this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024

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Ex-Incels, how did you dig yourself out? (poptalk.scrubbles.tech)

submitted 1 year ago by scrubbles@poptalk.scrubbles.tech to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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I'm an ex incel myself, but I've been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. "I'm not attractive enough", "I don't socialize correctly", "I'll never find a woman" - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.

Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.

I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I'm now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.

So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what's your story?

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[–] lennybird@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Not really incel in that I didn't blame or resent women or anything but I was pretty low self-esteem (this years and years ago). Got my first job, started exercising, eating better, and literally within like 6 months of committing to just focusing on my own self-improvement and being comfortable with my own independence I met my future wife lol. That self-confidence may have led me to saying yes to invitations I otherwise either never would've received in the first place or never would've accepted.

So a combination of a) Being comfortable with yourself, by yourself, and not actively looking but rather letting things organically happen naturally, b) active self-improvement, and c) putting yourself out there a bit by way of hobbies and work, etc.

[–] scrubbles@poptalk.scrubbles.tech 1 points 1 year ago

It really is amazing how quickly things turn around when you just focus on being a better human. Working on oneself is a great way to feel better all around. Then it usually follows that people will start being attractive. Someone who enjoys life and is fun to be around is a lot more attractive then someone who doesn't see the point in doing anything and resents everyone.

[–] Nindelofocho@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

Honestly, I touched grass and made some good good friends. I matured and realized incel shit wasent very cash money. I wasent full incel but I was definitely on the path. I worked on myself a lot and really grew into just enjoying my hobbies. I learned that I wasent mature enough for a relationship and didn’t respect myself enough. I still have a lot to learn and will continue to learn and grow. Currently im in a nice relationship and around good friends

[–] QuantumSparkles@sh.itjust.works 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

but l've been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. "I'm not attractive enough", "I don't socialize correctly",

Oh god you’re talking about me aren’t you

[–] Allero@lemmy.today 1 points 1 year ago

I feel like I always had that "I don't socialize correctly" vibes, always feeling like I'm out of context and weird and not cool.

But then I realized something.

Cool people are literally the same. They don't do some special "cool" things, they just better fit the given community with their traits. I can be cool too, I just need a room of nerds!..and apparently YES, that's all it took. Now I am cool in my circle, respected by my friends and they actually invite me to spend time with them and are happy when I can turn up. And I also have a girlfriend who adores me and is happy to spend every bit of time with me, too!

Also, all the culture, all the behaviors are all interconnected. You can absolutely have someone into national dances or writing books suddenly turn to hard rock and be completely integral with it! Behaviors, art forms, forms of expression constantly reappear in society, and a lot of what we see today we've seen centuries or millennia ago.

So whichever way you socialize, you are not doing it wrong. You are not weird or out of place - society always had people like you, society has them now, and your best bet is to find your people. You are not outdated or ahead of time - modern culture is not fundamentally different from anything that has been before or will be after. You are a real integral part of society, in whatever form you exist, and you create and form it.