Smorty

• i startd doin therapy ovr half yea ago
• first session therapist said "many peeps com here n jus wait til they get hrt"
• second session i said som vrri ew adult wrords: "i rlli hate how my legsies look, always wear long pants now"
• therapist lik "dun say such evil, selfdeprecatn adult wrords!"
• afterwards i used vrri vrri vrri soft language to describ my feelins (evn tho i usually alrdi do that a lot) like
  • "im nt quite sur bout gendr bt meh, is nt so importnt"
  • "i feels kindsa uncomfs bt is fine ~"
  • "theres nt mch holdin me alive rn besides mothr, frens n dum bs who-givs-a-smol-poop ai project. so im safe!"
    • apparntli she didn realize i was sain im ... lik - rlli sad.
• my other kinda-therapist told me thad she thinks that actual-therapist doesn seem to undrstnd me n wantd to call
  • she did! turns out, actual-therapist truly didn get any of thad. i was softenin things too mch 🛌 🍼 💖 :mamakisseslilone: :mamaputsliltobed:
• today is new therapy session since... over two months (evil holidays n othr stuff preventd stff)
  • after call, kinda-therapist told me thad actual-therapist believes increasin sessino frequence is gud idea to weekly...

so yea!

i feel i hav to rlli lik - put my feelins out somehow so im goin with a literature type, cuz i did slideshows too oftn alrdi (not with her, bt with other peeps)

imma call it

"die 'slideshows sind langweilig, deshalb mache ich seitensammlung' seitensammlung"

which translates to

"the 'slideshows r boring, thads why im mekin a page-collection' page-collection"

to... bring things across frfr dis time while:

• bein truthful
• not overexaggeratin bt also VRRI mch not underexaggeratin
• not bein self-deprecatin too mch
• not bein manipulative
• not bein too weird
• bein somewhat entertainin (so therapist enjoys time at least a lil bt..)

i tend to always undershare when it coms to bad or sad stuffs bout myself. bt dis time, NO! i hav written things down!!!! i cn jus hold myself to it like a script!

worst case, i realize im sugar-coatin again, n jus giv her the page collection <3

this way, i try n be easy to read n understand, while also not seemin genuinely insane (i hav a fear.. thad she thinks i genuinli need lik - mor in-depth kindsa therapy.... with lik ... feel-gud-drugs n stuff... i dun wan thad. thad feels lik cheatin, also i kno thad all my happiness is fake, so it becoms worthless)

maria@fedora:~$ ping smorty.dev
PING smorty.dev (79.241.82.75) 56(84) bytes of data.
64 bytes from www.smorty.dev (79.241.82.75): icmp_seq=1 ttl=63 time=8.35 ms
64 bytes from www.smorty.dev (79.241.82.75): icmp_seq=2 ttl=63 time=6.53 ms
64 bytes from www.smorty.dev (79.241.82.75): icmp_seq=3 ttl=63 time=5.94 ms
^C
***
smorty.dev ping statistics
***
3 packets transmitted, 3 received, 0% packet loss, time 2003ms
rtt min/avg/max/mdev = 5.937/6.937/8.345/1.024 ms

maria@fedora:~$ cat /etc/hosts
# Loopback entries; do not change.
# For historical reasons, localhost precedes localhost.localdomain:
127.0.0.1   localhost localhost.localdomain localhost4 localhost4.localdomain4
::1         localhost localhost.localdomain localhost6 localhost6.localdomain6
# See hosts(5) for proper format and other examples:
# 192.168.1.10 foo.example.org foo
# 192.168.1.13 bar.example.org bar
79.241.82.75 www.smorty.dev
127.0.0.1 www.smorty.dev