Both sound terrifying and stressful. If they start off liking me I'll be worried every day they'll realize what I really am and leave, and if I have to earn their love they can take it away whenever they get bored with me.
this post was submitted on 23 Aug 2026
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Abandonment issues are tough buddy. Just let people love you bro
Amazingly, my ex did both (realize what I am, and take away their affection like dropping a bag of shit with zero emotional loss) after six years together. And we started as liking each other mutually from the start. No situation is safe.
Well, the purpose of a first date is to find out if you both "initially like" each other, right? If so, there will be a second date; if not- not. So this sounds like a first-and-last date scenario, either way.
That means it's an easy choice. I have to go with #1- no awkward burden of trying to get rid of her in a diplomatic way. No one is losing any sleep over why that weird boring guy they dated one time and didn't like, never called back .
In reality though- dating isn't a thing I do or would start doing. So not really qualified to advise on it.
Trying to date someone who's not interested in me sounds miserable.
Dating someone that I'm not into sounds cruel to them. Unless it's clearly a, like, casual or otherwise non-invested situation, and they're aware, but that also sounds hazardous.
None of the above. I only date women that I like who also like me.
Neither.
for context; I'm Aro-Ace with a slight demi-romantic lean(like barely a sliver), so it's unlikely I would be in this situation in the first place, but if I was in this situation, I would much prefer the second one to be in play because it's unlikely that I would ever have a situation where I found someone attractive without having a pre-existing bond created.
I haven't done the first but I've done the second. I don't like the second.
The latter, absolutely. I know about myself that I can make myself like someone, AND I SHOULD do it more often.
I have done both and while the former was very stressful, it was still better than the latter.
Dating someone you're not super into who really likes you felt like having a chainsaw hand. It sounds cool as long as you don't think about any of the details, but in practice you just spend the entire time worrying how to avoid causing any harm.
I seem to chronically date in the former category.
I have the opposite problem.
I feel you. I never like someone initially. I have no idea how people do that. I have to get to know people in order to tell whether or not I like them. It's one of the many reasons I've never really tried dating much.
I’d schedule dates with both prospective partners to see who I’m more compatible with moving forward.
How much we did/didn’t like each other before we agreed to go on a date is absurdly irrelevant and a very childish kind of mindset to have when dating.
That's an interesting point of view. I'm demi, so I only develop feelings once I know someone well. I feel like by then I already know if we're compatible. But I guess that's not the case for most people.
I'm so glad those aren't the only two options.
Don't we have better things to do with our lives? I have to pick? Fine... hmm.. second I think. I have a stronger aversion to taking up people's time when I feel they don't like me.
What?
when my wife and I met she was after me and I had eyes for her friend. Honestly im not very good at wooing so maybe this was the best situation for me.
Second one seems better. I know I'm willing to give something a shot and see if I grow to like them. I also know most other people are… not. If I don't like them, we stop dating, and nothing was lost
I mean. Step back, and its the same either way.
But I suppose the anguish is on the "liker," as the undecided is the one who gets to ponder their feelings and decide the fate of the date.
...So if I was being selfish, I'd want to be the "undecided." Generous, and I'd want to be the "liker," so the heartache would be on me instead of my date.
If I had knowledge of this cosmic situation, I guess I'd be the liker. I don't want my date to have to sweat while I decide; I want them to have fun. And I'd classify myself as "looser than average," so I wouldnt mind and just enjoy the time with the attractive person.
Dating is so blasé.