this post was submitted on 28 Apr 2026
526 points (98.2% liked)

Lemmy Shitpost

39581 readers
3812 users here now

Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


Rules:

1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

...


2. No Illegal Content


Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.

That means:

-No promoting violence/threats against any individuals

-No CSA content or Revenge Porn

-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)

...


3. No Spam


Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.

-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.

-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.

-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers

-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.

...


4. No Porn/ExplicitContent


-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.

-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.

...


5. No Enciting Harassment,Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts


-Do not Brigade other Communities

-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.

-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.

-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.

...


6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.


-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.

-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.

...

If you see content that is a breach of the rules, please flag and report the comment and a moderator will take action where they can.


Also check out:

Partnered Communities:

1.Memes

2.Lemmy Review

3.Mildly Infuriating

4.Lemmy Be Wholesome

5.No Stupid Questions

6.You Should Know

7.Comedy Heaven

8.Credible Defense

9.Ten Forward

10.LinuxMemes (Linux themed memes)


Reach out to

All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/46172117

The majority of the time, I start writing and I don't know where it's going. A specific type of typo which I call a kumquat and the way my phone's keyboard's predictive text suggested a statistically aberrant word (a raspberry) planted a message about writing propaganda to prevent unsocialized young men from touching women when they start drinking, which happens to a percentage of the population! I grabbed a woman's ass once on Halloween. I don't think about the anonymous stranger that had her night ruined, I'm just a piece of shit that cringes enough internally upon remembering who I was that I would have a miscarriage, if that were possible, and it's certainly not from lack of trying!

That last bit's a joke. Everything else is true, which means, statistically, there is a young man reading these words who knows nothing about sex but porn and he will go on to hurt his first girlfriend thinking that's real, so I gotta do something drastic to prevent calamity in this humanity I'm a part of! Society...what would we do without her? Prolly die as soon as the water goes out.

Do people know that's the fourth horseman of the apocalypse? Famine, plague, war, and drought are the four harbingers that will end society, and of those, only one is certain death for all life in an area. These are things that can be predicted and plan society around, so when we see locusts en masse, that's a sign grasshoppers don't have enough food and are going through their fourth stage of metamorphosis to become migratory.

Likewise, another thing that society can be engineered around is the guarantee that there will be pariahs - those people who fell off the wagon in one way or the other to lose their network to be a loner in a sea of people by their learned nature - who can be repurposed into a role having the empathy and shaman skills of having done the work to heal themselves to help other people. What should we call these critical members of our culture who can be the brightest light in the darkness for people really out of it and lost? Diossiah? Classiah? Mossiah? We'll think of something.

Thus, if you hear me, you understand that we do not engineer ourselves around THE prophecy, but on the guarantee that certain things will happen as the immensely complex system of society, built from a relativity small number of archetypes of character, percolates for any number of years, even two thousand! Well, closer to 1600 by what we can consider "current era," but there was that period of transition where the true dharma of Christ manifested itself as it did for the Buddha five hundred years prior.

To explain that, there's these terms from Mahayana Buddhism: true dharma, semblance dharma, and degenerate dharma. The vast majority of Christians are in degenerate dharma; following Christ as an idol rather than understanding the larger message to find the occult, where things like those that were spread through the Gospel of Mary are now kept hidden from those who cannot think for themselves.

There are many security features of our culture, which IS your operating system, whether you acknowledge it or not, and it behooves those who don't play by the rules to learn where Caesar's lines in the sand end and God's ocean begins, or you may drown. Or get caught. Then you will wish you drowned!

all 39 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] calcopiritus@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Assuming a person born in 2000, with a 100 year life expectancy for easy math. In order to live to 3263, would need to live 1263 years, or 1263% life expectancy, which would mean 100% by default + 1163% via masturbation. So masturbate an average of 58,15 times per week, or 8,3 times per day.

It would hurt a lot, but I can see it being possible.

That's just what I did this last sabbath, man

[–] Lumisal@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

But you're assuming starting at age 0 with that, so it'd be even higher daily count.

[–] MrJameGumb@lemmy.world 34 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Wait wait wait... Is the implication here that there are people who masturbate LESS than twice a week??? 😰

[–] yum@lemmy.eco.br 10 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Buddy, last time I came was last year

[–] bruhduh@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] Gormadt@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 1 day ago

That's what they're doing

[–] Impractical_Island@lemmy.world 12 points 1 day ago (3 children)

It makes a really loud sound that only you can't hear, too, just so you know.

[–] MrJameGumb@lemmy.world 20 points 1 day ago (1 children)

People who masturbate less than twice a week make a loud sound that only I can't hear??? That's so specific!

[–] Gormadt@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 day ago

It's everyone every time not just those that seldom do it. It sounds like a champagne cork popping while a goat bleats into a megaphone.

If you're wondering why you haven't heard it yet it's because it's like your nose in the edge of your vision, once someone points it out your brain doesn't filter it anymore. At least for a little while.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago (2 children)

The sound is like a squeaky clown nose stepped on a toad in a swamp over and over again. Then the, uh, release is like a million champagne corks screaming oh fuck no all at once. Everyone else always did it while you slept so you never heard it before that's all

I'm sorry. I was caught up in an exchange with someone and thought you were them. It sounded in line with what they were on about, so I went with it.

