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My partner and I wanted it for legal reasons, especially since I'm disabled so he can make medical decisions etc.
We can either "register as partners' or get married. Both cost the same. Marriage had a wedding party. Costs a lil bit more, but brought together all of our friends and had a beautiful day. So why choose boring?
Had a coworker who got married because the paperwork (or rather leak thereof) for the dad when they had kids.
For me it was a way of showing my love, a way of showing that I want to commit long term.
Yeah, when you're married the husband will automatically be registered as the dad instead of 'having to prove it'.
Our wedding had a double layer: we had the plan in our head for a while. Then my dad passed away and on his deathbed my now husband promised him he would take care of me like how he took care of me. So, it became incredibly emotional (6 months later) as some sort of seal on that promise too.
Of course there are the legal benefits people have mentioned, but I think a lot of it is that humans love our symbolism and ceremonious tradition. Sure, the ring and ceremony aren't what make your bond, but it is symbolically immortalized through them.
Weddings don't have to be incredibly expensive. My wife doesn't like diamonds, so I proposed to her with a piece of her birth stone. We had our wedding in a state park, we were able to reserve a large section of it for sub $100. We went with simple silver wedding bands from a local jeweler. The biggest cost was food and drink for 70 people. Even though ours was comparatively cheap for a wedding, you could do it way cheaper. Some couples choose to elope, some have a smaller ceremony with only their closest family. It doesn't need to cost an arm and a leg to be a beautiful day.
Legal items aside. My wife has my back and I have hers. Having a partner in life you can trust with yours is a special thing.
It doesn't have to even be man and woman. I know a group of older men who have a group dynamic where they are all basically each other's partners....not sexually, just supportive.
I think the question is not questioning relationships, but asking why a marriage itself is worth anything.
You can have a lifelong partner without being married to them
Aight, you seem to want to ignore the legal benefits, so I won't mention that beyond saying that it is a hell of a lot easier to get married than to figure out all the paperwork needed to duplicate it, and not even have the exact same outcomes, just the majority. The tax thing, for example, you can't file jointly if you aren't married, no matter what else you set up (edit: in places where things like common law marriage aren't recognized)
The biggest thing is the experience, imo. The memory.
Now, me and my wife went to the JoP, with our kid and required witnesses (my best friend and his husband).
No fancy reception, no major party, just went home and said to my dad "we're back, no problems." He said congratulations, and went back to watching TV.
Total spent was about a hundred bucks, including gas. And the memories of it are wonderful, we cherish it all, and we're happy as hell we didn't do anything else.
Wedding ceremonies, however, are expensive once you go beyond that bare minimum. That's a cultural/sociological thing where the needs of the individual and the culture mesh into not only believing it necessary, but beneficial.
And, for the people that want it, it is beneficial. Ceremonies, rites, rituals, they serve a purpose beyond the legal or official status that comes with them. Weddings are as much about community as they are the couple. It's the union being both recognized and celebrated at the same time, even when it's a secular ceremony rather than religious.
Don't get me wrong, the money spent on empty bullshit surrounding weddings is absurd. But the actual wedding, where the community stands around the couple is incredibly powerful in terms of validation, even when it's the license that really matters legally. You can have ceremonies without the license; I performed several of them back before same sex marriage became legal. Those events were important, and doubly so because they had no legal standing.
I think that's what you're missing, that there's a massive difference between two people shacking up and marriage. When the people involved swear an oath, and/or exchange symbols of union it means something, even if there's no witnesses, not even someone to perform a ceremony. But as you move into witnesses and an officiant, it feels different because it is a public commitment. You can still divorce or whatever, but it happened, and you can never deny that. That moment, the vows, they exist in a way they don't if you swear only to each other.
Yeah, two people can be just as committed, and honor their commitment perfectly without anything else. But it feels different.
Now, again, I'd argue that once you start shelling out for crazy dresses and cake and niche receptions, you hit diminishing returns very quick. That's to satisfy other things, not the union itself. It may well make people happy, but it doesn't add anything to the underlying point of there being a ceremony in the first place. That of saying to the world "where once there were two, now there are one".
