this post was submitted on 20 May 2026
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ADHD

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Am I ever going to stop feeling like this? :( (leminal.space)
submitted 9 hours ago by komorebi@leminal.space to c/adhd@lemmy.world
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I just need to vent a bit...

I've been on meds for ~ 1 year with mixed results. I've been trying to implement new habits and tools that help me cope with ADHD. There's been some improvement not as much as I'd hoped.

My relationship has taken severe damage from me having ADHD and the conflicts this has caused in my marriage. My partner would so much want (and need) a partner who is reliable and dependable and can take care of stuff on their own, and actually takes care of stuff. Meaning: When I say I'm gonna do something I'm gonna do it and do it right. And I'm gonna know what and when something needs to be done without my partner having to tell me first.

I feel like I'm trying to swim with a weight tied to my feet and it's so hard to stay afloat. Every day feels like a struggle where I'm paddling paddling paddling and once I stop I start forgetting stuff again and things get bad.

I also know that my partner would have wanted to have kids and for a while I was open to the idea but now, after realizing I have ADHD and how much of a struggle it is I feel like life is already hard, why would I add another factor to my life that makes everything even harder?

And then I often feel myself falling into a downward spiral. My partner should be with someone else... someone who is a "real adult", someone they can rely on, someone who gives them a feeling of security... Not someone where it feels like (their actual words) being with a teenager or having a child instead of a partner.

I'm in psychotherapy to help me get rid of this negativity but it's still so long till my next session and I just needed to vent a bit. For a while I thought I was making good progress but now I feel like nothing much has changed, not really.

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[–] lwuy9v5@lemmy.world 16 points 8 hours ago

Remember that it is a disability. ADHD is disabling (at times) despite being a core part of people who have it.

You can't fault yourself for not being a better runner when your leg is broken, even if your partner so dearly wants someone to run with. You can try. You can train. You can get assistive devices. But it might still hurt some days. It may never be a thing you can do to someone elses standards.

Y'all should consider couples counseling. It's not a bad thing, or a defeat - but it sounds like theres a lot of pressure on you (which can be PLENTY counterproductive). Might be better to find ways to understand each other better and how to best support each other as partners.

HowToAdhd has a few videos about being in a relationship, too, that could be insightful for you or your partner. https://m.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD/

[–] _haha_oh_wow_@sh.itjust.works 7 points 8 hours ago

It can be a combination of finding the right medicine(s) and finding strategies and coping mechanism that work for you. Don't give up, seek help where you can find it, and try to be kind to yourself.

[–] kindnesskills@literature.cafe 5 points 8 hours ago

A setback doesn't negate the progress you've made. You have progressed and are progressing, but it goes up and down.

Right now you're down and it feels like you're back at square one, and nothing has changed and will never change. Those thoughts are incorrect, and I think a part of ADHDs lack-of-recall: Wherever you are right now feels permanent, like that's your whole past, present and future. Because when you're down you forget how it felt last week; where you were last month; how much progress you made when you were up.

You've accomplished a lot, even though you may not recall it. Your down is not permanent. You've taken steps forward, you can take them again.

It's okay to take breaks (or allow breaks to happen when they happen), rest for a moment, and then start making progress again. Rest is a human, and managing ADHD is a draining activity.

I think that trying to improve, learn new things and practice our skills, is the most meaningful human purpose. Opportunities for this we have in abundance with ADHD...

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

[–] AddLemmus@lemmy.ml 3 points 7 hours ago

A start is a start, and these can be the first steps into a better life.

That being said, you are not where you want to be yet, and you need to keep going in the right direction. Don't worry about how fast you do that, but keep going. Many people are disappointed at how little they can change within a month, but astonished how much they can do in a year when they stick to it. Would be too bad if you only ever experience the former.

What is missing? I can think of two things:

  1. More methods. What are you doing already? Do you have ideas how you could do a little more while the meds are peaking? E. g. set a 30 minute timer after taking them, then set another 20 minute timer during which you work on the thing that would improve your life, just as a random example. Or cut out a thing that holds you back, such as doomscrolling during peak, or other vices.
  2. Change in treatment or additional diagnostic. Different meds working better, therapist, exercise and diet? Additional co-morbidity, such as depression or a physical condition making you tired?

And definitely no baby now. Nope, nope, nope. Recipe for disaster.

1.5 years into treatment, I am both astonished at how much I improved as well as how much there still is to do.

[–] cactus_head@programming.dev 5 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

I feel you. I keep discovering (or rather admitting) that I have issue, not just ADHD, and it feels failure on my part that I didn't treat those before entering adulthood.

I have also started meds for three weeks now but other than hunger, haven't seen much difference.

[–] etherphon@piefed.world 5 points 9 hours ago

I know it's rough but don't get too down on yourself, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure and expectations on yourself to perform as a perfect husband and no one is that. There is a pervasive sense in the world that people know what they are doing but the fact is no one knows what they are doing when it comes down to it, maybe professionally they are proficient but people, essentially, are just all wandering around. So don't put too much pressure on yourself to do everything you see other people doing because you can't do all of it. You shouldn't feel like a child because there's certain things you can't do or think you can't do, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, I'm sure you have plenty of strengths but sometimes they are not so obvious and there is a lot to work through to get to a place where you can use them. I wish you all the best and I hope my ramble helped a little at least.