Ask Lemmy

This is an old post i saved for this kind of moment so here ya go.

About 6 or 7 years ago my college roommate told me: Conversation isn’t something any one person is good or bad at, it’s a skill like anything else. Everything changed once I thought about it like this.

1. The more new people you talk to the easier it is. Especially the opposite sex.

2. Everyone else has their own anxieties and fears. They’re just better at hiding it or masking it than you. Use this to your advantage to point out things you have in common and relate to them.

3. When someone talks, LISTEN. Don’t worry about your posture, your dog, your clothing. Listen to them. If you don’t understand something, stop them and ask. Engage with them. Everyone you meet knows something you don’t know.

4. Ask open ended questions. Don’t ask, “Did you have a good day?” Instead ask “What was the best part about your day?” “What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about your job?” Make them feel important. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. So do you. Take that feeling and shove it way down. When they ask about you, that’s your turn to shine. If they don’t, you don’t really want to be friends anyway.

5. Never one-up people. Even if you are way better, or know way more than the person talking to you, build them up.

6. If someone is telling a story or saying something and they get cut off, find the next opportunity to bring them back in. “Hey, _______ you were talking about X, what did you want to say?”

7. Laugh at their jokes. Laugh at your jokes. We’re all weird brains walking around in these skin things. Don’t take it so seriously.

8. You will remember your mistakes WAY more than anyone else. Stop taking yourself so seriously.

9. My last and 2nd most important tip. Start every conversation with a compliment. I don’t care if they’re a dude and you’re straight as fuck. I don’t care if they’re mean, evil to you, or disagree with you politically in every way. Find something about the way they look, and compliment it. Someone did this to me once when I was a new guest at someone’s apartment. “Hey man, that’s an awesome jacket, where’d you get it?” I fucking loved that jacket. And I was self conscious about it. I felt instantly at home.

Take the things you like, and be that person for someone else. If you’re on a date, be genuinely interested in that person.

These are things that worked for me. Find your own style.

The #1 tip!! Go into EVERY room as if people will like you. Seriously. Walk through any door, in front of any group of people and smile. They. Will. Like you. Keep that in the front of your mind and you will enjoy conversations with anyone.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Situational commentary is a great way to start. Look around, comment on what you see to your soon-to-be conversation partner. Especially easy if anything out of the ordinary happens: thunderstorm, someone busking, squirrel appears etc. Make a comment, ask a question, go with the flow

Start talking about The Spanish Inquisition. Nobody ever expects that.

"Have you noticed gum has gotten mintier lately?"

Did you see that ludicrous display last night?

Hello fellow humans! Have you consumed any good carbohydrates today?

Weekend plans are a good conversation topic with anyone you're already talking to. People spend their weekends with the people they like, going to places they like, doing the things they like. Talking about what people did the last weekend reveals what's important to them, and is a glimpse into their interests and hobbies. If those overlap with yours, you've got something to talk about. Even if they don't, maybe ask about them anyway, and see if you can learn something new about a new interest or hobby.

Eat any good books lately?

You hear about Pluto? That’s messed up!

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

He was sitting on the deck.

Hi.

"Can I offer you an egg in these trying times?"

What music/game/ movie have you been into lately ?

What have you created lately?

How do you feel about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the patriarchy?

All normal things

Talk about what you're interested in. Or let the other person talk about what they're interested in and be engaged in the conversation. Either way you build report

Make an observation, any observation, and say something about it. You'll find that it's fun talking to randos even for just a few words. Like if you say "This line is long." And they just grunt.

And about silly things. I was at a restaurant and, as listed in the menu, they has a "boneless chicken pot pie". So I asked the waitress if I coukd have the chicken bone in. Silly things like that.

Hope that helps 🙂

A university-specific one: look up what the agenda of your student leadership is currently debating, then say “hey I heard the student body president is trying to [thing]” and go from there. You might accidentally learn about yourself along the way.

My favorite conversation starter works great in college but also everywhere else! But you have to actually be interested in the answer, whatever it may be.

“So, what have you learned or learned about recently, say in the last 6 months, that you found particularly interesting, and what about it is interesting to you?”

They usually ask for some sort of clarification because nobody starts conversations this way, and I frequently have to emphasize that I want to know what they found interesting, not what they think I will find interesting.. But if they have anything to talk about, you’ll hear it, very quickly. Saves a ton of time with small talk (I’m low-masking autistic; small talk is pain)

One of my favorites was some random old guy at a bar who designed the machines for making trash bags. He told me about some new design quirk he’d come across that was going to improve the machines, and he was very pleased to tell me all about how it worked and could be implemented.

It also weeds out boring people who legit have nothing other than themselves to talk about, like the people who try to explain sports or something.. if that’s really what they are into, cool, but they never choose interesting deep info, just basic superficial stuff. Those conversations never go anywhere, but at least I didn’t waste much time!

This also works with friends you’ve had for ages! It’s a great “I have nothing to talk about but I’m bored and want to talk to you” sort of thing.