Not that anyone has to share the valuation, but it's what underlies the whole thing, and it has value
The tax thing, for example[:] you can't file jointly if you aren't married, no matter what else you set up
Not true. We filed jointly for years as common law. 🇨🇦
Some rights can be similar, but you'll always have to declare the other person as your legal whatever. Marriage says to the state that this person is my default for pretty much everything--power of attorney, medical stuff, property ownership, etc. So if I get in an accident and fall unconscious, my wife doesn't have to fight the hospital staff to see me.
Depending on your country, there are other bonds that have the same legal binding as marriage.
In addition, if we're honest, there are some "soft" benefits as well. My wife changed her name when we got married, and having the same last name (and our kids having the same last name) avoids a lot of complexity with things like traveling (especially because our daughter is a different skin color than the rest of us). Marriage didn't explicitly grant us that privilege, but there are a lot of societal norms that come with it that have proven beneficial.
I'm not trying to claim that any of this is how it should be necessarily, but if you're asking about practical reasons why, those are some of them. If you want the practical benefits without the cost, it's (relatively) cheap to go to the courthouse or Vegas. Hell, you can get a friend to perform the ceremony for free, all you pay is for the marriage license. But if you're otherwise not interested in marriage and those benefits don't appeal (or whatever other reason), just stay dating.
Thanks for sharing! Concerning logistics when travelling I can also share my experience.
I travel on a Dutch passport and my children, while also having Dutch citizenship, travel on German passports because that is where we live and where my wife is from. They also use my wife's German last name. Therefore, when travelling, my kids and I have different names and nationalities. For some reason nobody ever questioned any of that. I keep a copy of the birth certificate just in case though.
Courthouse weddings are a thing, and not expensive. That covers the legal part, and doesn't require any fancy lawyer stuff like whatever wills or trusts you're thinking about. Not like we have any real assets anyway. Rings are not required, but you also don't need to spend a ton on them if you do want them.
Getting legally married is intended to protect the couple under certain circumstances as you suggest. You could attempt to perform the same with other legal means but it would be harder and costlier; like you deciding not buying a car but putting one together yourself.
The notion people get legally married out of love or worse that "a paper does not say I can love a person" seem to just have a 7 year old notion of what marriage is
I want someone to marry me again someday. I want someone to stand in front of my friends and family and profess their love and devotion.
I gave up on that dream a couple of years ago.
My grandfather died in the 80s, 20 years later my grandma got a boyfriend, a widower similar to her age, so both in their mid 70s. She once said that she thought she would be alone for the rest of her life and never thought she would be so in love again.
They never married but had 15 beautiful years with each other. What I'm saying is that it's never too late to find happiness, no matter what that might entail.
That’s really nice to hear, but I’m tired of waiting to find someone that cares for me as more than just a friend. I recognize that I likely will never find that.
I think you're wrong, I am sure that there is someone out there for you and I am sure that it will be unexpected and strange and different than you imagined in ways you can't even think of today but it will happen. Just be careful not to reject it because you were conditioned by yourself and others to not believe it.
I hope you have a great weekend <3
Getting dressed up and having a big ol party
I think it cost us nothing. I’m in Finland and happily married after many many years.
I talked about this a lot with my partner since we had been living together for a couple of years before we decided to get married.
Marriage, to us, is really just an external expression of the love that we share and the commitment we have already made to each other. The marriage itself is not the commitment, just a statement of it. There are lots of members in our families who disagree and say that marriage itself is the commitment, but then again they’re the same ones who have been divorced or who have extremely unhealthy relationships with their spouses.
Leaning on a piece of paper with your signature on it as the reason you’re staying with someone is idiotic; paper tears extremely easily. I choose to love my partner, not because a paper tells me that I chose that long ago, but because I wake up every day and make that decision.
Why get married? I dunno, if it doesn’t mean the same thing to you, then don’t, and I say that with no judgement at all. If you care more about the person than you do about the idea if marriage (like I do) and you gain nothing from a marriage, then don’t worry about it and just focus on the person, yourself, and the relationship you both share.
You gain legal protections against being forced to testify against one another.
Just go do it at court on the cheap and throw a party.
I got married while standing in a river and I incorporated a pagan ritual in front of a select few of unsuspecting parents and their spouses.
