no experience there. It's why I recommend speaking to a therapist.