Ask Lemmy

I don't know if it's a coincidence but when I met Finnish people, they always made comments about how you come across. One I remember is "you're not very likeable but at least you're not creepy". So.. Go to Finland?

You sure you're not neurodivergent? This is a very neurodivergent train of thought ngl.

I knew a guy who begged for honest feedback. Like kept complaining about how people would ghost him, and wasn't able to get a date or anything. So when he asked me directly, I pointed it all out.

And here's the thing: he didn't really do much after learning that. He didn't try to change anything for the better. He just took it in, got real defensive for a while then agreed and accepted that "this is who I am".

And maybe that's okay. But he seems dead set on attracting people who hate it.

Learning to read the room is a skill set.

Not sure if this applies to you but maybe you have heard a phrase about you that doesn't make sense fully. In my case, it was "you're intimidating" and that took me a long long time to understand because as a woman who has a lot of insecurities and can't physically fight this is absolutely ridiculous. Then one day I was watching some relationship guru video clip and the guy said "if you're told you're intimidating and can't make sense of it, it means you are hard to impress". That clicked. At least, within dating contexts. I don't know. I think most of the honest feedback I've gotten from potential dates, from boyfriends, from family members (though that required always a difficult argument beforehand and getting feedback was never the goal) and also from teachers who get fed up with your bullshit occasionally. It's never going to come to you from a comfortable source, but you shouldn't be asking your enemies either, because they'll lie too.

This is going to sound like a joke, but I try to be just cocky enough that people feel comfortable being perfectly honest with me. I used to be pretty agreeable, but people don't really want to correct their nice friends, even when they're wrong or acting uncouth, and I could tell that there were aspects of my behavior that might be off-putting but no one was telling me.

Now, threading that needle is a pretty advanced technique. It necessarily requires enough behavioral awareness to be confident enough that people correct you, but not so arrogant that they just write you off as an asshole.

But besides that, yeah it's a tricky situation. Ironically the same consideration that keeps people from criticizing you prevents you from improving. I think the real problem is that most people don't really actively change to improve themselves based on constructive criticism, so most people avoid rocking the boat with constructive criticism.

IMO ask people you know to tell you how you honestly come across. Yeah they like you and won't want to hurt you but as long as they aren't completely blowing smoke, you should get enough hint of anything glaring. The little things they sweep under the rug are probably nothing to really worry about.

This feels especially hard because, broadly speaking, those who will be overly nice will be the more 'normal' people, which is the more useful group to get reviews from because their reactions would be more representative of the broader public, but the ones more likely to be brutally honest are more likely to be unusual people, who are less representative of the people you are most likely to meet on a day to day basis, so the reviews are less likely to be useful. The specific cross-section of willing to be honest and capable of providing useful insight seems somewhat limited.

I feel you, perhaps check out the show "The Rehearsal" with Nathan Fielder which explores this a bit. And all his other shows while you're at it. There should be stuff like that IRL.

The fact that you care at all tells me that you’re probably a decent person. Narcissists and sociopaths generally don’t give a shit about the opinions of others.

This may be foolish advice (like telling someone with clinical depression to “just cheer up”) but try not to overthink it.

Public speaking and/or acting classes.

I've wanted this forever!! Especially when i was younger, but still somewhat to today. It would be so great if there was some way to get honest feedback from people about what they think of me. There have been lots of times in my life when my social life wasn't going as well as i would want, but how do you improve something when you don't know what needs improvement?

Like do i frequently have a bad smell? Am i too loud? Are my jokes landing poorly? It would be so great if i knew what people honestly thought of me!

This is actually a benefit of having a usable relationship with someone who doesn't like you but is otherwise reasonable, they are more likely to answer these questions accurately. Even people who are willing to answer are biased by their relationship to you and won't give you an outsider's perspective.

I suggest a tutor for giving presentations, public relations or something along those lines. They're used to giving gentle advice and want you to do better so you can refer more people to them.

have you thought about videotaping yourself then watching the video of you interacting with others?

gotta admit, I thought about it but I'm scared I will hate how I come across

There's a quote I like about how you can tell someone's your friend because they're willing to stab you in the front. Unlike, you know, the other way...

I'll have to see if I can find that quote-image I have and share it to !quotes@quokk.au, sometime. That's the only semi-active quotes community across the known Fediverse, and yet is still on life support of sorts. :S

It depends on what type of people you surround yourself with

I do it all the time, even calling out my female friends on bad behaviour which is a big nono in public settings (I'm a married man, I know, lol), but it requires a soft approach (a "compliment sandwich", for instance) or else everyone starts getting sensitive and feisty, and because of that many people would just rather stay quiet and avoid doing it. In my understanding that nobody wants to be a villain/annoying cunt, I try to tell those I care about so they don't ruin their lives unnecessarily, and I'm not scared of the confrontation that might result from it as I see it as part of the process.

Right now, you're coming across as a very reasonable guy with more than appropriate communication skills... If you're asking for yourself, it would be hard to determine if there's anything weird/off-putting about you just from this post, sadly. In my experience, some of my less savoury traits HAD been called out, numerous times, but without the right attitude, wording or in a setting that would make me dismiss it. It wasn't until later when these traits showed up in shocking, scary ways, that I started putting 2 and 2 together and looking back at what people had told me about myself. Maybe I'll start a call line or discord chat where we can all interact and call each other out when necessary, in brotherly love... sounds like a fun project. 😅