Ask Lemmy

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Why was the sand wet?

The sea weed.

What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

There was an intentionally bad discovery channel commercial with some Mexicans dressed up as meteors entering earths atmosphere and burning up. Deadpan delivering "aaaahhhhh. The atmospheeeeere. Aaahhhhh"

That just pops into my head every so often. Me and my best friend thought it was hilarious back in the 90's. Cause it was.

https://youtu.be/ZNLNeHySon0?is=1WBjr4FVGFi4Kh4Z

How the turn tables.

-micheal scott

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

"But the water's clean".

Many years ago when a friend and I stopped at a rest stop and the sinks looked dirty. I said, "It's not very clean", they said that. Now for some reason it still pops into my head any time I wash my hands in a public restroom. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

There's a Winnie the Pooh episode where the characters are playing on Christopher Robin's train set and the episode turns into a parody of a stereotypical Western with a train robbery and a Western town with a saloon and jail and all that.

In one scene they're on the train and one character (I think Pooh, but it might be Piglet) appears out of nowhere. Another character questions his sudden, impossible appearance on a moving train in the middle of the desert and and Pooh/Piglet responds "it's a fantasy"

I don't know why that dumb joke stuck in my head, but sometimes when life gets to be too much I randomly think "it's a fantasy" and things don't really matter anymore or have to make sense.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst!

• Today we're gonna teach poodles how to fly.
• Nothing says I love you like the gift of a spatula.
• You found the marble in the oatmeal! You win a drink from the firehose!

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

Edit: I'm also fond of:

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

From the greatest sports parody movie ever made, BASEketball (1998):

Squeak: I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I'm outta here!

There was a terrible standup bit that I loved. I believe it was from An Evening at the Improv.

Guy is doing a bad private eye shtick: "Either this man was stabbed to death with a spoon, or his entire body is breaking out in little smiles."

I have searched online for the clip for literally over a decade, and I know this because I searched once a few years ago and found... myself asking the exact same question on a forum a decade earlier.

Anyone: "guess what"

Me: "chicken butt"

"It's like I tell my ex-wife. Honey...I never drive faster than I can see. And besides that, it's all in the reflexes."

A student turned in his test with a $100 stapled to it, with a note “$100 = 100 points = A.” He got the test back with $50 stapled to it and a note “$50 = 50 points = F”

"Round of applause for Sean Lock everyone, he had a great carreer with many years in the industry, but then he brought back the Nazis"

I always have one joke at the ready, it was a quip between party members in dragon age 2:

"An elf and a dwarf walk into a bar, the elf looks at the dwarf and says 'you're lucky you're so short, that hurt like hell!"

Spongebob: Patrick, your genius is showing!

Patrick: [Covers crotch] Huh, where?!

"FIRMLY GRASP IT!" Patrick stabs injured Squidward with jellyfish net handle

"East? I thought you said Weast" "That's west, Patrick"

Patrick scraping the floor with upside down broom Krusty Krab customer: "Did you just blow in from stupid town?"

(From Spongebob and scenes where characters just randomly explode)

Bojack Horseman explaining to Princess Caroline that he can express feelings cuts to Bojack putting his hand over a fire on the stove "Nothing on the outside, nothing on the inside"

"I always wanted a briefcase that attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright." - A "joke" from Mitch Hedberg.

When you're right, you're right, and when you're right.......you're right