Ask Lemmy

The amount of weed I smoke. Teenage-me was still in the process of deprogramming from D.A.R.E. propaganda. She wouldn't have expected to become a full-blown stoner in her 30s.

I've always had a strong memory, and unfortunately it feeds into my anxiety and depression. Weed definitely impacts my memory, but it's a benefit - normally, all the stupid little things of the day would torture me. I'd be overanalyzing every word I said, worrying over social mistakes that nobody else even remembers happening. It's a mental process that only serves to hurt me, and that I raw-dogged sober for most of my life. Weed lets me break that cycle, change my focus, and not remember all the dumb little details that don't actually matter, but that would otherwise keep me awake at night.

As a teen, I would've struggled to understand that there could be benefits to marijuana. She would've just thought the self-torture was normal. Life's weird like that sometimes.

How boring I am

50, second marriage.

I'm 29. I'd be surprised I'm still alive.

When I was a depressed and extremely suicidal teenager, I decided that if nothing had improved for me by the time I was 20, then I'd kill myself then. When I set that time limit, I already had a couple of failed attempts under my belt (unbeknownst to my family), and desperately wanted to die. However, I felt guilty for the pain that would cause, which is why the attempts only happened when I reached a crisis point.

I had read suicide support guidance that advised to try and put distance between yourself and the suicidal feelings, because even just a day or two can help to stabilise the situation. Well my response was to take this logic and apply it to an extreme level, with significant spite attached. My logic was that if indeed things were just as hopeless when I was 20, I would feel justified in killing myself, and fuck anyone who would begrudge me my escape at that point. I didn't require things to be better-better by the time I was 20, I just needed something to change to show that it was still worth fighting.

Well, here I am, almost 10 years later, and I'm still alive. still struggle with suicidal ideation on a regular basis, and I suspect I will always have to keep an eye on my mental health. However, nowadays, when I get low, I don't actively want to die like I used to. Instead, it's usually a case of "I don't want to die, but I know I can't live like this".

Ironically, I think that planning my death saved my life. There were countless times over my late teens where I would've been at risk of making another attempt on my life, but instead would self soothe by counting down how much time I had left to ensure. It did mean that my early 20s were a bit confusing, as I was living a life that I had planned without ever expecting that I'd get that far. And I still sort of feel like these past 10 years have been a massive bonus level that I'm half expecting to be swept away from me at any moment, but I'm still here.

There are other things I could have replied to this question with, but nothing will trump my surprise at still being alive (and wanting to be)

That I could love myself. That I'd be a productive member of society. That I'd be a square.

That I'm driving an electric car. In highschool this would have felt impossible after GM blew up their lead.

I'd be astonished how I can feel existential uncertainty while having the salary I currently have.

How badly everything has gone.

The hair loss would be news, but I wouldn't really be surprised. I knew it happens.

I'm not sure 20 year old me would be very surprised. I ended up pretty much exactly where it would be expected of me: still single, living in a garage, working a dead end factory job. No possibility of ever owning a home and dwindling possibly for any kind of retirement.

Probably the credit card debt. And learning how long that asshole cat I got as a sophomore in college ended up living (18.5 spiteful years).

all the shit i can afford that i never dreamed of even having.

curse of low expectations I guess.

But I'd be super depressed that I never found a partner or had a family. Half a lifetime ago i was dating someone I thought I'd marry and have a family with... then she turned out to hate me and children. And sadly ever I met since her also hated me and children... so better off being single than being with someone who hates me.

that I'm still exactly nowhere

Half a life time ago, I was 20 and the only thing different between then and now that really would surprise 20 year old me would be hearing I have ADHD, BPD, and am autistic since I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s.

25 year old me would be surprised that I switched jobs a few times, got my bachelors degree and don't work as a plant operator anymore. He would be most surprised about which people are still a major part of my life, and which turned out to be not worth it.

That being successful wouldn't make things worth it or life more bearable.

I guess I was using the wrong metric.

At 17, I would have been ungodly shocked to know that those fainting episodes were part of something much much bigger. I'd be a little put off by how sedentary I become, but at least I'm still fighting the good fight.

I think I also would be fairly shocked to see myself as gay.

Young me would have a hell of an emotional rollercoaster to see current me for certain, lol

I would be surprised that I'm with the person I'm with, living where I am.

Late 20's, most surprising would be the fact that i'm no better off than I was when I got out of high school.

This is interesting to think. I wouldn't be that surprised at my life. I did the stuff i wanted to, nothing crazy has happened really. I still do a lot of the same hobbies I did 20 years ago, just with more money. I would think emulation is fricken sweet as well as all the console mods that exist now.

I'd be massively depressed at the state of the world. Makes me wonder how much worse itll get in another 20 years.