No Stupid Questions

I'm 28. I've never had or been able to keep a real job, lost what few friends I had growing up and can't make new ones having always been a little different and "off" to other people. I live in a cramped multi-generational house with my very dysfunctional family. Doordash, Uber Eats and donating plasma are the only ways I can make money, and my bank balance is always at or near zero despite only paying my phone bill, car insurance and a few other things but not rent. Every other menial minimum wage job I've ever had was either cut short by management despite my diligent efforts or due to bullying from coworkers. There's something about me that attracts them like flies to shit, ever since I was a kid.

My car is constantly breaking down before I can even save enough to pay for repairs. Since my car was in the transmission shop for 5 months (infuriating, I know) I only made around 6k last year. After all that, the transmission is acting up again and this hoodrat mechanic is playing dumb refusing to cover any warranty even though he never gave me a receipt. Oh well. Even still, I would rather suffer the indignity of being a literal gig slave driving a shitmobile than get bullied by stupid rednecks again for $10/hr.

I tried to get my life together and become an x ray tech last fall, but after finishing one measly prerequisite baby tier difficulty class I took on four the next semester and had to drop everything because I was having a mental breakdown. Sorry mom and dad, I tried and failed AGAIN like I always fucking do at everything ever, oh well. Then I got billed $1,101 by the school, so I set it on top of the $6000+ pile of medical bills from mental health treatments years ago that did nothing. In retrospect, I only wanted to become an x ray tech for the money, I despise people and would never have made it through that program anyway.

I don't have and will never have the money to travel or move out. I can't even afford a quick weekend getaway, never mind that there's nowhere interesting that doesn't require a plane ticket to get to from where I'm at and that I could be just as alone for free in my bedroom. I've never had a girlfriend and probably never will. I'm an extremely unlikeable person with no hope, no future, and no legacy. Every waking moment is agony, even when I'm smiling or laughing. I think about ending it all the time. All of the treatments and medications in the world haven't helped. Ten years. I've tried everything. The one thing that remains constant is me. If I had been born as anyone else I would've been ok. I would've had a real life. But no, I just HAD to be born as me.

I won't even go into detail about the psych hospitalization and bipolar misdiagnosis after a weed induced psychosis and the horrific abuse I witnessed there. That experience destroyed any remaining faith I had in the goodness of humanity or the idea that we aren't just these animated meat puppets that break down like malfunctioning machines, sometimes permanently. I really can't imagine what kind of a sadistic god would create a world as absolutely horrific as this. Its weird to know that while I'm sitting here alone in the dark cackling like a maniac at the dumbest shitposts imaginable day after day after day to escape the pain and monotony of my never ending nightmare, there are people out there with objectively MUCH MUCH MUCH better lives than me who have the same urge to dip out.

At least your problems are fixable by your own free will and not hardwired in or imposed on you by the crushing weight of a world that was designed for other people, not you, and which leaves no room for you to live with dignity and in peace. At least you haven't burned every bridge and destroyed every relationship and ruined your reputation beyond repair. At least you haven't been mislabeled as severely mentally ill and a threat to others by a fucking kangaroo court and had your 2nd amendment right permanently stripped away (I'm American so this stings). At least you have a somewhat normally functioning brain and some level of respect from others and society in general. At least you have money and the ability to take a step back from survival to think about what you want in life. Be grateful that you even have a choice. You have no idea how good you have it.

As someone who has felt exactly the way you describe and am now on the other side of it, here's my advice.

1. Do not give up or shy away from that feeling that you need to completely get away from your present surroundings. You don't want to look back in 10 years and wish you had taken the opportunity when you could.
2. Don't foolishly think that getting away like this will fix everything. It will help, but new problems will also emerge and if you haven't addressed the demons in your head, you'll never truly escape them. Therefore...
3. Get the treatment you need and make sure it works before you end up in the middle of nowhere with no options and no escape. The gun is only a concern because it's convenient. When you're desperate, anything becomes convenient. The ocean becomes convenient. Get your brain fixed.
4. If you already tried to get your head right and it's not working, get to a state where Ketamine is legal and schedule an appointment at the clinic. It is life changing and worth every penny of the $2400 it costs.
5. See number one. Fucking do it!

You should listen to most others here in the thread and seek professional help. That being said, it’s not always an option for some. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it (especially at this time), but since you’re in the US and have an interest in seafaring work, have you considered joining the Navy?

