Aliens invade earth, force utopia on everyone.
(short version because long it could get very complicated)
this post was submitted on 01 Nov 2026
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"Tech market crashing. Massive economic down turn."
"Russia overwhelmed, can no longer sustain war."
"United States completely crashes. Becomes third world country."
"Upper class mass murder! Multiple billionaires and multi millionaires assassinated!"
MAGA disintegrates in orgy of backstabbing as opportunists scramble to fill reeking power vacuum left by massive Big Mac Attack.
"Against all expectations, the former United States of America has been replaced by a new, socialist government, and promised land back and self-determination up to and including secession for indigenous peoples."
Epstein files fully released
he's dead
On weekends, we hear fireworks occasionally on the weekends. We assume it's for whatever sports game is in season.
But I always check the headlines real quick
Free beer day at Minoqua Brewing.
I think a lot of us are waiting for the same headline.
There is someone who works a new stand. Everyday an elderly man walks up to the stand, looks at the news papers and the walks of in disgust.
Eventually the worker stops the old man and asks him "Why do you do that every day?"
The old man says "I am looking for a specific obituary."
The worker says "But the obituaries are in the back on the new paper."
The old man says "Not this one."
I check headlines everyday for the big win. Everyone at work is planning a huge party for when it happens. If I happen to be off shift that day I’ll be dancing in the streets with everyone else.
They don’t make a beer mug big enough for the celebration that will ensue after he dies.
I don't think it'll matter if I'm on shift or not...
Donald Trump, JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Nancy Pelosi. Chuck Schumer, Vladimir Putin, Rupert Murdoch, Sam Altman. Dario Amodei, Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Jared Kushner, Kamala Harris, and Russell Vought all die mysteriously seemingly within minutes of each other.
You’ve got Kamala Harris on there but not Peter Thiel?
Yeah, ok bud.
I think you forgot Netanyahu.
Oh yeah. And Gavin Newsome too.
Stephen Miller too.
Why is Kamala Harris lumped in there?
I'll tell you why. If a Democrat wins the presidency in 2028 they will need to be nearly superhuman to address the scale of destruction the Trump administrations have done to this country. She's shown none of those qualities. She was chosen as VP to get the black vote and then put up against Trump out of fear that if they didn't, after Biden finally decided to drop out, that they'd lose the black vote. Democrats are the controlled opposition. Controlled by money and power. They have to break free from that and chart a new course. Kamala Harris isn't even close to being the person who can do that. And she's thinking about running again, and people who don't think will vote for her. That has to be stopped.
No disagreement, but I wouldn't put her on the same level as Trump, Putin, Altman, and Musk. I wouldn't wish her harm.
I'll just say it's an obituary and be confident that I won't need to say more.
There's an old Soviet joke:
A man goes to a newspaper stand every day, buys a copy of Pravda, glances at the front cover, curses, and throws it away.
After a few weeks of this the seller just has to ask what's going on: "why do you always look at the cover but never inside?" "I'm looking for an obituary." "An obituary? But those are in the back!" "Oh no, the obituary I'm looking for will be on the front page."
Turns out I just posted this further up the page with different wording. 🙃
During Trump's first term, I kept predicting that one day he would go missing, along with one of his helicopters, and turn up in Russia weeks later
Trump Found Dead on Toilet
Netanyahu Assassinated, Israel Collapses
Putin Dead of Colon Cancer, Russia Retreats from Ukraine
Socialist Revolution in North Korea
Myanmar Rebels Unite and Overthrow Junta
Sudanese Anarchist Republic Recognized by UN General Assembly
Saudi Royal Family Flees Capital During Violent Uprising, Interim Government in Talks with Yemen
DRC Enacts and Enforces Stringent Labour Laws, Ebola Cases Low
Canada's Green Party Elects first Woman Premier
China Enshrines Proportional Representation into Law
Socialist Revolution ~~in North Korea~~
Socialist Revolution in North Korea
That would confuse so many right-winger heads.
The corporate media would obfuscate the socialist character of the revolution and call it an anti-communist revolution.
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"Donald Trump, Disgraced President of the USA, Dead at 81"
...twice impeached and convicted of 34 felonies....
I'd rather see him in jail, but this is the next best thing.
When is the ORANGE OBITUARY!
Trump sentenced to 400 years solitary confiment after being found guilty.
Drug found that can extend life to 500 years.
A quick death is too good for some
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"Ram prices plummet- Solid state memory overstock reaching critical levels"
"RAM manufacturers spotted handing out DIMMs in on the street to alleviate oversupply issues."
"Every single AI company declared bankruptcy, all of their executives received the instant death penalty, and Donald Trump died a slow agonizing death over a 92-hour period."
In rapid succession:
-
Sustainable energy now open-source
-
Rewilding commons yields global benefits
-
Atmospheric CO2 reaches pre-industrial levels
-
World Food Programme ends human hunger
-
World Rejoices in universal debt jubilee
-
Humanity achieves intergenerational wealth for all
-
First Contact Consensus: Together, We Ascend
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"AfD Banned"
Obituary, but I keep getting the wrong ones.
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
"White House confirms independent media reports that President Donald Trump has passed"
Or something like that, because we all know the white house won't go out and say he has passed, other outlets will report it first, then at one point the white house will have to say it.
abdul fattah el sisi gets overthrown and is replaced with a real democratic president
Obituary for CEOs of AI companies
"So much new housing has been built, everyone can now afford buying their own before their 40s"
or better
"Corporations in fatal decline as most of the economy is now organised via cooperatives"
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