Not a great lead itself, but a useful poke a hippy at a festival taught me when the opening conversation starts to fizzle out a bit: "what do you want to tell me? It can be anything at all, take a moment to think about it." Then sit with the silence a bit (don't stare at them, let them think).

Some people will tell you some wild shit and/or open up like crazy if given this invitation. The person who used it on me got my whole life story, shit I was trying to work through by (in part) being there in the first place, etc. The last person who I did this with told me some defining moments in the development of their politics and worldview.

Create comfort, give an open invitation and a little space, and you'd be surprised how quickly you might move from small talk to more substantial stuff. Recommend everyone try it once just to see what the outcome is, so far it's been pretty neat.

'Ave you seen that ludicrous display last night?

(apologies, I don't like talking to people)

"Don't mean to brag, but I just shit myself." 😏

When making small talk, ask for opinions farther down someone's list. Like, "What was the third best trip you ever took?" It catches people off guard in a good way, and garners better answers than asking for their top choice.

You can do it the other way, too. Saying, "that was the fourth funniest thing I have ever seen" immediately prompts questions from your audience. Just be ready with a good follow-up story if you try this.

Another option is to learn little party tricks that don't require much talking. Learn to fold simple origami, or some coin tricks, or whatever. When you're with a group of people and you don't know what to add to the conversation, you quietly do your thing until someone notices. Suddenly a banal moment becomes a memorable moment and you didn't have to say anything.

Can you hear that?

What?

Sounds almost like... Ice breaking.

For people I know a little I usually talk about something recent that happened in one of our common areas of interest (e.g. new game releases, what we played recently, what annoyed or hyped me, books we bought and / or read, ...).

Another friend of mine became a parent two years ago and this and the house they are currently building are actually the only things she can talk about anymore, so I adapted and usually start with something one of my niblings did recently (e.g. my 3 year old niece told everyone she can't wait to finally grow up and can do what she wants like going alone to school, eat fries and dance! All very nice life goals IMHO and a good convo starter :D)

For people I know less I try to find something that relates to the current situation (like how I experience things, or what they are currently doing, ...). I feel like it's important, that you are genuine as in you are actually interested in what you are talking about and what the other person has to say.

E.g. after class you can discuss your perception of the lesson (that was loooong / interesting / difficult / ...) and ask them how they perceived it. Or if you meet someone for the first time you can ask how they decided to go to this class and continue from there.

Fun fact: I found my friends at uni (still friends > 10 years later) by befriending the weirdest guy in the group and then being introduced by him. He loved to talk about toilets, maths and how he felt like the Mensa was his new mom. He was super smart and weird and actually everyone liked him because he was honest and real. I used this as a cue to overshare all my weird family stories in that group (not the best conversation starters), I guess the shock value still worked :D

In the end it feels way more difficult, than it is. I still sweat like I've walked a marathon every time. The best tip is that you're genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. If something really doesn't interest you, engage in another topic or ask friendly for more insights, maybe you'll learn something new. Stay friendly and appreciate the time, the person is spending with you and you're good!

Beautiful city we live in... Have any good advice on interesting places to visit or things to do that are off the beaten path?

You might get some great places to visit you might not know of and you might start up a nice conversation with someone interesting. Don't be afraid to ask followup questions to engage in more conversation.

Relax, smile and be yourself! Most importantly have fun with it.

As another commenter said, situational commentary is a good way to start a convo with a stranger.

But your deeper issue is almost certainly anxiety. The real way you learn to start conversation is by just saying whatever the fuck. Then notice if people are interested, amused, confused, angry, etc - and then continuing from there. Over time, you naturally, without trying, start thinking of things which garber positive reactions from others, and become more adept at guaging their reactions, which drives further inprovement. Anxiety hinders you on both of these fronts - taking action (saying something) and noticing peoples reactions.

Be aware of this anxiety, notice it, and remind yourself that it doesn't actually mean anything. If you say something weird, so what? Lots of people say weird things in college. That's what college is for. Being a good conversationalist is a skill, and as a skill, you will suck at it at first. Sucking at it is simply part of the process. So allow yourself the ability to suck at conversations long enough to get good at them.

If you know you are going to be in an informal group setting (for example, going on a camping trip where everyone will be sitting around a campfire), get a copy of the book 3000 Questions About Me. Everyone takes turns thinking of a random number between 1 and 3000, and then everyone answers the question. It's kind of a fun game, but it gets deep really fast.

I started training myself by asking people for the time. I don't think that works so well now that everybody has a phone on them all of the time. I would also compliment people on something they were wearing, for example. Everybody loves that.

It's easier to start with something small like that. Then once you're comfortable asking and interacting with someone about that simple question, you can go for something more open ended.

Besides the top answer of situational openers, sometimes people ask what you're up to or what you've done. I would always keep in mind three things that I've done recently or even interesting observations I've had in last week or so.

Fashion compliments if you see someone wearing a cool shirt or a good looking style, makes the day of the person, even if no followup conversation happens! (i got a compliment regarding a shirt once, and i am still thinking back to that - it's been years)

Would you rather talk to an Australopithecus or a whale?