The medical benefits alone can be worth it, but your want for work kinda sounds like you want purpose and it provides that for a lot of people. You’re below the maximum age and so long as you can pass the physical requirements for your age and a drug test, waivers exist for most other criteria. No experience required.

Service comes with its own stresses as does life at sea, military or not. Be wary. Probably best to just see a doctor if you can.

Talk to somebody about how you feel. A real person, not some randos on the internet. A person who is maybe qualified to give good advice. Sell the gun as well. The diversion with hard work at sea may sound like a solid plan right now. But it may not address the root causes for how you feel. And the feeling may not be improved while being tossed around by 100ft waves in the Indian Ocean or something in a year or two.

You'll need to take your basic seamanship training to work on a commercial vessel, that will be a good start

The start of a true boatist begins with a balanced number of tattoos. You need at least some chain and one of those big fishing hooks they drop to stop the ship to make fast turns during action events.

You'll need one with a heart that's broken with an arrow thru it.

Next you need Keratin and testosterone boosters. When you start on those you'll need to exercise a lot. Do pushups, arm wrestling and sparing. You'll need a sword or a really long knife.

Carry a patch to cover one eye. It works better if you don't have a leg. That way you can get a wood peg leg, which is very important.

Finally, go to Mexico and learn to roll your ars. This is what makes you a true pirate, which is your goal.

Depends whether you want to be part of a ships crew, or have an auxilliary role. The crewmen need to be certified, at minimum as an Ablebodied Seaman. However, there are plenty of ships that have additional personnel that technically aren't part of the crew;
My current career started on a survey ship, and all I had was skills with IT, linux, heavy machinery, and a an affinity for DIY stuff. The company paid for the training courses necessary for me to be on board, working a 5week rotation. The certs you need are usually BOSIET and HUET, depending on the type of ship. I just remembered that I need to renew mine.

So what you want to ask yourself is this: Are you after a maritime career, or just any job on a ship? The first one requires STCW certifications. The second one requires a lot less.

NB: Smaller boats, such as private fishing vessels with much smaller crews may not require the above. I am unsure how they operate in this regard - I know people who've joined fishing vessels with little to no prior boating experience.

As it's somewhat relevant, I'll lazypaste a comment I made a while back after someone asked how life on a ship is like:

While I'm not an AB myself, I've worked on ships alongside them, so I've gotten a lot of insight into how the crews work.

The short answer is that it depends on your role. Basically, there are usually three or four types of crew on any ship:

• Bridge
• Deck
• Engineering
• Anyone else (me), on more specialized ships.

Bridge:
Responsible for the navigation, safety, comms, scheduling, and all procedural tasks with running a ship. There are always someone on the bridge at all times, and this person is in charge of everything. The captain is of course the senior officer, but his responsibility and authority is delegated when he's off duty.

Deck:
It can be pretty chill, but there's still a fuckton of tasks to do. Painting, chipping rust, inspections, maintenance, helping out bridge/engineering if they need it. Most people on the bridge or in engineering have been Deck crew (AB - Able-bodied Seaman) at some point.
I've also seen deck crew being responsible for grilling on Saturdays.

Engineering:
Everything to do with the engine, and overall mechanical functionality of the ship.

I intentionally left out the galley staff, as this varies a lot between ships. When it's a big crew, like the ships I've been on, there's a dedicated galley staff. On smaller crews, it can be the ABs' job to serve up meals.

Source: Roughly 800 days logged offshore, spanning all continents except Antarctica and Oceania.

I need to get away from the gun in my safe calling me.

Running away only works for so long. As the great poet once said, wherever you go, there you are.

I would recommend professional help.

I don't know anything about boats, but have a suggestion you may find helpful for a while.

Do you have anyone close who would be willing to take your gun/s for awhile? Just someone who could hold onto them until you feel better about having possession of them again?

Shit, just go fishing. I knew multiple young guys who simply went to Alaska and asked around. You're going to be the greenhorn but if you want to work yourself to death it's a good path.

I learn fast and forget quick. Im super jelly of the retired at 35 thing. im unemployed at 53.

Not the best solution to your problem, first off.

Since you have funds, take some proper sailing lessons and find some boat delivery jobs. It will be funner, more like contract work (a few weeks at a time), challenging and you can learn to sail! Eventually, you can build skills that let you live the sea gypsy life, a mere dream for most.

My first roommate did this! There's labor unions you join and have to go through a lot of training. Then you get furloughed for like a year.

https://www.seafarers.org/

If it matters I live on south padre island but will relocate literally anywhere

If it helps I once worked 4 23 hour shifts in a row for dollar tree (inventory)