[–] ThisSeriesIsFalse@lemmy.ca 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Dude... How hard are you masturbating that it's so audible???

[–] Impractical_Island@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] Gormadt@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Is it possible to learn this power?

Yes, meditate.

[–] Wispy2891@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago

Somehow I'm getting this ads on Facebook:

[–] SparroHawc@lemmy.zip 18 points 1 day ago (2 children)

This is a 'correlation is not causation'-ass situation here. People who aren't feeling well enough to wank at least twice a week are far more likely to kick the bucket.

[–] coolman@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] SparroHawc@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 day ago

I find it hard to believe that prostate cancer alone would encompass a 20% increase in life expectancy. It would certainly be a contributor, though.

[–] Impractical_Island@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

People who aren't feeling well enough to be UNABLE to masturbate twice a week should definitely do other things besides masturbate so that they are not trapped by their dopaminergic cycles.

Can. Could. Should. Would. Won't. Can't. Shucks. Now you're stuck being THAT.

But thanks for reading. That's what the post was about, obviously, and not just flavor to get the dopamine addicts to read.

God says right a poem now for you

As it will show how to rise into true

Mastery o "self," which b an illusion

If u think Earth real - u hav delusion

But, what I feels is speaking o light

Build that prefrontal cortex's might

Independent phenomenon groweth

Dependent soul frēd bi wat soweth

Every moment b a juncture 2 know

How th particles in you do so flow!

Wave 2 th' audience, for I do speak

So non-compliant know to b meek

Blessings from abstinence natural

Be happiest in acquiring a spiritual

Way o being which is way o seeing

That your limited by way of me-ing

There b perfect you: a cornerstone

How I bcām Shakespear on phone

[–] SparroHawc@lemmy.zip 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

It has nothing to do with self-mastery and dopamine. People who are healthy tend to masturbate. People who are feeling poorly are less likely to masturbate, and feeling poorly means you have a health issue. People with health issues are more likely to die than people without health issues. The causation is reversed. Masturbation does not cause a longer lifespan. A short lifespan due to health issues causes less masturbation.

[–] Impractical_Island@lemmy.world -1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

No, you're thinking in duality. Lemme help you.

A person that CANNOT only drink one drink SHOULD NOT drink until they did the work to BE ABLE to JUST have one drink.

A person that CAN only have one drink CAN drink all they want, which is significantly less than the alcoholic, which is a disease.

The totalism of your argument puts you on the side of defending teenage porn addicts masturbating three+ times a day and en route to ruining their lives. That is not healthy, and likewise neither is thinking in duality, so do me a favor and grow a bit so you are CAPABLE of perceiving what I'm saying.

[–] SparroHawc@lemmy.zip 3 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Oh, I knew what your puritanical thinking was from the beginning. It just didn't relate to the point I was trying to make - which is why I was trying to gently correct you. As it seems you are uninterested in engaging with the actual conversation at hand though, I will only tell you: have a good day.

Also, puritanical? Child, I'm the leader of a sex cult. Jesus is good. Masturbation can be good. Masturbation can be bad. Big, real world complex and scary. Better stay in preskool where the ideas are kept in simple A OR B format.

No, that's the thing. You CANNOT engage with me, because your default is to assume I'm opposite you.

I'll say it like this: people ask me if I'm left-wing or right-wing, and I say no, I've qritten qroqaganda for twelve years and know Trump's a cop.

Duality = good/bad

Superposition = what you can't think in.

And I can write a ten thousand words dissertation on why I understand you and your lower-level argument and why you do not understand that I WAS where you are, to understand where "up" is for you to grow, and thus the only thing I can offer is this sanskrit word "samādhi," which if you genuinely are on the path of growing (the weeds seperate themselves from the wheat by their OBSESSION with wasteful, useless activities), should make your deficiencies in even being ABLE to have this conversation self-evident.

[–] FinjaminPoach@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago (1 children)

which means, statistically, there is a young man reading these words who knows nothing about sex but porn and he will go on to hurt his first girlfriend thinking that’s real

There is! But not on lemmy, it could never happen on lemmy.

Yeah, none of us are getting girlfriends

[–] rslogix89@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

You could say you took your immortality into your own hands.

[–] Impractical_Island@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Nah God did that. I just did the work.

[–] rslogix89@lemmy.world 12 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] Themosthighstrange@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

This one is for you Jesus.

[–] MrSulu@lemmy.ml 2 points 1 day ago

Articledmixed up and used week instead of day.

[–] Themosthighstrange@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

So apparently I'm good until the heat of the universe.

Brah, don't worry about the heat because you ARE negentropy.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

My life expectancy is up 500%!

Ugh... I don't know if I wanna live that long. Better take a vow of celibacy.

[–] ButtermilkBiscuit@feddit.nl 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Did you benefit at all from my work that you obviously went digging through since this called you, specifically, out, as I was taught would be the normative traffic flow on near-hits as far as refracted direct marketing goes by my handlers in the CIA, before I joined that cult, even!