CurseAvoider

As expected, my nausea is back like I knew it would be. I think I'm anxious about getting better because I feel like-

1. what does cured even look like? A month without symptoms? 6? a year for a year? How do you determine when you're good?
2. I also feel like I wouldn't be given the time to assess this myself. I don't know if it's just my impression, but I get the impression that if I announced to my doctor, case worker etc that I felt better, they would drop me and put me back to work ASAP without leaving me time to process and decide when I'm ready.

Regardless I went to breathe some fresh air this morning and then my brother came to talk to me, and that was enough to send me instantly. It was manageable, but it's definitely back lol.

Considering the timing and what happened before I had this 'good' period I'm inclined to think SIBO. This is basically bacterial overgrowth in the gut which leads to disorder. It can lead to temporary lactose intolerance which happened to me twice (that was fun to find out while I was having constant nausea lol), and in some cases it can also get better for up to a week.

Welp, I'm getting tested for SIBO in october so there's not much to do for it but wait.

The second interesting thing is that talking to my brother, he talked about his panic attacks he had some 15 years ago and I realized a lot of his triggers are basically the same as mine - including the cold. Previously I was seeing a psychiatrist and her opinion was that my symptoms were too 'strong' so to speak to be psychosomatic. But I don't know, I also got the feeling this was all a bit out of her depth. Apparently there is some supportive evidence that pulmonary embolisms can be caused by stress and anxiety/panic, and I was pretty stressed out around the time I got my PE. But I've never had a panic attack and I don't plan on starting haha.

Keep in mind, every specialist I see thinks my illness is one from their specialty, and then it turns out it's not.

After spending the entire weekend dry heaving and being set off at the slightest stimulus, I started the week feeling like I haven't felt in over a year.

I'm now on day 4, starting since Monday, of feeling pretty good. Not completely fine, but better than I've been in, well, forever.

It's terrifying because I have no idea why that's happening. Nothing has changed but now my body decides that it's not as nauseous. Will this last? Won't it? I have no idea.

Part of it is fear of the unknown. After a year I got so used to having these symptoms that I forgot what it was like not to have them. It feels foreign.

Another part, and this is something I've shared with my doctor before, is that I would be pissed if I suddenly was cured and we never knew what happened. What would it mean for me? To spend an entire year -- more than a year actually -- disabled, unable to even leave the house or do chores, all medical exams coming back negative, only for it to go away for no reason? It doesn't feel fair. It would feel like I was cheated out of a year of my existence. I recently cancelled my gym membership. I told all my friends and family about the disability. I've had to reorganize my entire life over the past year.

Or is it the fear of being judged? The fear of people thinking that I wasn't really disabled, or that I was exaggerating, if I suddenly get better for no reason? That it wasn't "so" bad?

But it's day 4 of a good stretch that followed after a pretty bad stretch. I still take it easy but it doesn't take a degree to realize that I am currently feeling much better. It's weird, but I want the symptoms back. They feel like home.

You wouldn't normally think of it, but showers are quite demanding physically. I didn't think about this at all before I got sick, but I learned it very quickly. You do move a lot in all sorts of positions and scrub energetically even if you're standing still.

Tonight I threw up in the shower out of nowhere. Some people say TMI (not here thankfully lol) but it's just my reality.

Why did it happen? Beats me. Your guess is as good as mine. I know now not to take too long when showering otherwise my body starts telling me to hurry it up, but that time it just happened out of nowhere. Was it because I had an eventful week where I didn't pace myself, and my debt was catching up to me? Who knows! This thing doesn't come with a manual, even though some doctors seem to think so.

I used to brush my teeth + mouthwash + wash my hair + shower all at once (seriously brushing your teeth in the shower >>>>>), and now I have to think carefully about adding an extra chore at all. It's either I shower or I brush my teeth in one day, not both, even if I do them separately. I've also learned to not move around as fast, in the shower and in general. I walk slower, I scrub slower, basically I learn to take my time. It's a process.

Well, none of that prevented me from puking tonight but all things considered it has been a while since the last time so that must mean I manage pretty well the rest of the time. Now I'm pooped lol, I don't know if I'm the only one but damn throwing up is taxing.

With winter coming I think I might switch to taking baths. Might need to look the IP rating on my e-reader lol.

I was sent to see a third-party doctor for some certificate I needed (just got it). First time she met me. The thing with my symptoms is sometimes when im meeting new people they don't show during, but show up worse afterwards. She asked about history and my work capacity, she had a summary from my own doctor, and during the appointment she asks how I manage etc, and at one point says "but I mean you're young, this shouldn't happen, you have your whole life ahead of you, etc. etc."

I was like your job is to sign the document lol what do you care. But I answered politely obviously.

And let me tell you the answer. The answer is you just adapt and live day-by-day. My mind this morning was focused on getting through these appointments, not what I was going to do once I got home, not what I was going to make for dinner, or what I was going to do this weekend. It was solely focused on planning and managing the morning back-and-forth.

It's an insensitive question obviously because that's the only answer there is to give. It shouldn't happen, but it did. I'm too young to get this, but I did. We're looking for a cause, but we're not finding any. It's weird coming from a doctor of all people because they are aware there are no miracle cures. Like what do you want me to say lol, you're right I shouldn't get this thanks I'm cured?

I think she was trying to suss out if I was faking, but she made me the certificate in the end and I'm now comfortably back home resting.

I never thought about it because I don't travel a lot in the first place. But I realized, it's just not just about being able to park closer to the storefront or wherever, it's about being guaranteed a parking space so that you don't have to drive around town 5 times.

In my condition I can't drive for too long so I can't drive around to find the elusive parking spot close to my destination. It would give me more options basically.

This is an overlooked point of these parking spaces. Even I only realized they had this advantage to them earlier today lol.

I checked how to get one and they say it's for people who can't walk more than 200m. I checked on google and the storefront I sometimes walk to is over 300m away lol so that's a given. We'll see if the authorities will see it the same way, and I need to get my doctor on board too but that should be possible.

The card also gives parking privilege outside of parking spaces but it's very limited, so I'm not sure from the way it's worded when you could actually use that lol. But that could definitely be useful to me sometimes.

Other advantages of disabled parking are wider spots which allow caregivers to maneuver and ramps to deploy, preserving our very limited energy for the stuff that actually matters, and (tying in with what I said above) giving autonomy to disabled people.