canadianchik

I know I keep posting over and over but I’m in so much pain and I have no one or nowhere to go to when I am sad. I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?” “Why am I so easy to be given up on?” “Was I even special to him?” … I cannot stop crying. I feel hopeless right now. When we stopped talking for a couple days and I reached out for closure, he said not speaking for those three days makes him realize he should’ve been more appreciative of me and how hard I tried and all those things. But if he was saying those things then why not turn it around? 😔I sound like a hopeless romantic but I can’t wrap my head around anything anymore… the closure somehow made it worse I guess. I told him I forgive him for anything he thinks he did wrong. He appreciated that. I miss him so much. I miss our memories, I miss his face. Something deep down inside of me feels like I’m going to see his face again but I know that’s false reality. We never even got to talk to each other about these things in person. I just want to cry in his arms.

so I decided to no longer speak to my ex because we were actually very close still even after breaking up but he was giving me less attention and wasn’t there anymore. Wouldn’t properly listen to me and stuff and it made me feel belittled. We stopped talking 5 days ago but it ended kind of petty way so I messaged him a long message yesterday being thankful and stating why and when I got hurt and that I am proud of him for other things. He did the same. He did mention that he’s more appreciative of me after not talking for a bit and he see’s how much I care and he’s embarrassed by the way he had acted and all of those things. He regrets not calling me his “girlfriend” and all of that. But now we are done since we haven’t texted since the closure. He knows how much I tried to make things work and he said he felt like an idiot for not seeing that blah blah.

I am getting over it but I think what hurts most about this closure is that he states all of these things but then again if he wanted to make things work or regrets anything in any way, why not try? Or try before? U know? He holds such a big amount on my heart and it breaks me so much to see all my effort gone to waste and someone never fighting for me. I just want someone to fight for me and want me regardless. If you want something, you do everything you can to take it. He just wasn’t emotionally mature and it sucks.

so if u guys see my previous posts, you would have a better understanding. Me and my ex broke up a month and a half ago and we’ve still been good friends and still had some sort of sexual relationship (we are 7 hours long distance). I was the one who carried so much hope and beat myself over it but I think I want to stop talking to him once and for all. I still love and care for him so much but I’ve fought and drained myself so hard the past two months my heart physically hurts. I know he see’s no hope in us and has said it himself which hurt me so much. And I always felt like there was hope so I would keep trying. But lately I’ve been feeling like his effort has diminished, which I get since we aren’t in a relationship like that anymore but even me being excited to tell him about my day and he’s just on his computer not replying or showing any emotions makes me feel belittled. I always listen to him. So this hurts the most. I’ve always felt shut out growing up so this triggers me so much. I told him about it last night and he said he’s knows he does it sometimes cuz he’s “working” but doesn’t know how to fix it. I simply said, it takes two minutes of your time to just listen. And if you can’t or you’re busy, say you will talk to me another time. Mine you, it’s 11pm and he was waiting for me to play a video game. He could’ve done it easily because if I had been ready 15-20 prior, he would’ve got off regardless. I know it sounds silly but honestly it’s the little things that get me, it’s the bare minimum.

I mentioned how the beginning he showed so much effort and more respect and stuff, and he agreed and said it’s because we don’t have much of a romantic relationship anymore. I love talking to him and care about him but I feel like this whole time has been ME beating MYSELF up over the whole situation physically, mentally, and emotionally and he’s been cruising along “healing himself” while talking to me so things will be easier. One day, hopefully, he will realize what he threw away and didn’t work for. How easily he gave up on me. Because it killed me but I know I need to keep moving.

I’m a very lonely person so this is very hard for me to do. I like having people around and not in a selfish way, I do care for people, but I don’t do good when I don’t have someone to lean on.

Hey guys…this is kind of a long story but I will try to break it down in a timeline basis

Me: 21F Him: 23M

November**** —> we started talking in November, everything was amazing, he is long distance (7hr drive) but initially he said we would be friends because he doesn’t have much to offer me (first week ish of talking). We met up, hung out multiple times and we clicked. We texted every night and all -> I told him about my past and I had many problems with my father so I sought comfort in men which I regret. I never felt wanted growing up so I made mistakes and would have sex with people with no emotional connection because it made me feel wanted in a way (I know it’s dumb but it’s rlly serious for me) -> he asked me my body count (which is like 19-21) idek it myself because it’s just traumatizing. I initially said 5 (we were on call) because I wanted to know his reaction and he was so upset and I felt bad so then I told him the actual number. We had only been talking for 3 weeks or whatever and I was just so scared of him leaving me over it. I know it’s high so before you guys judge me for this I am safe from stuff and I always got tested. When I told him, he was super super upset and was crying a bit about it and felt sick. I get it. He’s past this now tho. He said he felt saddened that I didn’t see my self worth. It’s whatever tho.

December-January-February —> we hung out more, had nights out and obviously did sexual stuff, etc, etc… did everything couples do but he never asked me to be his girl. At this point I’m super confused because I didn’t know what he wanted from me. My past consisted of me basically just being used for sexual stuff and no one could ever love me to be in a relationship. So I asked him “what do u want from me?” And he didn’t say date or anything. He said he doesn’t know how the future will look like because he doesn’t know where he will be for work. So I said okay. I was still confused. I didn’t know if he wants a relationship or what? I thought people usually ask others?