Worth.
A month and a half later we held a fancy reception dinner and served pancakes.
Also worth.
Being married doesn't need to cost anything. You could not organizing any kind of célébration. You could stop at a dinner with the guests you can host at home. Or do a big party on a yacht with firework. It doesn't matter.
Getting married is officializing to society that the person you love is your family. Building a link separed from love that could fade and vary with time.
This link make also easier to share advantage that is usually reserve to one. Patrimoine, possession, inheritance, joined whatever. It give you the right to make décision in the name of your SO in hard times. If they had an accident, if they are missing or having a dire disease.
Many people fear prénuptial contract but it is the best way to build a marriage in a way to have all the advantage without the dependance. And realising that a relationship might end and that each should be fearly treated without having to fight for it doesn't equated douting a relationship. If you don't fear séparation, you can sign anything. Right ?
I married my partner, after being with them for over a decade, and a few years of living together full-time. It was mostly for admin reasons (we just bought our home, and being married made things easier if one of us died). If it wasn't for that I don't think we would have bothered. We know we love each other, and had decided a few years before that if we'd get married if we ever needed to, so it wasn't like we ever 'proposed'. Just a tiny ceremony with two friends as witness, and we went out to a restaurant for lunch afterwards. I don't think it cost us anything beyond lunch? Maybe a tiny admin fee?
But... I'm so happy we did! It's weird! I never really cared, and rationally, I still think it hasn't changed anything. But somehow it feels... really nice? I still regularly think (and tell them) "I'm so glad I married you". I'm sure there are lots of other things that you can do to symbolise your relationship or commitment. If I got a tattoo inspired by my partner I'd probably have the same feeling of looking at it and thinking of them that I do when I play with my wedding ring (2€ piece of silly junk from aliexpress. And we each bought a bunch of spares so that when we inevitably lose them it's not a problem). But actually a marriage is one of the simplest and cheaper ways (if you don't choose or feel pressured into turning it into a stupid moneysink).
Tldr: didn't care about marriage, got married for tax, and weirdly found it deeply satisfying in a completely unexpected way.
Depending on state, healthcare applies to spouses but may not for long term partners. You can’t do that with a will or trust
You also get tax benefits
Getting married should only be expensive if you want it to be, although too many people fall for the peer pressure.
So, Suze Orman is a fairly well-known investment advisor. Back when marriage equality was new, she totted up that there were over 1100 benefits to getting married. I don't know what they all were, and I'm sure some of them are obscure, but still ....
The answer will likely depend on the place in the world and even on the cultural background of individuals getting married. I'll just share my experience.
We got married out of convenience. While it's technically possible to arrange the bulk of the legal stuff with various contracts, it is just easier to use the "default contract" that already covers the most common use case. Some legal arrangements, for example cuts to inheritance tax or the right to remain silent when asked about your spouse in legal proceedings, are only available for "real" marriages.
Once we decided to have children we looked into the various arrangements needed to make that work and quickly found out that marriage is the easiest way to sort everything out. In our day to day life nothing really changed. In legal terms quite a lot is now different.
By the way, as others have mentioned, getting married isn't expensive. All we paid was the administrative fee which was something like 50 Euros.
Socially it's an excuse to party with everyone you love.
Legally it's only worth it if you have kids, plan to migrate countries, or have shitty immediate family among other things. But if you're just in a long term relationship with your finances otherwise separated, no kids or end of life concerns, ~~then it can be somewhat detrimental as you're just inviting the state in to meddle with your life.~~ it's just a formal interaction with the state.
Edit: see replies.
This is a shallow and very "I just think about the next few hours" view...
First of all, there are a lot more legal protections to married couples even if no kids are involved. Second, I guess you know when you are going to die so you can be certain there won't be any end of life concerns, you are certainly immune to accidents, right? But also, you don't have to be about to die to want your fiance to be allowed in the hospital room with you (which they won't be if you are unable to provide approval and they are not legally your partner)
The "state" does not meddle in married life either... this is a rednecky thing to say... unless of course you are referring to treating your partner like crap or attempting to deny them any protection they are legally entitled to
It's the symbolism
I want to show the world that I love my woman, and I'll do it in every way that I can