canadianchik
But I hurt him from my actions. How can I get over that? The sound of him crying, the sound of him in pain will never leave my head. I feel horrible. I just want to make things right but I can’t. I feel like it’s all my fault because if I just hadn’t sent them my Instagram for money this wouldn’t have happened. Or told him the first guy or whatever send me stuff (which I obviously didn’t ask for) I was equally as fucked and grossed out, but I should’ve known what I was getting myself into I guess. But I think before, part of me felt like I cheated on him when I know I didn’t because I told him each time I was messaging one for money. I offered passwords, go on my phone, idc. I didn’t feel any way cuz I only ever did things for money. He was jealous I was giving them attention or receiving their attention.. I told him I don’t care for these people (as bad as it sounds)… I know taking money from people isn’t right but they said so I said why not.
I also fear in the future no one will want me because of my body count or that I’m going to feel as if I need to tell someone EVERYTHIG I’ve done because that’s how I felt after this incident. It felt like everything I have done in my past is illegal and I should be punished for it.
But I’m not a sex worker. Someone said I am before but I’m not. I’m not sending any nudes. Only once I sent FAKE from the internet. . I understand what ur saying. I don’t know how to go about this. Being friends with him is fine and feels good while I’m healing. I know I’ll heal, I healed from things 10x worse. But damn, it hurts so much. I want someone who communicates with me and stays during tough times, not leaves. I feel like my emotional intelligence greatly improved after this. I understand certain things better. When I was with my ex, after he fucked me over. He chased me irl in his car and was screaming out his car to me while I was riding my Bike. I was petrified and was crying the whole time running away. But now I get it. People who love go great measures to get u back. Thats how I feel now.
Why is everyone dismissing what I did and the money scheme with weird old men. I feel terrible. Why is everyone disregarding that information. I need to figure it out. I’m going crazy l
No he never hurt me. He doesn’t care about my body count he said he just finds it upset that I didn’t see myself worth more than what he see’s. I was the asshole for texting people for money. I never wanted to see their fucking dicks I just wanted money and I did stupid things for money. I don’t know how to win him back. I texted him more but he hasn’t responded yet. It’s honestly eating me up alive. I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that. I just wish I can rewind the clock. I have been open to him with everything, I just didn’t tell him about that one first guy sending me stuff because I didn’t think he would care or how he would feel as I only did it for money. I see everything clearly now and I don’t know what to do.