komorebi

I just need to vent a bit...

I've been on meds for ~ 1 year with mixed results. I've been trying to implement new habits and tools that help me cope with ADHD. There's been some improvement not as much as I'd hoped.

My relationship has taken severe damage from me having ADHD and the conflicts this has caused in my marriage. My partner would so much want (and need) a partner who is reliable and dependable and can take care of stuff on their own, and actually takes care of stuff. Meaning: When I say I'm gonna do something I'm gonna do it and do it right. And I'm gonna know what and when something needs to be done without my partner having to tell me first.

I feel like I'm trying to swim with a weight tied to my feet and it's so hard to stay afloat. Every day feels like a struggle where I'm paddling paddling paddling and once I stop I start forgetting stuff again and things get bad.

I also know that my partner would have wanted to have kids and for a while I was open to the idea but now, after realizing I have ADHD and how much of a struggle it is I feel like life is already hard, why would I add another factor to my life that makes everything even harder?

And then I often feel myself falling into a downward spiral. My partner should be with someone else... someone who is a "real adult", someone they can rely on, someone who gives them a feeling of security... Not someone where it feels like (their actual words) being with a teenager or having a child instead of a partner.

I'm in psychotherapy to help me get rid of this negativity but it's still so long till my next session and I just needed to vent a bit. For a while I thought I was making good progress but now I feel like nothing much has changed, not really.

I've been on slow-release methylphenidate for a while but I feel conflicted about whether or not it's right for me.

I was prescribed 1x10mg for a week and then my dose was increased to 1x20mg. After I noticed that I experience quite a drop in the afternoon, I was prescribed 2x20mg.

On the plus side:

• It's so much easier to get started with things and keep going
• Responsibilities feel less scary and doing chores or errands becomes almost an activity I enjoy

But then, there are also things that feel good but also weird me out a bit:

• In some aspects, I feel almost like a different person. For example, when I'm off my meds I don't really want to have children. I feel no desire to have any and because life already feels like a constant struggle with ADHD I feel that overall I'd rather not have kids. But when I'm on my meds, I suddenly feel like this super chill, "proper adult" who takes care of shit and almost craves responsibility and starts seeing the beautiful side of having kids.
• I feel "emotionally fearless", in that I find it a lot easier to face emotionally difficult things or conversations.

I kinda feel like the meds turn me into a better version of myself and it's kinda scary, because (a) I notice that I want to feel like this ALL THE TIME and start craving my meds beyond my daily dose. And (b) it makes me wonder who I really am? Am I really the person that I am on my meds but due to my ADHD brain I can't be that person without my meds? Or are the meds pushing me up on some artificial higher level that feels nice but isn't "real"?

And then, there are some negative effects:

• Sometimes, when I want to do or focus on a specific task and can't due it because something else came up, I become irritated because I WANT TO DO THAT TASK NOW.
• On some days the meds don't seem to work at all which causes me to feel irritated as well, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD and why aren't they working.

I've tried talking to my doc about this but he barely has any time, appointments are usually 10 mins and that's it. He's covered by insurance and so has a ton of patients. I've now scheduled an appointment with a private doctor. Much more expensive but I feel like I need someone who takes their time and really listens to what I'm experiencing.

And I just wanted to vent a bit about feeling confused. If anyone has any helpful input, I'd appreciate hearing it <3