March-April -> during march, I did go through his following list (ik I’m crazy) but I had to. I noticed he follows this one Instagram kinda famous girl, super attractive and posts seducing photos. I definitely got sad from this and started comparing myself (my ex used to compare me with others girls towards the end of the relationship so it stemmed from that, and I know my ex is not this guy and I shouldn’t be worried but I definitely was upset). He did like plenty of her photos before we met which I don’t care about. She did post one seducing photo and he did like it in march. I did get super sad but I ended up confessing what I did. I did join her twitch and ask her and she said he used to message her and call her beautiful and whatever. It’s fine. It was before. But this did hurt. I know it’s just social media. Anyways, I’m only adding this information because it might formulate everything better together. He only messages her BEFORE he met me and she even said he stopped which I respected a lot. I told him about it, he felt horrible, removed and explained in the most beautiful and comforting way ever, we talked and communicated and everything was good and I felt good after. -> I do have TikTok and have had it for years, I would go live and yes some people would dm me and stuff but I never entertained them. I was at a low point financially so I asked my bf (didn’t know rlly if he was my bf but I assumed because we would send each other bf/gf memes) if he would be fine with me sending fake nudes to old men for money. He said yes. The first guy I sent fake nudes and he sent me a dick pic back and I told him that better not be how he’s paying me. I got mad. I might have fake flirted for money but he didn’t send and then we argued and I blocked him. I never sent any nudes of myself and I would never do that to my bf. Anyways, I didn’t tell my boyfriend he sent me any photos because I felt there wasn’t a point? I thought he would’ve kind of expected it as I’m sending fake nudes. But I didn’t expect it tbh, I was physically sick when I got them. Anyways, guy #2 actually sent me money and all I did was talk about our day, no photos, nothing, just one photo of me off of instagram to show I’m real and that’s it. My bf knew this, I even showed him a photo and offered him my passwords if he wanted to text them himself or see. I wasn’t hiding anything. After he sent money, my boyfriend let me know he wasn’t comfortable with it, I said ok. He told me unless they are donating through gofund me then it’s fine. So a week passes by, someone on TikTok says they can help me, I sent them the gofund me link and they asked for Instagram first and that they would send. So my idiot self gave them my Instagram handle and I immediately sent them the GFM link and they asked for photos. I said no, everything on my Instagram is there but I’m not sending you anything. And they sent a dick pic. I said we and blocked. I felt SO GUILTY for giving my Instagram to send GFM link so I immediately told my boyfriend. This is where things went downhill. He was super super upset. I then told him the first guy sent me a dick pic and that after the second guy, I did request some more money via banking which I regret. I guess in my head I was like “I’m not speaking to him so why not get some more out of it on email request” but it was dumb anyways. I regret I. He said he needed a break because he can’t trust me anymore. So the final trigger was giving my Instagram because a week before we had a chat about Instagram following. When I look back I cringe and feel silly because I know following doesn’t matter. He didn’t like that 700 guys follow me, I literally payed $5 for an app to remove them because I wanted him to feel better and happier so I did it. I don’t care for anyone but him. I have made those dumb mistakes for money because I’m struggling so hard. I never sent anything of myself but I feel horrible. He said he did get more upset of the fact they sent me a dick pic. He was saying something about “what if their d is better” or whatever and I told him to stop. It was traumatizing for me to see that shit so it made me so mad when he said this. I DONT CARE FOR ANY GUY. Then I hit a dark dark spot, I couldn’t stop crying and feeling guilty and he was also depressed. We both were so upset. I did something dumb and I decided to cut myself which I haven’t done in so long. I needed relief. I never hurt someone I love. Mind you, a week before I hurt him, I told him I love him, which I do. And I never felt that way about anyone since my ex. So I said it cuz I mean it. I don’t say those words to anyone. So I felt even more guilty. We met up after to talk about things (overnight) and when I arrived, I insisted we talk about things but he didn’t want to. We had sex. Next morning, shit happened and he said we should split. I did feel used. I felt like he just wanted final sex and then to end things. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like we could’ve worked things out. I genuinely care about him so much and even though we are long distance, FaceTiming, playing games together, hearing about his day, just makes me complete. Picking a day I will see his beautiful face and soul just gave me something to look forward to.

Present We are still close friends and talk like nothing much changed ish. We did go out last weekend and everything was normal. Obviously not dating but still doing what “couples” do. It does hurt tho. I want him to be mine and I want to be his.. I have brought it up to him so many times how I want it to work but he said there’s no hope. I brought it up again today. I just feel like I don’t have the closure or maybe I’m going through denial. It just hurts so fucking much. My chest physically hurts a lot. I saw him two days ago for a bit.. we had sex.. I wanted to say I love you so bad when I first hugged him but I couldn’t. I felt bad. I have so much love to give and I only want to give it to him. He accepted me for so many things I was ashamed of and made me feel happy. How bad did I fuck up. I want him back so bad but he said his friends knocked sense into him and also said sex during friendship isn’t healthy. And I felt a change in his energy last night after his talk lol. It hurt a lot. But I guess I deserve this pain because of the pain I inflicted on him.

Please give me real advice, no soft stuff, hit me with blunt truth.

Also when when we were talking about Instagram following it initially stamped because I was asking him if you were still following any girls hip previously done stuff with by the wayI am his first body, which is why he was more upset with my body count I’m assuming

I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.

Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same

We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.

I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.